Here and Now

I had such an amazing yoga practice this afternoon, where the entire practice felt like a moving meditation, and I'm still flooded with a sense of peace and contentment. I don't have any pain in my hip right now, and I'm so grateful to be able to practice again. Not only was I missing the yoga itself, but I was also missing all of the friends I have made. I'm not going to allow what is going on in my body to steal my dreams. If I have to have surgery this year it may delay the teachers training, and my practice will be different, but where I am now, and what I'm going through is meant to teach me something if I can stop resisting and be open to whatever comes my way. Today I practiced beside a new friend, and her energy was very soothing and calm. After class we were talking, and she told me she is a massage therapist. I have been wanting to get a massage but I knew that I would have to feel a certain level of comfort and trust with someone, and I knew it wou...

Today I had a second steroid injection into my left hip, and right now it is still very painful. If I'm remembering correctly, besides being tender from the injection, I was feeling some relief, so I'm a little worried. I'm seeing another orthopedic surgeon next week for a second opinion and to see about what options are available other than a total hip replacement. I'm trying to be positive, but it is frustrating to be in so much pain just trying to perform everyday activities, let alone not being able to keep up with my yoga practice. The doctor I will be seeing specializes in hip arthroscopy and sports medicine, so hopefully after he looks at my MRI, he can help me to decide what the best option would be for my lifestyle. It is hard on my eating disorder not being able to exercise, and although it is affecting how I feel about my body, I'm trying not to let it affect my food intake. I keep reminding myself that I don't need to punish my body anymore th...

  "Sometimes she seemed like a woman without skin. She felt everything so intensely, had so little capacity to filter out pain that everyday events often seemed unbearable to her. Paradoxically it is also that skinlessness which makes a poet. One must have the gift of language, of course, but even a great gift is useless without the other curse: the eyes that see so sharply they often want to close. Her eyes were astoundingly blue and astoundingly sharp. Nothing escaped her. She saw everything, and since most of what there is to see in the world is painful, she often lived in pain."   ~Erica Jong   I don't believe that most of what there is to see in the world is painful, but I do believe that often times we rub salt into our wounds, or at least I find myself doing that by allowing my mind to travel back to what hurts. I examine it all in such great detail, torturing myself in the process. I want to stop. I need to stop. "Don't worry... Yo...

We have all heard the expression "You get what you deserve," right? Well, I've been thinking a lot about that expression lately. We talk about Karma, or "What goes around comes around." We attempt to make ourselves feel better when someone wrongs us, by telling ourselves that in the end, they will get what is coming to them, but these are cliché's, not some inherent law of the universe. I also hear people say, "Why do bad things happen to good people?" The truer cliché is that "Life is not fair." I'm realizing that when bad or painful things happen in my life, I blame myself. I think that they have happened because I deserved it, or have brought it on myself. I was raped because I was too friendly, I smiled, I wore makeup... Convincing me that it was never my fault has been quite the challenge for my therapist. My adult mind gets that logic, but the wounded eleven year old little girl that resides inside of me can't se...

I deleted my last post from a few days ago, mainly because it was whiny and ungrateful, and that is not the person I want to be or the space I want to inhabit. Although what I wrote was my truth in the moment, I feel like if I want to move forward, I need to find a different truth. When I worry too much about the future, I become paralyzed with fear and self doubt, and as usual, I find myself standing in my own way. The goal for now is simple, and that is just to be where I am, without judgment.   

Nothing makes me more afraid than my own silence. I want to write, but the words are only fragments of incomplete thoughts, and I realize that I'm so overwhelmed by feelings of pain, that I have become incoherent. My therapist mentioned that my hyper vigilance has increased, and she is right...I'm always waiting for the next bad thing. It is a symptom of post traumatic stress which I struggle with, and the severity comes and goes. I feel helpless when it comes to dealing with a current situation that is going on in my life at the moment. I blame myself, and there is no way to fix it. Everyday I walk out of my house and slap a smile on my face, but inside I'm frozen with fear.     “I must say a word about fear. It is life's only true opponent. Only fear can defeat life. It is a clever, treacherous adversary, how well I know. It has no decency, respects no law or convention, shows no mercy. It goes for your weakest spot, which it finds with unnerving ease...

Yes, it is officially spring, but this is the picture I took of my backyard this morning. Spring break has been cold, grey, and gloomy, but even the sun worshipper in me has to admit that this is beautiful.   I've missed being here on my blog, but I've been in such a strange head space. I struggled with my health throughout the fall and winter, all of it due to side effects of anorexia. There are also family issues going on, which due to privacy, I won't write about. I'm just trying to make it through at this point, but I'm feeling quite broken most of the time. There is so much good that I want to do, but mostly I feel like I'm a failure. Well, this is why I haven't been writing!