Here and Now

Everything I think about your smile when you are amused and how you hold both of my hands when you are serious I think about your arms wrapped around me when I'm shaking from the inside out but mostly I feel everything  I feel my swollen heart how it fills, and spills I devise ways to cement the cracks and ways to say goodbye I see every word I hear every detail There is nothing that I miss and yet I will miss everything Angela Minard 2014© Photography by~Sofia Ajram

Photography by~ Bahman Farzad All I Know I talk to you in my head, in my dreams and when the words won't come I write them down Always to you... Eventually I delete your replies You never write much anyway Maybe I should keep all of your ellipses and questions I save your voice mails for awhile, listening to them when I feel far away but I can hear you without them Someday you say I won't need you and my feelings will be different, but I don't want them to change I'm accustomed to this longing It is all I know Angela Minard 2014© "If you feel lost, disappointed, hesitant, or weak,  return to yourself, to who you are,  here and now,   and when you get there,  you will discover yourself,  like a lotus flower, in full bloom, even in a muddy pond, beautiful and strong." ~Masaru Emoto "The Secret Life Of Water"

Photography by~ Aleksandr Manamis We are here at 3:00 a.m. without words to soothe  O ur wounds o ozing  Sticky, Messy, Gaping Holes The darkness is not cool against our skin The shadows do not loom We are here Eclipsed to sit inside our knowing Without escape

You Want Me To Write You want me to write about willow trees their resilience or maybe how the limbs bend, but do not break as if I should compare myself to such graceful beauty but I cannot... The willow tree that I lovingly planted in our backyard, a tiny sapling with tender, delicate leaves sprouting along narrow yellow branches is dead now Too many harsh winters, followed by early springs She grew so tall, shading our swing set throughout many summers. Children climbed her enormous trunk,  and I would shout into the wind for them to be careful "Please do not fall" "Please do not break her branches" Even then I knew she was fragile, much weaker than she appeared One late winter morning I awoke to an ice covered wonderland the sun dancing off of her branches I sat on the sofa, and as I gazed out the window,  I heard the painful cracking of her limbs The weight of the ice,  finally too much for her t...

I have been writing on this blog for about six years now, and I rarely go back through old posts, but I was looking for a poem, and came across a post that I had written a few days before my first suicide attempt. I shared it with my therapist this week. I cannot even count the number of times that she has told me that if I didn't allow myself to feel pain, I would also be unable to feel joy. I wasn't sure that I believed her, but I now realize that all of my suffering was caused by my attempts to deny my feelings. My feelings often overwhelm me, and the depth of my emotions can be frightening, but I'm grateful to be alive. I'm grateful that she didn't give up on me, because she was right...even with the pain, there is an abundance of joy, and I'm blessed to still be here to feel every bit of it.  Here is the post that I wrote~ I step through your door, into the safe familiarity of pictures and books...the window where I've watched the rain an...

Artwork by~ Gabriel Moreno Eight I was taken back to when I was eight years old.  I am sitting now  tall and strong... you would never know... I don't want to imagine an eight year old girl.  I squeeze my eyes tight,  so tightly that sparks of silver shatter the darkness,  and my breath becomes so ragged that I can't find an end or a beginning.  I open my eyes and focus on the spinning fan above me.  I tell myself I'm safe.  Over and over  until I am here once again.  She is tiny,   small and afraid.  Her eyes are large,  dark pools of fear.  I don't want to touch her.  I step away,  away,  away... When I find my way back into my breath,  my ribs are tired and sore.  I'm not sure where I am,  so I rub my fingers together until I can find my way into the room.  My head is tingling,  purple lights throbbing from the c...

Photograph by~ Lucy Reynolds Elevator Dreams I miss you as soon as I step outside your door Waiting for the elevator to open wide is lonely... only I am left to hear the echo of my voice lost inside the darkness I never want to let go but I do trying to be the first to pull away Quietly I apologize for everything I am not I am not yours... Angela Minard 2014© "I unhinge my wishes, stringing them back together with desperation and love and the thin barbed wire of longing until they take on the substance of poems." ~Sarah Elwell Photograph by~Lucy Reynolds