Here and Now

A Safe Place The jangle of the phone rattles my nerves startling me out from under the weight of memories and I breathe in and sigh leaving the ring unanswered Lost and lonely today I wander through rooms searching for the peace and comfort of home but you are not here and I sink into a silent panic afraid that you will never again walk through the door Irrational fear settles into the racing of my heart as I nervously fold the laundry with trembling hands Mistakenly, I think that I've heard the garage door open my throat constricting with relief until I realize it is only my imagination and the tears prick my eyes for a moment before I shake my head Sitting on the edge of our bed I draw my knees to my chest cradling myself until I hear your footsteps on the stairs your voice breaking the stillness of dread and I'm wrapped in the safety of your arms once again Angela Minard 2010©

Morning Comes Sitting in the sun where the dark shadows are done the night feels far away there is now no need to run Waking dreams disappear with the light The streaming brightness hides the fear Coffee brewing Children chatter Newspaper rustling as you work your puzzle The sounds of morning fill my ears I wait for you to come and sit by my side your breath warm on my cheek the gentle safety of your arms that rest against my shoulders Sinking into you Holding on tight to the day Angela Minard 2010©

I'm barely eating. Even dinner has gone by the wayside, and although I'm so tired of being like this, there is the nagging voice in my head that tells me that I must not eat. I refused to be weighed by my nutritionist last week, and not because I'm afraid that the scale will tell me that I'm losing, but because I'm afraid that it will tell me that I'm not. I'm too exhausted to even get on the treadmill, and that makes me feel guilty. I'm worried about work, and my sleep is fitful at best. I'm being moved to yet another school on Monday. At least it is in a Jr. High, which I prefer to the younger kids, but it is starting over somewhere new, which causes me a great amount of anxiety. I'm still with the kindergartner's in the afternoons, and I'm not really loving that. All it is is potty training and chasing kids around for the most part, and not the best use of my skills as far as I'm concerned. I'm sorry that all that I do is compl...

My head is reeling from a day of autism, tantrums, and chaos, but I can't seem to shut my mind down and sleep, which is frustrating, because I'm so tired. Today I carried a boy kicking and screaming from the playground, got smacked in the face, and slipped in a puddle of pee. Those tidbits are only the highlights:) I wonder some days if I make a difference, or I'm just a glorified babysitter, and really, I'm not that glorified! Oh well...it's a job, and for that I'm grateful. Without it, I wouldn't have medical insurance to pay for all of these drugs and doctors to keep me sane. Speaking of doctors, I saw my trauma therapist this evening. I know this may sound strange, but we talked about my fear of answering the door when someone rings the bell, and of my fear of strangers in general. I will literally hide when someone rings my door bell, and I won't even answer it if it is a stranger. I also try not to make eye contact with people when I'm out in ...

I made it through this first week of school, and I do have to say that it wasn't all that bad. On Thursday I was moved back into the Jr. High temporarily in the mornings until I can train someone new to take my place, so it was good to be back in my old classroom where I feel at home. I'm still with the little people in the afternoons. I've been exhausted when I come home from work. I get my toes stepped on a lot, and I've been working with a biter, which isn't all that much fun, but I've managed to keep the teeth away from making contact so far! It is such a busy and chaotic environment, but I'm sure that I will adjust to it. I do like the staff, and they have all been welcoming. I have to be prepared for moving again though, and I don't do well with change. It is definitely a part of the job that I don't like. The kids make it worth it, and I feel like I've at least accomplished something at the end of the week. Lunch between schools has been o...

I entertain the idea of climbing into bed, climbing away from everyone and everything, and burying myself under heavy blankets. I'm so cold. I don't really want to go away though. I want to stay, only I want to be different...a different me somehow. I'm not making sense. I'm so tired. Today was fine. I woke up and went to work, but I feel detached and foggy. I came home, and I wanted to try to eat, but I just couldn't make myself. I sat on the couch with Dave, and his concern made me cry. The fact that I'm struggling so much made me cry. He wanted to cheer me up, so he went and bought me a new phone for my birthday. My other phone was prehistoric:) Afterwards, I went to the grocery store. I bought protein bars, greek yogurt, and cereal. All things that I think I would like to eat. I thought I could eat the protein bars while I was driving between schools at lunch time. There is no way that I will be able to eat at work in front of strangers. Everything seems so ...

As the weekend draws to a close, I find my anxiety level steadily mounting. I'm worried about my new job assignments. I know that I overthink everything, but I'm not sure how to stop my mind from working in high gear. The "what if's" get in my way. What if I don't do a good job working with the little people? What if no one likes me? Doesn't that sound so juvenile? I care too much about what other people think of me. This weekend has been hit or miss when it comes to food. Friday was definitely a miss. I was super stressed when I got home from work, so I went out and bought a bottle of wine. I made some pasta for dinner, and Dave and I enjoyed the wine while we ate, but then after we ate, I went upstairs and purged everything. I haven't done that in quite awhile, and when it does happen, it is like I'm on auto pilot. It doesn't even feel like I'm consciously thinking about purging. All I know is that I need to be empty, and it is such a rel...