Here and Now

I deleted my last post from a few days ago, mainly because it was whiny and ungrateful, and that is not the person I want to be or the space I want to inhabit. Although what I wrote was my truth in the moment, I feel like if I want to move forward, I need to find a different truth. When I worry too much about the future, I become paralyzed with fear and self doubt, and as usual, I find myself standing in my own way. The goal for now is simple, and that is just to be where I am, without judgment.   

Nothing makes me more afraid than my own silence. I want to write, but the words are only fragments of incomplete thoughts, and I realize that I'm so overwhelmed by feelings of pain, that I have become incoherent. My therapist mentioned that my hyper vigilance has increased, and she is right...I'm always waiting for the next bad thing. It is a symptom of post traumatic stress which I struggle with, and the severity comes and goes. I feel helpless when it comes to dealing with a current situation that is going on in my life at the moment. I blame myself, and there is no way to fix it. Everyday I walk out of my house and slap a smile on my face, but inside I'm frozen with fear.     “I must say a word about fear. It is life's only true opponent. Only fear can defeat life. It is a clever, treacherous adversary, how well I know. It has no decency, respects no law or convention, shows no mercy. It goes for your weakest spot, which it finds with unnerving ease...

Yes, it is officially spring, but this is the picture I took of my backyard this morning. Spring break has been cold, grey, and gloomy, but even the sun worshipper in me has to admit that this is beautiful.   I've missed being here on my blog, but I've been in such a strange head space. I struggled with my health throughout the fall and winter, all of it due to side effects of anorexia. There are also family issues going on, which due to privacy, I won't write about. I'm just trying to make it through at this point, but I'm feeling quite broken most of the time. There is so much good that I want to do, but mostly I feel like I'm a failure. Well, this is why I haven't been writing!

The Itch Of Madness It was as if the pain of remembering was not enough moments replayed in full color revisited in my sleep my mind riddled with so many bullet holes and yet the blood continued to coarse through my veins taunting me as it traveled away from my pulsing heart I began to claw at my skin in the night The winter brought an ache to my bones each step becoming a broken reminder Trying to sink into the numbness of hunger the emptiness echoing into the silence Waiting to shrink...to disappear into a quiet place but every sound was amplified, swallowed in noise A cacophony of voices, each one fighting to be heard I couldn't help but scratch the itch of madness watching as my body was consumed in flames trapped beneath burning flesh as if the pain of remembering was not enough Angela Minard 2013©

    This is just a quick update since my last post. I do not have cancer! Yippeee!!!! The MRI showed a cyst in my hip joint, thinning cartilage, and arthritis. I'm now on arthritis meds, and will be getting a steroid injection into my hip on Monday. In the future, the hip will need to be replaced, but I'm not going to worry about that right now. I'm beginning to have less pain, and the steroid is suppossed to really help. Moving on!

  Searches related to itchy, night sweats, hip pain Non hodgkins lymphoma   Here is a tip from me to you~ Never Google all of your health symptoms to find a diagnosis that fits. It will scare the living shit out of you! This is so crazy! I dislike going to see doctors, and avoid them as much as possible. I have a very high tolerance for pain... 4 natural childbirths/no drugs/no screaming or crying. I've had kidney stones and didn't shed a tear, although it did hurt like hell. In the last few months, I've been in and out of the doctors office. It was last April to be exact. I went in for a regular check up, and some minor complaints. I was having severe night sweats which I was chalking up to menopause. My hormone levels came back fine, so that wasn't the cause. My white blood cell count was high, but I was recovering from a bladder infection. Everything else was fine, so there wasn't a follow up. Around the same time I also began to have random hip ...

My hip hurts so badly that I cannot walk without wanting to cry, and even when I'm not walking, it still aches. The pain started up again at the beginning of the week, but I ignored it, hoping it would improve. Yesterday was so bad that I couldn't make it through work so I went home and called the doctor. I went in and actually cried in the office because of the pain. The doctor referred me to an orthopedic specialist and gave me some pain medication, which is not touching the pain. I couldn't get in for an appointment until Wednesday, but I don't know if I can deal with this until then. Dave wants to take me to the emergency room, but I don't know what they would do for me. I don't know what I'm going to do about work. The doctor that I saw yesterday thinks it is more than a stress fracture and that I need to have an MRI. I'm so frustrated that my body is falling apart when I've been making such a huge effort to take care of it. I don't hav...