Winter Blessings

Winter Blessings

Waiting for snowfall,
and the squeals
of pink cheeked children.

In slow motion,
I watched them grow,
and yet the time has passed
in a blur of smiles and tears wept.

The wrapping arms
of young men.
Family gathered
and surrounded in love.

The gift of forever
in their eyes
overflowing with gratitude
I'm blessed on this winter day

Angela Minard 2009©

The Power Of Choices

I’ve been knitting and knitting for weeks. One scarf after another for friends and family. The monotony of it keeps my mind still, but this morning it doesn’t seem to be helping. All that I can think about are the damn cookies that I ate last night before I went to bed. I’m disgusted with myself, and feel like a fat pig right now. I hate all of the food around the holidays. Tonight we are having a big dinner, and if my family wasn’t here, I would eat none of it. I feel like severly restricting the moment that they all leave. It hurts because I love them so much, and this fucking eating disorder gets in the way of that. My therapist would be proud of me about the anger right now. “Yes, get angry!,” she would say. I am angry for all of the life that it has stolen from me. I have the choices right here in my own hands. I decide. Me. I’m in charge of this body. For so long, I felt absolutely no control over my own body. My body was taken, stolen, used, and I’m still trying to get it back. All of these years, and I need to take ownership, otherwise they win.

Take back your power!

An Entrecard Break

I have therapy and see my nutritionist in a little while. I did good with my food yesterday, even eating lunch out with my mom, and had some Christmas cookies last night after dinner. I felt really guilty about it, so I'm not to sure how I will do today. I haven't eaten yet, and most likely won't eat lunch, but I will try to do some dinner. I'm going to pass on getting weighed today. I don't want to hear that I haven't lost, and I certainly don't want to hear it if I've gained. My mom and I went shopping, and I was able to buy a size down in my jeans, so that made me feel good. I'm feeling fine with the weight that I am, although there is part of me that is always happy to lose more. I know that is the eating disorder talking. I'm trying not to listen to that side. It is loud, and my voice needs to get louder and more insistent. I'm in a healthier state of mind, so I think I can do it!

I'm not dropping many entrecards while I'm on my break. It takes up so much time that I need to be spending with my family. You are all in my thoughts though, and I do miss my blogging friends. I will be back to dropping and visiting blogs after my parent's leave. Much love to all of you!

Mother/Daughter Day

This picture was taken before my mom and I went out for a day of shopping and lunch.

We went out and bought pajamas, which we are lounging in as I type this post. We did all of our baking yesterday. I think we are all just enjoying spending the time together. It doesn't really matter what we do.

My mom went to my psychiatry appointment with me today. My doctor raised one med, lowered another one, and added a new one. The new one is supposed to help with the racing thoughts, anxiety, and insomnia. I can't seem to shut down my mind, and it especially bothers me at night. I hate that I have to take them, but everytime I try to go off of them, my depression and dissociation come back full force. She also gave me an assignment for the next time I see her. She wants me to write down thirty seconds worth of positive affirmations about myself. It doesn't seem like much, but I honestly am having a difficult time coming up with a list. After I write it all down, she wants me to make a copy, laminate it, and carry it around with me. She said in her German accent,"Life is too short not to love yourself." Tomorrow I will have therapy and see my nutritionist.

I think that I have been doing well with food since my parents have been here. I'm at least eating dinner, and a snack in the evening. Today my mom and I went to Pei Wei and had lettuce wraps, which I love, and I did okay with eating lunch. I'm a little anxious about dinner because I've already had a meal. I will try to do the best I can. It is only peel and eat shrimp, and a salad. I think that I will be able to handle a bit of that.

I am really enjoying my time off from work. My job can be very stressful, and as much as I do love it, I think in this profession, the breaks are much needed. This is a very relaxed holiday, and I don't feel stressed out at all. I used to put a lot of pressure on myself for everything to be perfect, but I'm getting so much better about that. My mom is too. We used to spend days baking and decorating, ending up so exhausted that we couldn't even enjoy any of it. Now I just feel so blessed to have everyone together.

Falling Into Place

Here is a picture taken a couple of years ago of me with my mom and step-dad.


This is my mom and I.


It feels so great to have my parent's here. My mom and I are going shopping today, and we will of course do some baking. I love the long talks that we have, and I've missed both my mom and my step-dad so much. I hate even calling him my step-dad because he has been like a real father to me. He and my mom started dating when I was thirteen, and we have always gotten along so well. I'm very lucky to have a supportive and loving male influence in my life. It more than makes up for the father that I lacked. The only person that is missing right now is my younger brother. He was married last weekend, and I really wish that I could have been there for the wedding, but we can celebrate this summer when we go to Florida.
I'm feeling so wonderful right now, and the depression seems far away. I get weary of the fluctuation in my moods and frame of mind. I do hope that the increase in my medication will help with that.
I've been trying to slowly increase my food intake, and actually feel fairly good with my weight and body image at the moment. I'm not drinking at all, but I do wish that I could sit down and enjoy a glass of wine with my mom. I'm not sure that I could stop at one glass though, and therein lies the problem. I do feel like everything is falling into place right now. I have a job that I love, my family is gathered around me, I have a loving husband, and great kids. What more could I possibly ask for. The only thing that I can think of is more healing and recovery.
I thought that I wouldn't be blogging much, but as you can see, here I am, so stay tuned for more:-)
Much love to all of my blogging friends. I hope that everyone has a wonderful holiday season.

