Here and Now

"Deep into the darkness peering, long I stood there, wondering, fearing, doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before." ~Edgar Allan Poe, The Raven I'm feeling lonely and a bit sad, although I'm not sure where this is coming from. I think a certain amount of it is my own detachment when life gets difficult. I guess I'm not that great at handling stress or something. Money is beyond tight, Justice's 15th birthday is today, we can't afford a gift for him, and my job is causing me anxiety. My husband told me not to talk about my job here in case the people that I work with read it. I suppose he is right, but his comment still bothered me. He worries that I divulge too much of myself here, and the criticism hurts me. It is another thing that I'm not so great at..taking criticism. My inner voice isn't being so kind at the moment. I think of all of the things that I should be feeling grateful for, and instead all I'm doing is feelin...

Your Eyes Sometimes I see your eyes Gold and green a flash in my mind that sets off a chain reaction of feelings Daydreams and longing that have to be pushed down below the surface hoping they will slip away too far for me to reach It all lies beyond my fingertips that once touched yours Memories rewound and played over and over again are mindfully being put on a shelf eventually left to gather dust and yet, sometimes... I still see your eyes Angela Minard 2010©

Here I am, at the age of 44 re-evaluating what I want to be when I grow up. I'm struggling with my job, and to tell you the truth, I'm miserable. On a daily basis I get hit, and I'm tired of all of the anxiety that it brings. It triggers a lot of feelings in me that don't help me in this healing process. Mainly it is the feeling of being trapped in a situation that I can't get out of. It is also both the fear of getting hurt, and the fear of being stuck in a job that for financial and insurance reasons, I'm bound to. My family relies on this job, and that is a lot of pressure in itself. All I know is that something has got to change. I'm not thinking of quitting or anything like that until I have a back up plan, but I am going to start exploring my options. Too bad being a poetess won't pay the bills;-) Even though I'm struggling with anxiety, I'm still managing to eat. I even strayed from my protein bar for lunch today and packed a sandwich. Mai...

My first panic attack happened on the way to the hospital. My husband had just undergone his second craniotomy to remove a brain tumor, and was horribly ill with meningitis. I thought I was going to lose him, and everything all at once felt like it was closing in on me. Suddenly I couldn't hear anything, my heart felt like it was going to burst through my chest, and I couldn't breathe. I was trapped inside the confines of my car and overwhelmed with fear. They always happen when I'm in my car. My mind wanders, churning with thoughts, and usually they are worrisome thoughts, filled with what ifs. What if this happens, what if that happens? I'm never in the present moment. I pull over, and sometimes I literally have to smack myself in the face a couple of times. I often call my therapist who will talk me through it, and help me slow down my breathing. I've had three in the past two weeks. She says that the increase is because I'm eating more, and all of the feelin...

A Piece Of Her The cigarette holes in her house dresses used to scare me, (that is what old ladies wear when they aren't going anywhere) which she seldom did. I didn't want to sit in her lap because of those burns. She smelled of talc and Estee Lauder perfume, and when she did go out, she would get all dressed up, even to go to the grocery store. I'm like her in that way. Funny, the things you inherit. I like having a piece of her inside of me. The idea that no one ever really goes away for good is comforting. I'm not sure why she is on my mind. Maybe it is to teach me that love is never lost, like a built in compass placed in the heart. I will find my way. Angela Minard 2010©

Wondering, Wishes, And Such I often wonder to myself Never aloud or maybe the wondering is more like wishing and to do it aloud would somehow jinx it so I keep it all tucked away whispers in my head Please, oh please Hoping the silence creates magic and one day I will wake up and it won't even cross my mind not once Angela Minard 2 010©

"And see how the flesh grows back across a wound, with a great vehemence, more strong than the simple, untested surface before. There's a name for it on horses, ...when it comes back darker and raised: proud flesh, as all flesh, is proud of its wounds, wears them as honors given out after battle, small triumphs pinned to the chest?" - "For What Binds Us", by Jane Hirshfield I've never thought of looking at my wounds and scars as small triumphs, but they are. I was always ashamed for not fighting back...for somehow asking for it, as most survivors of rape do, but I'm coming to believe in my strength not as a victim, but as a true survivor. The mind has wonderful ways of protecting itself from painful memories, but eventually those memories rise to the surface. Dealing with the memories is certainly painful, but also freeing. My silence served a purpose, but my voice is now longing to be heard. I'm beginning to talk, I write, and in doing those things,...