Here and Now

The voices shout their bad advice, and I'm finding it hard not to listen. A wise friend said, "You are only going to relapse if you allow yourself to relapse." I'm in charge. I have choices. I tend to forget that, and the eating disorder is all too happy to take over, stealing my life. Restricting what I eat gives me the comforting illusion of safety. I can't control the brain tumor that is growing inside of my husband, but I can control my own body. The eating disorder numbs all of those scary feelings, and I'm afraid to let it go. I know what I need to do. If I can reach out, letting go of the silence, I can find my voice again. The Journey One day you finally knew what you had to do, and began, though the voices around you kept shouting their bad advice-- though the whole house began to tremble and you felt the old tug at your ankles. "Mend my life!"each voice cried. But you didn't stop. You knew what you had to do, though the wind pried with ...

I had my therapy and nutritionist appointments last night, and even though I thought I would be wasting everyone's time, I'm glad that I went. I'm not sure that I processed everything that was said, but it made me feel less alone. I have this new rule in my head that I can only eat one thing everyday. I'm not sure where it came from, but the anxiety over food and eating is really out of control right now. I agonize over that one food item. Right now I have zero appetite, and nothing even sounds appealing. My therapist asked me if I could give a reason why it is so important for me to be thin, and what does thin even mean? All that I could think of was that it means I'm good enough. For what...I don't know. It has everything to do with my self worth, but then again, when I am very thin, I still don't feel like I'm good enough. This is so crazy, and I know it. I don't know how to turn this around when I feel like I'm going to have a panic attack ov...

I'm disconnected, and not thinking clearly, from lack of food most likely. My head aches, and I'm so very tired. Forgive me if this post goes nowhere, and is all over the place. These are the thoughts in my head~ I'm a failure. All that I do is take up space in this world. I'm selfish. I'm shallow ...On and on it goes, until I'm dizzy with self hatred. Will it matter if I can fit into all of the unworn jeans hanging in my closet when I am dead from this disease? I'm losing weight, but it's not enough. Never enough. At the same time, I'm too much and never enough. Nothing makes sense anymore. I feel so lonely, and yet I want everyone to leave me alone. I want someone to rescue me, and yet I realize that I can only save myself. I feel too tired to save myself. How can I save someone that I can barely stand? All questions and no answers. I never seem to have the answers, and in the end, this is all that I deserve. I have therapy tomorrow, and right now...

January I'm not sure what made me do it Finally After years of morbid daydreaming Never really contemplating the finality Only the illusion that I would be free Angela Minard 2009©

The Sound Of Your Voice so shrill Never a whisper, no, you always yell How much you hate the reflection of me Making sure that I hear every word you say I've memorized each ugly phrase carved deep into my skin while you hold the knife so lovingly You're not a lover You're not my friend Yet over and over I come back again Losing myself Believing your lies Hands held over my mouth screaming inside I remain nothing but mute Angela Minard 2009©

Nothing But Time Life goes on with nothing new until you say "It's been a dizzy day, I just need to be still." In my dreams I still can hear you screaming in pain and I wonder if the time is now. Now, when this world as I know it, ends. We wait for October and second opinions. Finding comfort in the time we have for doing nothing. Holding the unknown in our idle hands. Angela Minard 2009©

I have been thinking a lot about recovery, what it means to me, and why I'm so resistant to it. Recovery, and eating a normal amount of food each day means that I stabalize at a weight in which I'm not happy being. How do I learn to be okay with that? For most of my life, I have starved myself. I feel a tremendous amount of guilt and anxiety when I eat. Right now, with this relapse, I don't have that, and it feels good. I feel like I have some power and control. Is it a false sense of power and control? Yes, I realize that it probably is, but it is hard to want to let go of those feelings, because they are so real to me. I'm still trying to eat dinner with the family. I know how important that is, and it is a way to stay connected when I tend to push everyone away. I want to WANT recovery, but I'm not sure how to do that.