Here and Now

This was a picture challenge over at Legacy Writers Of Harmony Pub http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=247157063 Tears for Joy in the Garden of Giants by Michaël Zancan @ Deviant Art Natures Hope Sun rays glint rain drips from her golden gates The moss that flows from your upturned palms pulsing with life Dreaming of morning glories entwined in your hair Breath and a smile Awaken and feel warmth and serenity A peaceful hope Angela Minard 2008

I'm up early and the house is quiet, so quiet it hums. I'm looking forward to today. I have some good, productive energy going on! I plan on tossing toys in the trash. My boys have grown up, so now our basement needs to do the same. Dave and I are getting together with our best friends, Angie and Ben later tonight for a barbeque at their house. It has been awhile since we've hung out, so I'm excited about seeing them and having some laughs. My youngest son, Roman went to The Lake Of The Ozarks with a friend, and won't return until Monday. I really feel his absence and miss his company very much. I know he is having an absolute blast though. He will be boating, tubing, fishing, making smore's... I can't wait to hear all about it! I just feel so good right now, and I want to hang on to it because I haven't felt like this in so long. I feel like laughing and crying at the same time, and more alive than ever. I think it is called feeling. Imagine that! It ma...

Sometimes all it takes is new eyes or just to take a moment to close your own eyes to see... I had a breakthrough emergency therapy session yesterday! Without going into details, my therapist led me through a visualization exercise, and it was an amazing journey for me. I have felt such a sense of peace ever since, and just typing this brings tears to my eyes. There really is nothing else to say. I just wanted to share the moment!

Morning Birds Morning birds tell their secrets to the sleepy houses one by one a light flickers on for coffee making groggy eyes scooping the bitter grounds pouring the water with an unsteady hand Percolating in rythym to the Robin's and Finches chirping and chattering The rest is just silence barely breathing to go through the motions of another day listening to the soft feathers that float from your mouth The light and airy lies you tell so well But this time no other day will pass You will go away Only the secret morning birds will stay Angela Minard 2008

I wrote this e-mail to my therapist a few days ago, as I'm really struggling with food and feeling hunger. It has been so long since I actually have felt the physical sensations of being hungry, and now that I'm once again feeling them, it is quite terrifying. "I want to get as far away from myself as possible. All of this eating and trying is like a bad joke. Each day that passes leaves me in more of a mess. I can't stand myself! *Claudia needs me to go too. I'm so tired of feeling like this. These feelings of hate and rage, no one else to stand up and take the pain. Always me. Eating makes the pain so unbearable...the rage and disgust that I feel knows no bounds. Only emptiness." *Claudia is my eating disorder I'm so afraid of the hunger that my first reaction is to try ignoring it and restricting my food, but eventually I give in and feel like a failure. It is a vicious cycle. I talked with my nutritionist, and she said to think of food and nutrition a...

The dog decided to go and sniff the cage of the rat. The rat decided to bite the nose of the dog. The dog is now afraid of the rat! Sleeping Dog(Phoebe) Sleeping Rat(Emery) Cute Dog(Phoebe) Cute Rat(Emery)

A friend of mine that I was in treatment with at Renfrew wrote this poem Affirmations Measuring self-esteem Is never done accurately on a scale Of pounds and ounces Kilograms and grams Nor calories and miles So lose your tape measure And stop checking your bones Let go of the sick jeans And photographs embracing emaciation Say goodbye to that porcelain god Withholding regurgitated meals Vomitron and Starvathons are over Mirrors are not meant to answer questions like Who's the fairest of them all It's okay to be healthy It is not my duty to be ill I deserve happiness Life And recovery And that is exactly what I'm pursuing Fully aware that there will be slips Bad days And triggers in seemingly innocent affairs But I am more than willing to take the risk To let go of this disease Because I would rather have the chance to be happy Than live one more day in sharing my life with my eating disorder I have nothing to lose