Here and Now

The Itch Of Madness It was as if the pain of remembering was not enough moments replayed in full color revisited in my sleep my mind riddled with so many bullet holes and yet the blood continued to coarse through my veins taunting me as it traveled away from my pulsing heart I began to claw at my skin in the night The winter brought an ache to my bones each step becoming a broken reminder Trying to sink into the numbness of hunger the emptiness echoing into the silence Waiting to shrink...to disappear into a quiet place but every sound was amplified, swallowed in noise A cacophony of voices, each one fighting to be heard I couldn't help but scratch the itch of madness watching as my body was consumed in flames trapped beneath burning flesh as if the pain of remembering was not enough Angela Minard 2013©

    This is just a quick update since my last post. I do not have cancer! Yippeee!!!! The MRI showed a cyst in my hip joint, thinning cartilage, and arthritis. I'm now on arthritis meds, and will be getting a steroid injection into my hip on Monday. In the future, the hip will need to be replaced, but I'm not going to worry about that right now. I'm beginning to have less pain, and the steroid is suppossed to really help. Moving on!

  Searches related to itchy, night sweats, hip pain Non hodgkins lymphoma   Here is a tip from me to you~ Never Google all of your health symptoms to find a diagnosis that fits. It will scare the living shit out of you! This is so crazy! I dislike going to see doctors, and avoid them as much as possible. I have a very high tolerance for pain... 4 natural childbirths/no drugs/no screaming or crying. I've had kidney stones and didn't shed a tear, although it did hurt like hell. In the last few months, I've been in and out of the doctors office. It was last April to be exact. I went in for a regular check up, and some minor complaints. I was having severe night sweats which I was chalking up to menopause. My hormone levels came back fine, so that wasn't the cause. My white blood cell count was high, but I was recovering from a bladder infection. Everything else was fine, so there wasn't a follow up. Around the same time I also began to have random hip ...

My hip hurts so badly that I cannot walk without wanting to cry, and even when I'm not walking, it still aches. The pain started up again at the beginning of the week, but I ignored it, hoping it would improve. Yesterday was so bad that I couldn't make it through work so I went home and called the doctor. I went in and actually cried in the office because of the pain. The doctor referred me to an orthopedic specialist and gave me some pain medication, which is not touching the pain. I couldn't get in for an appointment until Wednesday, but I don't know if I can deal with this until then. Dave wants to take me to the emergency room, but I don't know what they would do for me. I don't know what I'm going to do about work. The doctor that I saw yesterday thinks it is more than a stress fracture and that I need to have an MRI. I'm so frustrated that my body is falling apart when I've been making such a huge effort to take care of it. I don't hav...

After two months of not feeling well, and the doctor not finding much besides a high white blood cell count, I've decided to make some dietary changes and see if that will help with the symptoms I've been having. I've decided to go gluten-free and dairy-free . I already know that I'm allergic to dairy, but many of my symptoms point to an intolerance to gluten also. It may sound a bit drastic, but I'm desperate to feel better. I'm not sure how my nutritionist and therapist will feel about this. I'm afraid that they will think it is an excuse to eat a restrictive diet. With my history, I know that I will need to be careful, but I'm going to give it a shot and see how it goes. My one resolution that I made for this year was that I was going to eat three meals a day, and so far that has been going well. I'm really not concerned with my weight at this point. I've even recovered from seeing the number at the doctors last week. I truly just want to b...

All morning I've been trying to downplay my feelings. "I'm crabby, annoyed, irritated, and so on." I've been sick for weeks with various symptoms, and some of them have cleared up, but others linger, and I'm tired of not feeling well. I found myself in tears the other day, and knew that I needed to go to the doctor. My husband took me in on New Years Eve, and now I'm waiting on blood tests. I'm always so good about getting weighed. I always step on the scale backward, and have not seen my weight since before I went into treatment, but they handed me a synopsis of my visit, and there it was, in black and white. It is upsetting, although I can't pinpoint why. When I was sick, I always kept my weight in the double digits, and now I fall in the mid-range for my height. I liked not knowing or worrying myself with a number, and now that is ruined. I'm more than irritated. I'm angry right now. I'm angry that I'm letting a number get t...

I remember hearing the bells on Christmas Eve. I must have been six or seven years old because it was before my parents divorced. We had returned from midnight mass, and as I climbed into bed, I heard them clearly. I was certain it was the jingle of Santa's sleigh, so I quickly squeezed my eyes closed, hoping he would not pass by because I was not asleep. I often return to that memory, mainly because soon after, part of me forgot how to believe in magic. I've always had lovely memories of Christmas. My mom worked so hard to make the holidays special. Even when we didn't have money, she made sure we never went without, but those early years growing up are the most vivid. After the divorce, I grew up quickly, and that is what happens. I'm who I am because of how life played out. I wouldn't have my amazing step-dad if my parents hadn't split up. I'm beginning to realize that life in itself is magic. Every moment shapes who we are, and brings unexpected gif...