Here and Now

Justice Roman

I am home from one of the craziest work weeks that I have had in a long time, and the minute that I walked into the door at home, I started cleaning and doing laundry, even though I'm really exhausted. I'm beginning to realize that when everything else in my life is feeling out of control, I need my surroundings to feel neat and orderly. At least today I didn't yell at my family about it. I just did what I needed to do to feel better. I didn't turn into a wicked old witch like I did the other day! The rest of the weekend, I'm going to try to relax and just enjoy my family. Today is my son Justice's thirteenth birthday, so now I officially have three teenagers in the house. I can't believe it. I only have one son who is going trick-or-treating this year. This is so trite, but they really do grow up so fast! I'm looking forward to seeing all of the little kids that come to the door in their costumes tonight. It is getting late, so I'd better get ready...

I'm still very near tears after a horrible time spent in my closet this morning. None of my pants fit, and I know that it is ridiculous to be this upset over it, and yet I feel just sick and disgusted with myself over it. No, it doesn't matter what size I am, and I know that it has nothing to do with who I am as a person, so why can't I get past this?

"Healing Energy" Art work by Rita Loyd at NurturingArt I think that one of the hardest aspects of recovering from an eating disorder for me is leaving the guilt surrounding food behind. I'm still working on reminding myself that I need to eat to fuel my body and mind. Every meal that I eat or don't eat is a struggle, and restricting what I eat continues to be a problem for me. I try to eat dinner with my family, but other than that, it really is hit or miss. I know that part of the problem is that I somehow feel better about myself when I can control the amount of food that I eat. The less I consume, the more I feel that I have accomplished something. It is a way of thinking that I'm working on changing. It is definitely a challenge though! On the positive side, my mood has been much more stable in the past week. I only wish that my job was feeling stable. In the mornings, I'm still working in the high school, but in the afternoons, they have me running in all...

It has felt like a very long week, and I feel grateful and relieved that I have persevered, and made it through. Hallelujah, Saturday! I started out the week in a serious funk, but with each day that has passed, my mood and outlook on life has been improving, and at the moment, I feel really good. Mostly, it is only because I made it through, but hey...I'll take it! I have no real plans for this weekend besides errands and chores around the house, but the sun is shining after a cold and rainy week here, I have energy to spare, and smiling seems like such a simple thing. It has been only a few days since I thought that I had forgotten how, so I'm not going to take it for granted.

I thought that I would be so much farther by now than where I am today. I have so much ahead of me, and every reason to anticipate the joy that lies in wait, but I feel nothing but empty. Is this just depression, or defeat. I don't even know anymore. I feel as if I'm not much further along in my eating disorder than I was last year. The only difference is that I weigh more. The thoughts still consume me just as much, if not more than ever. All I think about is what I will or won't eat, and how I need to lose the weight that I have gained. I hate even going out of the house everyday, and if didn't have a job to go to, I don't know how often I would step outside of my door. Maybe it just takes more time than I'm giving it... I wrote those words on Monday, but decided against posting because I know that reading this will worry the people that care about me, and that is the last thing that I want to do. Yesterday was also a really rough day and I had so many negativ...

Losing time, and blindly fishing around inside of a vacant mind, is what I have been trying to do. I have given up on recovering time that really doesn't matter anyway. It is hard not to feel hopeless though...as if I will forever be losing my way. The other night when I dissociated, I did happen to find a small journal that I always keep in my purse to write in, and here are some scribblings from that evening. bombarded~ with memories filled with pain that feels like a dream, but the tears that threaten and come to the surface with no warning, tell me that it is real. My anger is so close that I can reach out and almost touch it. I hate-so much. What if there is no tomorrow and the words I've said are lost...everything echoed...all of your sorrow wrapped inside the voices you hear.