Here and Now

I've had all of my therapy sessions, and I'm mentally exhausted. I woke up early this morning and went for an hour long walk, and the whole time, my mind was just spinning. I came home and slept for five hours! I feel so lost, but everyone keeps reassuring me that I don't have to have it all figured out. That is good to know, because I definitely don't have anything even close to figured out. I feel like no one understands, and that is so frustrating. No one seems to get that I can't eat because I'm not happy with my weight. It always has to be something deeper than that, and that I'm using the obsession with weight to avoid feeling. I do honestly believe that I will feel happier when I'm thinner. My therapist wants to know what evidence I have of that, and I don't have a shred of evidence to back up that theory, I just KNOW. Is everyone who goes on a diet simply trying to avoid their feelings? I don't think so..., but maybe I'm just being st...

I have therapy in an hour, and I really don't want to go. I also have a couples session tomorrow with my husband, and I'm definitely not up for that. I feel like I don't have anything to say anymore. I know what I should be doing, and I'm not doing it right now. I know that I need help, but I'm not necessarily wanting it. I'm determined to lose this weight, and if I have to be unhealthy to do it, than so be it. I'm frustrated with following my meal plan and doing all of the right things, because all that is doing is maintaining the weight I'm at right now, and that is not a weight that I can happily live with. I know that this focus and obsession with my weight is wrong, but I'm giving up. When I eat healthy, I still obsess over it, so what is the difference? I'm in a hopeless place right now, and I'm also in a place where I don't believe in recovery. I may be weight restored, but my mind is still not in a healthy place. I guess that is w...

"Doubt is a pain too lonely to know that faith is his twin brother." ~Kahlil Gibran~ How many blog posts have I started with these two words...I'm struggling. I have now spent over a full week purging food, avoiding food, and most of all using these behaviors to avoid my feelings, whatever those may be. You see, I have no idea what feelings I'm trying to avoid. For whatever reason, I'm afraid to get too close to those feelings, and the eating disorder is my old stand by. I'm afraid that I'm always going to live this way, but I'm even more afraid to live without it, and so I keep on returning. I tell myself that it is about my weight and how unhappy I am with the numbers on the scale, and I believe this is true. I can't seem to grasp the whole idea that my weight does not make up my worth. I don't at all think this about other people. It only pertains to who I think I am, and I know that doesn't make any sense. Nothing about how I think make...

Going Under~ Evanescence Now I will tell you what I've done for you 50 thousand tears I've cried Screaming, deceiving, and bleeding for you And you still won't hear me Don't want your hand this time, I'll save myself Maybe I'll wake up for once Not tormented...Daily defeated by you Just when I thought I'd reached the bottom I'm dying again... (Chorus) I'm going under Drowning in you I'm falling forever I've got to break through I'm going under Blurring and stirring the truth and the lies So I don't know what's real and what's not Always confusing the thoughts in my head So I can't trust myself anymore I'm dying again (Chorus) So go on and scream Scream at me I'm so far away I won't be broken again I've got to breathe I can't keep going under (Chorus)

I'm tired of the tug and pull. The not so subtle lure of the eating disorder. It's like walking a tightrope, and I feel as if I'm about to fall off. The tricks my mind plays on me are wearing me out, and sometimes all that I want is out. I don't mean that in a suicidal way. I already tried that, and all that it brought was more pain. I don't want to be here in this mental state of ambivalence towards being healthy. Why on earth would I want to be sick? Eating disorders are classified as a mental illness, and I can see why. My mind is not working in a rational way, and I'm way off base in my thinking, and intellectually, I know this, but I have this obsessive compulsion to focus on my weight and appearance. I feel like such a selfish and narcissistic person, and my self loathing is at an all time high. I cannot for the life of me figure out why I'm slipping, and it is so frustrating. I have moments of peace and happiness, but can't figure out how to hang ...

I'm struggling with what to write here, but if I could sum it up into three words, it would be: Secrets, Guilt, and Shame. Eating Disorders are all about secrets, shame, and feeling guilty. Guilt for taking care of my body, when deep down, I don't feel that I deserve it. I'm ashamed of the secrets that I still keep to hold on to this eating disorder. There are behaviors that I know I need to completely cease if I am to truly recover. Mainly those are the alcohol, and the purging. The alcohol is not something that I use on a daily basis, but when I do use it, it is usually for the wrong reasons, and it also triggers me to dissociate , which is never a good thing. The purging has become a replacement for the restricting, and I'm headed nowhere good with that, and it too, is very shameful and humiliating to admit. I had a session with my nutritionist yesterday, and we talked about the purging because I have had a particularly hard time with it this week. I keep telling her...

Certain The moon follows you at night when you are a child Oh yes, it does of that I'm certain And the stuffed animals with their neon colored synthetic fur they talk to each other when you close the bedroom door Oh yes, they do of that I'm certain And you can hear the angels whisper and the jingle of sleigh bells on Christmas Eve And dandelion seeds are tiny ballet dancers twirling in the wind The fairies hide beneath the willows And if you lie in confession with your fingers crossed you won't go to hell And with the moon behind you are always safe when you are a child Oh yes, you are of that I'm certain Angela Minard2009©