Here and Now

Wilting I reach up to touch my cheek the warmth where your fingers had been... Knowing only my own feelings desperately thirsty  for more My skin must feel like sand crumbling beneath your hands quickly turning to dust  as I walk away Hearing the smile in your voice as you greet someone new I reach up to touch my cheek Angela Minard 2015©

    There is always the mirror, isn't there? A reflective distraction technique used to measure every perceived imperfection. We can tell ourselves that mirrors and numbers do not define our worth, but we still stand sideways, checking for bulging bellies, sagging bottoms, and widening hips. We plan extra workouts and elaborate cleanses to replace the thoughts of what we are actually afraid of losing. It certainly isn't extra weight or inches that we are terrified of, but we are masters at convincing ourselves otherwise. Self improvement is a national pastime, so what would we fill our time with if we weren't always so busy fixing the outer shells of who we are? Taking care of our health and wellness is important, although not for reasons of physical beauty, and yet that is what invades our minds with doubt and worry. As diligent as I am about relapse, eating disorders are sneaky, and there is always the mirror, isn't there?     "Beauty is not in t...

I'm finding it interesting as I travel through my time here on earth, how clearly I can make sense of my journey from the grace of distance. Only weeks ago I was paralyzed with fear, unsure of what I had manifested in my life, and worried about the unknown. My husbands neurology appointment was looming, and fear of the unknown state of his health paired with my own fear of being successful left me frozen in my tracks. My first instinct was to withdraw and check out, which I did for awhile, but all that created was more suffering and anxiety. I made a decision to stop a certain behavior that I won't go into here, but it was harmful, and getting in the way of healing. I'm not sure why I turned this particular corner when I did, but it has left me with a beautiful feeling of lightness.  Last week, Dave and I went to his appointment, and it was not the news that we wanted to hear. The radiation he had last year to treat his brain tumor didn't work, and his tumor is...

My mind has been wandering lately, and I am a gifted daydreamer, if I do say so myself! It wasn't until this week though that I acknowledged what a wonderful and healthy coping skill it is to have. I found myself struggling this week, and through visualizing a safe space, I was able to self soothe and ground myself so that I didn't dissociate. I had moments of dissociation, but it never developed into a full blown episode, and for that, I am grateful. Life is happening, and after so many years of unhealthy coping, the feelings seem to fall like a rain storm. I have my freak out moments! I'm always wanting to know the reasons why I'm feeling a certain way, and if I can't come up with a reason, then I become frustrated, and tend to want to dismiss the feelings. This is where therapy comes in to really piss me off! I want a reason, dammit! I don't want to accept the feelings without a reason! Yeah, something to work on... This week has worn me out both men...

Your Shoulder If I could close my eyes and sit with my head resting on your shoulder in this time and space that is ours with only our breath and our words to speak or to be silent If I could listen beyond the chatter of thought to the memory of your voice as you let me linger in stillness trusting that you are here with me now and I am always safe it would no longer be  a daydream   Angela Minard 2015©

As the date moves closer for the launch of the Eat Breathe Thrive series, I'm more aware than ever of being a positive role model for the eating disorder community, but I will tell you that the yoga community is filled with disordered eating and obsessions with health and fitness. I listen to it every day, and it brings back memories of starving and obsessing over every bite. It breaks my heart. I need to figure out how not to be buried by the sadness. When people start talking about their diets and cleanses, my mind shuts down, mainly to protect myself. I can never go on a cleanse, or restrict in any way because for me that will be a descent back into a hell I never want to return to. I posted about my frustrations on facebook, which maybe wasn't the wisest decision, because it upsets people, but then again, I think that eating disorders are often about secrets, silence, and shame.  My voice is important... These conversations are important... Just because I...

Your Name You were lost in my ice storm Gleaming daggers dangling from frozen branches Your name like the wind  whispered in my mind My futile voice called out the suspension of breath hovering in mid air hidden within the sound of groaning trees Silently my heart loved you  the words  vanishing Angela Minard 2015©