Silent Treatment

I'm feeling lonely. Everyone went to bed, but I'm still wired. I had so much to do when I came home from work, and it has been such a busy day. At school, we are getting a new student after the break, so I was busy getting materials ready for his transition. It is going to be a full classroom with five boys. The new boy sounds like a handful from what I've read about him, but aren't they all at first, until we get to work with them. I love the challenge of my job, but it will be interesting to see how the first week back will be. What am I already worrying about it for anyway?
This evening I've been getting the house ready for my parent's arrival, and now that everything is as done as it's going to get, I can't calm down. I'm running on empty, but I can't slow my mind down, and everything feels like a jumble of words running into each other. Oh well, at least I'm not depressed anymore. I'm excited to see my mom and step dad. My mom and I always have so much fun baking, and shopping. It will be a whirlwind until Christmas. In between all of it, I still have therapy, psychiatrist, and nutritionist appointments. I feel like if I miss them, then I may just fall apart. My therapist says that I have trouble needing people. I fear that I need people too much. I fear all of my needs, as if they are too much, and I should apologize for my needs. I told her that I was afraid that I needed her too much, and she always asks me, "What is too much?" I have no answer. I want to disappear into my silence, without bothering anyone too much. Always too much...
We talked about the rape in therapy last week. Dr. G.C. asked me when it was that I first felt angry about it, and I don't think I've felt anger about it yet. I've felt anger towards myself for so long...blaming myself. Isn't that strange? I can't seem to feel anger towards the boys who raped me. She also asked me when I first realized that I felt anger towards my dad. I think that I was around fourteen when I understood that we weren't important to him, and then I felt angry, but I have never had him around long enough to get angry with. I'm not good at showing it anyway. I'm good at the silent treatment when I'm mad, and that is why I cut him out of my life. That was my form of the silent treatment. I guess that when it comes to the rape, I direct that anger also at my dad because he didn't protect me when I was only a little girl. He let something so horrible happen, and it is hard to forgive. I'm trying, but it hurts. I talked with him on the phone for a few minutes tonight. He called again to ask me if I had thought about doing a therapy session with him. I think I will do it if Dr. G.C. will go with me. I'm scared to walk in there alone, but if I can confront him with my anger, I do believe it would help me to heal.

A Wish For Peace

I'm actually blogging from work today because we are doing nothing productive, and the student that I work with isn't even here. We are having our holiday party, which of course means a ridiculous amount of food. In fact, my co-worker's are already eating and it is only 8:30 a.m. It is stressing me out,so that is why I'm over at the computer blogging instead of eating. I'm really going to eat some this afternoon though, because it would look strange if I didn't.
I have so much to do tonight before my parent's get here. I have a lot of cleaning to do because it is so hard to do it during the week, and with the boys, it doesn't stay that way, so why bother. I'm excited though, and have a ton of energy. Maybe the increase in my medication is working too well. My therapist said that I seemed a bit manic at our last session. It was a great session though. We talked about my being hurt that she would drop me over the alcohol thing. She explained again that she has limits, and that she cares about me so much that she couldn't watch me destroy myself. It has worked, because I haven't had a drink since, even though I have wanted to at times. I think I'm over the hurt. She gave me such a great hug before I left, and said it was my choice. I would get rid of her when I was ready, but that she hoped it would only be when I was recovered enough not to need her. I have a better understanding of where she is coming from. We also talked about my going to therapy with my dad, and she said that she would really like to go with me if it was possible. She also wants to talk with the therapist beforehand. She doesn't want it to be one sided. Her hope is that I can finally direct my anger where it needs to be directed, so I'm seriously considering doing it.
Well, that is all for now. I may not be blogging much while my parent's are here. We will see, but if not, I hope that everyone has a wonderful holiday, and can be with their loved ones. I feel so blessed to be with mine, although I will be missing my brother. I wish everyone peace.

Now Is What Matters

I'm feeling better today, even though it is still so grey and gloomy outside... Oh, and did I mention, absolutely frigid!

