Here and Now

I know that there are going to be days like this...days when I feel let down and disappointed, and days when I'm deeply sad. Today I feel out of control with my own emotions, and when that happens, my default is to reach for the eating disorder. I need to distract my mind from what is painful, and I don't know anything else that works as well. I know that I'm supposed to sit with the feelings, but I can't, I just can't today. I'm not going to cry over this or allow myself to be hurt. How many times do I keep trying? I know that if I allow myself one day to give in to the eating disorder, I will allow another, and then another. It is only one day. I will allow myself dinner, and tomorrow will be better. I can make it different. I cannot let other people or circumstances affect my recovery. I do know that I need to guard my heart better than I've been doing. I think if anything, I've learned a lesson. Some things are better left inside.

This is one of my favorite songs from the Broadway musical, Les Miserables, sung by Lea Salonga. I just thought I would share:) On My Own And now I'm all alone again, nowhere to turn, no one to go to without a home, without a friend, without a face to say hello to And now the night is near Now I can make believe he's here Sometimes I walk alone at night When everybody else is sleeping I think of him and then I'm happy With the company I'm keeping The city goes to bed And I can live inside my head On my own Pretending he's beside me All alone I walk with him till morning Without him I feel his arms around me And when I lose my way I close my eyes And he has found me In the rain the pavement shines like silver All the lights are misty in the river In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight And all I see is him and me forever and forever And I know it's only in my mind That I'm talking to myself and not to him And although I know that he is blind Still I ...

I'm confused when you call my e-mails poetry. I don't write poems I try to explain, but all you do is nod your head up and down, with a knowing smile. In the beginning I can barely speak without choking on the words, so you say,"Why don't you write a poem about it?" I sigh with frustration, and once again explain that I don't write poems. "Okay then, journal about it, bring it in, or don't, but you need to write, and you need to trust me." So I write, and you read, sitting across from me in your rolling leather chair with your bifocals perched on the end of your nose. I pace nervously around your small office, or I look at all of the titles of books on your bookshelves. I'm afraid for some reason to look at you, afraid of what you will see if you look at me. This is when I realize that I care very much about what you think of me, and the intensity of my feelings frightens me. I want to please you, and out of that intention comes my first poem...

One Thanksgiving Closer To Recovery I wish that I had taken more of the green beans. It was some sort of a casserole, and it tasted creamy, but getting seconds of anything was out of the question on any day of the year, and this day was not an exception. I still had my rules to adhere by. I took a little bit of everything that looked good, leaving anything that I knew I liked too much. It made me feel guilty to enjoy food. No one seemed to pay much attention to my plate, unlike years before when I was obviously too thin and needed to eat. There is a lot that I did with that inside of my head. Mainly I thought it meant that I must need to lose weight. "Do you have your appetite back yet?" my father-in-law asked soon after I had returned from treatment. If only it were that simple. I had never really lost it in the first place, but the smaller I became, the safer I felt. Somehow it made me feel invincible, and I was very skilled at starving myself, only it never was enough. Am ...

I have a thing for the color purple. I especially like to wear it. I think it started in high school with a pair of purple hiking boots. I loved those boots! I have many purple clothing items and accessories. Lets see...there is my purple purse and dangly Spanish hoop earrings with purple beads, and of course my cherished long purple sweater with the white fur trimmed hood, but never a purple coat. I've been on the lookout for years, until one day about two months ago when I saw IT. It was perfect, and warmer than my other coats I justified to my husband who said that I didn't need another coat. Of all places, it was at Sam's Club where I shopped weekly, so I was taunted everytime I went. I was surprised when I would go, and they weren't sold out. I guess not everyone is as passionate about purple as I am. Now Christmas is nearing and my husband asks me what I want this year. HELLO!!! I want that purple coat! Today we went to Sam's Club to buy my son a new hoodie, a...

The slate grey clouds are darker than the twilight sky, and the trees, with both graceful and gnarled branches, stand silhouetted against the dusk of night. The houses whirl by with golden lights appearing in windows, shadows moving behind curtains. The glass is foggy on the inside, so I write my name in cursive, which I've just learned, and then I draw a heart beside it. Pleased with myself, I smile outwardly, and catching a glimpse of my reflection, I make a funny face. The memory stops there, but I often go back to it. It is simple, and at a time in my life when I didn't have much to worry about. I've always loved car rides, as long as I'm the passenger. The world feels muted and I become mesmerized by the scenery blurring all around me. My mind feels pleasantly, unchemically buzzed, and all that I hear is white noise, tuning everything out. I welcome being outside of my head with it's twists, turns, and constant commotion. I don't find that very often anymor...

Besides having a cold with a very annoying cough, I'm doing well. Two of my sons celebrated birthdays this week. My youngest turned 14, and my oldest is now 20, so that means I have eaten dessert twice. Cheesecake and french silk pie! Eating anything after I have already eaten dinner is hard for me, but I did it. I admit to wanting to restrict for the rest of the week, but I'm really going to try hard not to. I'm always glad when I can sit at the kitchen table with my family. I miss so much when I don't participate. Last night one of the boys had recorded a conversation that he was having with his brothers, and then played it back to them while we were having dessert. I love hearing their laughter and the interactions they have between each other. It was a good time. I'm looking forward to Thanksgiving break, and spending time with my family. All of the food during the holiday's really overwhelms me though. At work everyone is bringing food all of the time, and ...