Here and Now

This is dissociation as I experience it~ Sitting with a group of friends, I'm surrounded by their familiar laughter. I vaguely feel the muscles of my face contort into the shape of a smile, although it feels somewhat ghoulish, and I'm aware of a floating sensation in my limbs, hollow, and yet strangely weary. The rise and fall of conversation is barely an echo that I'm desperately trying to grasp a hold of within my mind. I am a stranger in these moments of separation, watching with detached curiosity before I slip into oblivion...  I'm learning to catch myself before falling... Counting the length of my inhales and exhales, or naming everything I see that is the color blue, anything to remind myself that I am a part of this world. I've stopped asking myself why because the reasons are many, and complicated. I can't always figure them out, and sometimes I think they are more internal than external. If I tried to avoid the triggers, I would be a ...

Today is my birthday... the final year of this decade in my forties. It has been tumultuous to say the least.  I clawed my way through,  sometimes barely hanging on, but here I am!  I would like to say it was a beautiful ride, but not so much... At first glance,  you may have even wanted to avert your gaze,  but there was quiet celebration  if you could focus your gaze long enough to see the details.  The celebration in no particular order, because I find them all to be miracles... Finding my voice, which meant finally speaking out about being raped Going to therapy Getting treatment for anorexia which meant going inpatient and being away from my family Surviving two suicide attempts {Feeling my feelings was overwhelmingly painful, and I wanted to die.} I'm thankful that I was not successful.  Finding yoga and an accepting community Continuing to work through the process of trauma with my amazing therapis...

I am deeply and suddenly exhausted in a way that I think comes from surviving and living my life, which we are all doing in our own ways, but as a person with mental health issues, I am constantly having to find and use healthy coping skills. I am a highly anxious person which I think probably surprises many people, because I hide it well. My co-workers are always telling me how calm I am, but on the inside, I'm often tied in knots. I have been struggling with panic attacks, and intense worry over losing the important people in my life.  I hide because of shame. I have suffered since childhood with dissociative episodes, which means that it is common for me to lose chunks of time, where I remember nothing. It is how I coped with trauma, but now it is maladaptive, and no longer serves a purpose, and yet many things still trigger me to dissociate. I use a lot of energy trying to stay grounded, but also I'm worn out from the anxiety over whether or not I'm going to have...

The Feeling Of You As I bow my head your scent rises from my skin surrounded by the feeling of you inhaling... as if I could capture your essence to carry like a smooth stone in the palm of my hand shivering... I wrap the comforting weight of your arms around my shoulders breathing in the chiming sound of our laughter and the lingering warmth which is the feeling of you Angela Minard 2015© Artwork by~ Amanda Cass "A Place to Dream"

No One Listens We pack our emotions into used cardboard boxes labeling them with permanent black ink without tender care no crinkled tissue paper or newspaper print We haphazardly toss them tape them and try to forget We arrive at our destinations slamming car doors eyes to the pavement seeing nothing shoulders caving in on broken hearts We stride in brightly  wide smiles and cheerful hellos fucking liars hiding behind name brand clothing make up job descriptions dressed up to sound prestigious fancy fucking words flow from our lips We make it sound so pretty, don't we? Angela Minard 2015© Artwork by~ Audrey Kawasaki

I swallow more tears than I shed.  It is rare for me to have a "good" cry, and I'm being sarcastic when I say that. It is not that I don't cry at all. I almost cry a lot! I feel the tears forming, and I do everything I can to keep them in.  Because of this, I'm beginning to feel the weight of holding it all inside. There is nothing wrong with my life. I am probably the happiest I have ever been, but even so, my heart races, I have sudden panic attacks, and I become scared of everyone, even the people I adore the most. I do my best to hide these fears, because I understand how irrational they are. Hiding your feelings is a death sentence, or at least it is for me. I build fear like a fortress surrounding myself, and then, to tear it down, I set myself on fire. I'm quite the expert, except that I used to be so numb that I didn't recognize the chaos and damage I was creating in the process of trying to kill the pain. The last time I cried was towar...

Full Slipping between shadow and light lucid dreams cool sheets warm pillows sun seeping between cracks in the blinds bouncing from floorboard to ceiling your breath so soft   I sigh... overflowing we swallow tears and rise wading in a river of sparkling stars between our toes cool moss thick winds blow short lived stormy summer skies swollen clouds swollen eyes swollen hearts we are full Angela Minard 2015© "Change comes like a little wind that ruffles the curtains at dawn, and it comes like the stealthy perfume of wildflowers hidden in the grass." ~John Steinbeck