Here and Now

"I have heard it all my life, A voice calling a name I recognized as my own. Sometimes it comes as a soft-bellied whisper. Sometimes it holds an edge of urgency. But always it says: Wake up, my love. You are walking asleep. There's no safety in that!" ~ Oriah Mountain Dreamer There is the feeling of waking up after a long sleep, disoriented, confused, and unsure of where I fit in this world. I gingerly touch the uncertainty of joy, afraid it will slip away along with the new found beating of my heart. I cry warm tears that wash against my cool flesh, and at last I am alive.

I can't even explain to you how tired I am of feeling like I have a heavy weight bearing down on my chest. Every time I release a breath, I have to hold back tears. Yesterday, as soon as I walked through my therapists door, I began to cry, and she explained to me that I have so many years of grief built up, and that it is going to take awhile to release all of that pain. She said, "You know, sometimes when I'm angry, I cry." "I'm not angry," I replied. "You have every right to be," she said. Sometimes I feel like I don't have any rights. I know those are residual feelings from being violated as a child, and yet those feelings remain, and they are real. I'm ashamed of my tears, but I'm also so very tired of carrying around so much shame. When does that feeling go away? I know that I'm responsible for letting go of it, but I'm not sure what I'm actively supposed to be doing. It doesn't seem like I'm doing enough. I...

I didn't go to work yesterday. In the morning, I had a doctors appointment, and I was going to go back in the afternoon, but I felt emotionally exhausted and drained. It has been a rough couple of weeks when it comes to feelings. I'm not always sure what to do with them. I think that is the problem...I'm not pushing them away, shoving them down, and starving to get rid of them. They are overwhelming at times, and there are memories that I never have actually dealt with before, and they are frightening. I woke up from a nightmare on Friday. It was a dream of a real memory, and it made me physically sick to my stomach. I thought, "How could they have done those things to a little girl." Maybe sometimes I still separate myself from the child that I was, but I think that I'm trying to integrate my two separate selves into one whole person. I don't have to dissociate to get away from those memories anymore, and I haven't done that in awhile. I'm learnin...

Things I Love Part II 1.The green of a spring sky that threatens rain in the morning 2.The smell of lilies of the valley 3.The new lipstick I found called Fashion's Night Pout:) 4.The questioning look my dog gives me 5.The sarcasm of son #4( I don't know where he gets it from;-) 6.The Bamboozler ride at World's Of Fun.( spinning is the best!) 7.The way one of my little autism kiddos pats my face 8.Child's Pose 9.Now & Later candy( Watermelon is my fav) 10.Boys, Boys, Boys, Boys( Men too!) 11.My YouTube playlist 12.My new Easter dress(which I will wear no matter how cold it is) 13.The way son #2 is a con artist 14.The way son#1 still calls me mommy 15.The funny way that son #3 greets me with a "Hi, Mom," and a little wave every time he sees me 16.My online blogger friends 17.The way my husband kisses my head( for some reason it comforts me) 18.I know that I've mentioned this before, but I'm a sucker for GLITTER! 19.Inspirational quotes 20.Peanut but...

Hands lifted open to receive, or hands facing down to ground yourself. I learned this yesterday in yoga, and almost cried. How simply beautiful it is to sit in silence and choose what your needs are in the moment. Do you need to receive love, opening your heart, or do you need to ground yourself to this world with your presence in the now. Our needs are ever changing. I have to make an effort everyday not to split myself into two different selves, and not to separate myself from pain. I awoke early this morning from a nightmare, and would drift in and out of sleep with painful memories flashing in my mind. I had to drag myself out of bed, not wanting to face the day, or myself. I thought about what I could do to ground myself, and actually sat crossed legged, in the middle of my bathroom floor, palms facing down, and began to slowly inhale and exhale, focusing on emptying my mind. It is the first time that I have used my yoga practice outside of class, and it actually worked! It was ve...

I love this song, and the lyrics really speak to me at this point in my life. Enjoy! All the fear has left me now I’m not frightened anymore It’s my heart that pounds beneath my flesh It’s my mouth that pushes out this breath And if I shed a tear I won’t cage it I won’t fear love And if I feel a rage I won’t deny it I won’t fear love Companion to our demons They will dance, and we will play With chairs, candles, and cloth Making darkness in the day It will be easy to look in or out Upstream or down without a thought And if I shed a tear I won’t cage it I won’t fear love And if I feel a rage I won’t deny it I won’t fear love Peace in the struggle To find peace Comfort on the way To comfort And if I shed a tear I won’t cage it I won’t fear love And if I feel a rage I won’t deny it I won’t fear love I won’t fear love I won’t fear love...

I had therapy last night, and see my nutritionist this evening. My therapsit wants me to add an ensure to my intake, but I don't feel like I can do it, or really want to do it. They are worried about the fact that I'm burning more calories than I'm taking in. I know this is true, but I'm trying to do this in a slow way. My weight has changed a bit, but really not that much, and certainly not enough to be concerned. They are also worried that as I see my weight and body change in a positive way, it will trigger me to become obsessive. Who me?...Obsessive? I understand the concern, and I am committed to getting to yoga five times a week, but only because it makes me feel so good. Yes, I want to see some positive changes in the way my body looks, but that is secondary to how I feel. I'm going to add more food, and I know that some people think that you have to jump right into a proper meal plan. That is what they make you do in treatment, but I think doing it that way ...