Here and Now

I refuse to even say the word depressed to myself. I just have the blahs right now. I know why, and I know too, that they will leave if I can only give myself permission to have the feelings instead of trying to talk myself out of them. I had a severe panic attack over the weekend that left me feeling out of control, and I wish that I could have handled things more on my own, without having to need so much help to find my way back. I hate that so often, my automatic reaction to fear is to dissociate. It is frustrating, and I know that I'm being too hard on myself. I just wanted to be able to handle everything while Dave was out of town, and I wasn't quite able to, but it is okay. I'm still doing better, and I hadn't had a dissociative episode in quite awhile. I'm very lucky that I have a great therapist, and wonderful friends to help me, and they were able to pull me out of the darkness. What I hate more than anything is the loss of time and memories. I remember go...

Daddy's Not Here Last night I couldn't help you with your math Tell your teacher you don't understand, I explain. So stupid She will think I'm stupid. No. I'm the one. She will only know that I am stupid. Daddy's not here.

I'm feeling a bit lost with my husband out of town on a golf trip with his college buddies. He left yesterday, and last night I felt so lonely without him in the bed sleeping next to me. Usually he is still sleeping when I'm getting ready for work in the morning, so I try to be quiet, but this morning I could be as loud as I wanted, so I turned up my music, and even sang along, so that was kind of nice. I'm trying to find the bright side of his absence. What else...Let's see...I didn't cook last night. We just ordered pizza, and I let the boys hook up their video games to Dave's big screen T.V., which he never lets them do. Boy, will he be mad when he reads this! Oh well :-D Justice has a football game on Saturday, and Roman plays on Sunday, so that will keep me somewhat busy. I'm going to go to the craft store, and buy some yarn for knitting. I think that I will try to learn how to knit hats, which I haven't tried yet. It would be nice to give scarf and...

Your Issue Profile: 80% Obama, 20% McCain When it comes to the issues, you agree with Obama on almost everything. Surprised? Probably not. You've had your eye on Obama for a while. In fact, you're likely already a strong Obama supporter. You know where your vote is going this November. Should You Vote for Obama or McCain?

A Closer Look Dandelions are the prettiest when you don't look too close, when the wind doesn't gust. Blown to bits from her hollow stem A childs bouquet offered with tears Eye to eye, a pin cushioned head. She's nothing but a whirly gig. Angela Minard 2008©

You Never Know The tearing, burning, stinging pain of salty semen on an opened wound that will never heal with a gentle voice meant to soothe but can never know why tears are cried in the bathtub until the water drowns out the sounds of your own screaming sinking deeper, deeper, deeper but can never know why your lungs are slowly closing fighting each breath and waiting and waiting for it all to be over. Angela Minard©2008

This weekend I did absolutely nothing. What a slug! I woke up Saturday morning with a sore throat, and my allergies are crazy right now. I feel like all I do is whine about how rotten I feel. Sorry about that! I promise that soon I will be so damn healthy. I can't wait! Tomorrow is the dreaded colonoscopy. I hate to say this, but the best thing about it is that I get to fast for 24 hrs. A whole day where I don't have to worry about food, or taking medicine before I eat, or how horrible I'm going to feel after I eat. I'm looking forward to getting through this procedure so that I can be done worrying about it. No matter how much everyone tells me that it is no big deal, it is still causing me quite a bit of stress and anxiety. It is strange, but now that I'm doing everything that I can to treat my body right, it decides to crap out on me. I really didn't realize the damage that I was doing to myself. Now I'm more determined than ever to gain back my health, e...