Here and Now

I'm finding it interesting as I travel through my time here on earth, how clearly I can make sense of my journey from the grace of distance. Only weeks ago I was paralyzed with fear, unsure of what I had manifested in my life, and worried about the unknown. My husbands neurology appointment was looming, and fear of the unknown state of his health paired with my own fear of being successful left me frozen in my tracks. My first instinct was to withdraw and check out, which I did for awhile, but all that created was more suffering and anxiety. I made a decision to stop a certain behavior that I won't go into here, but it was harmful, and getting in the way of healing. I'm not sure why I turned this particular corner when I did, but it has left me with a beautiful feeling of lightness.  Last week, Dave and I went to his appointment, and it was not the news that we wanted to hear. The radiation he had last year to treat his brain tumor didn't work, and his tumor is...

My mind has been wandering lately, and I am a gifted daydreamer, if I do say so myself! It wasn't until this week though that I acknowledged what a wonderful and healthy coping skill it is to have. I found myself struggling this week, and through visualizing a safe space, I was able to self soothe and ground myself so that I didn't dissociate. I had moments of dissociation, but it never developed into a full blown episode, and for that, I am grateful. Life is happening, and after so many years of unhealthy coping, the feelings seem to fall like a rain storm. I have my freak out moments! I'm always wanting to know the reasons why I'm feeling a certain way, and if I can't come up with a reason, then I become frustrated, and tend to want to dismiss the feelings. This is where therapy comes in to really piss me off! I want a reason, dammit! I don't want to accept the feelings without a reason! Yeah, something to work on... This week has worn me out both men...

Your Shoulder If I could close my eyes and sit with my head resting on your shoulder in this time and space that is ours with only our breath and our words to speak or to be silent If I could listen beyond the chatter of thought to the memory of your voice as you let me linger in stillness trusting that you are here with me now and I am always safe it would no longer be  a daydream   Angela Minard 2015©

As the date moves closer for the launch of the Eat Breathe Thrive series, I'm more aware than ever of being a positive role model for the eating disorder community, but I will tell you that the yoga community is filled with disordered eating and obsessions with health and fitness. I listen to it every day, and it brings back memories of starving and obsessing over every bite. It breaks my heart. I need to figure out how not to be buried by the sadness. When people start talking about their diets and cleanses, my mind shuts down, mainly to protect myself. I can never go on a cleanse, or restrict in any way because for me that will be a descent back into a hell I never want to return to. I posted about my frustrations on facebook, which maybe wasn't the wisest decision, because it upsets people, but then again, I think that eating disorders are often about secrets, silence, and shame.  My voice is important... These conversations are important... Just because I...

Your Name You were lost in my ice storm Gleaming daggers dangling from frozen branches Your name like the wind  whispered in my mind My futile voice called out the suspension of breath hovering in mid air hidden within the sound of groaning trees Silently my heart loved you  the words  vanishing Angela Minard 2015©

I'm not sure when the idea of wanting to become a yoga teacher began to take shape in my mind, but it was within the first six months of having a consistent yoga practice. I had been weight restored and physically recovered from anorexia for two years, but I was still struggling mentally, and still used restriction at times as a way to manage my emotions. I cried through many practices, and the release made room little by little for more acceptance and more forgiveness. I began to appreciate what my body, which had been weak and broken, could accomplish. I toyed with restriction and pushing my body through multiple classes a day, but those were not the practices that filled me with joy. I found that fueling my body also fed my passion for yoga, and I needed to share that passion with others. The transformation that needed to take place happened on the inside, and had nothing to do with my shape, weight, or size.  I found out about the work that Chelsea Roff was doing with ...

Illusions Ahhh... so I'm talking again to you or perhaps it is only the illusion of a confidant the perfect silent friend nodding in agreement tagging along with my brilliant ideas nudging me with your elbow winking in conspiracy two vagabonds running wild I will play along for the ride knowing deep in my heart that you are a trickster masquerading as the nurturing creator Hiding your wicked smile as if I could not see that your  nightmares are brighter than my fireworks screaming white noise Simply try to close your eyes Ahhh... so I'm talking again to you or perhaps it is only an illusion... Angela Minard 2015©