I had a good day, even though I was observed by the parent of the student that I work with. I was nervous about it beforehand, but it went well, and he seemed pleased by how I handled his behaviors. I was worried about it all weekend. I tend to get overly anxious and worked up over things in which I have no control. Now I only have four more days of work, and then Christmas break. It will be three weeks of heaven. This week I will be getting ready for my parents visit. We put the tree up last night, and now I'm feeling more festive. I've been knitting like a mad woman to finish up my scarves for Christmas gifts. I also sold two of them at work, and I still have a couple to do for friends. I think it has helped to keep me sane, but I do think the increase in meds have already helped some.

I finally called my dad back today after weeks of avoiding his calls. He left a message on my machine today, and asked if I would go to one of his therapy sessions with him. When I called him, I told him that I would think about it, and that maybe we could meet for coffee and talk sometime before I go back to work. I actually feel relieved that I called him back because it was weighing on my heart and mind. I think that I just want to keep moving forward and away from the past. It is what it is, and placing blame on others really isn't getting me anywhere.

Food has been better. Last night I had a chicken sandwich with Dave, and then at lunch today I had some pita chips with hummus, in case you all care what I eat! What I should eat feels so complicated and overwhelming. Maybe after the holiday's I will have my nutritionist make me out a specific meal plan to follow so that I don't even have to decide what to eat for awhile, at least until I can get back on track. I'm afraid of gaining back the weight that I've lost, and feel as if my self worth is based on what I weigh. I want to get past it, but I'm at loss as to how to do that when so for so long, it is what I've believed. I know that it doesn't even work, because even when I've been at my thinnest and sickest, I've not felt good about myself. Today I feel like I'm in a good place, and now is what matters.

Just Snap Out Of It

The weather here is still dreary, drizzly, and cold. I sit here as I type, wishing for fingerless gloves. Yes, I would wear them:) I'm still struggling with the depression, but reaching out for help. My psychiatrist raised my medication dose, so hopefully that will help. Eating and more nutrition would also help my mood, and yesterday I did better than usual, but today it was back to restricting. The full feeling is hard for me to sit with, even though I know that it will pass if I give it time. I just didn't want to go through that today. My nutritionist weighed me on Wednesday, and I've lost weight, although she wouldn't tell me how much. That is fine. I already knew I had lost, and though the eating disorder is thrilled by this, there is another part of me that is afraid. I'm afraid that I won't find my way out of this, ever. I'm afraid that I will always be ruled by weights and numbers, food and calories, the mirror and my distorted mind. I'm really going to try to eat more this week. If I can focus on the holiday's and being connected to my family, I think that will help. This is my last week of work before Christmas break, and my parents will be here on Saturday. I can't wait to see them, and I know the boys are excited because they keep asking when they are getting here. We still haven't decorated or put up the tree, but it will definitely be done tomorrow. I can no longer put it off, and I just have to snap out of these blues.

Snap!

On The Inside

It is as miserable outside as I feel on the inside. The days have been cold, wet, and grey, so it is no wonder that I feel depressed. I hate winter in Kansas, and the worst part is that it has only just begun. I long for either bright, sparkling snow, or clear, golden sun, and blue skies, but that doesn't happen here much in the winter. The lack of light saddens me. I see my psychiatrist in a week, so I'm thinking of asking her to raise my anti-depressant dose. As much as I hate being on medication, if I'm going to be on it, then I should at least be feeling better than this. It is difficult for me to get into the Christmas spirit, but I'm trying. I've been knitting scarves for my mother and sister-in-laws to give as gifts, and I've also sold a couple at work. My fingers are getting tired, but the knitting is relaxing, and it actually helps to calm my racing thoughts. I can't seem to concentrate for long enough to watch television or read a book without my mind getting in the way. My thoughts aren't even whole, complete thoughts, but fragments, and flashing images. I'm also going to talk to my psychiatrist about this, because it make me feel close to insanity, and it can't be normal. I just don't want to fall into the deep depression that I was in last year at this time. I can feel myself sinking, and I want to catch it before it gets that far. I'm glad that I can recognize the symptoms, and reach out for help. If lasts years suicide attempt has taught me anything, it is that I'm not alone with this. This time I'm going to use the support.

Feel The Joy

My dad has called a few times since I saw him at my grandpa's visitation. I programmed his number into my phone just in case I gather the courage to actually return his call. I was upset when I thought that he wasn't ever going to call, and now that he has, I'm not sure what to do. This is not me being spiteful towards him, or at least, I don't think it is. I do feel the need to protect myself from anymore damage or unintentionally hurtful words. Mostly I think it is what he doesn't say that hurts the most. He can be so oblivious and self absorbed, and although he is no longer drinking and using drugs, I don't think those qualities have changed. I don't need a father figure, because for the majority of my life, I've had an amazing step-father who more than filled those shoes. I ask myself what is it that I want, and I'm not sure. I know that being totally cut off from him by my own choosing feels wrong. He keeps attempting to reach out, and although I don't feel like I owe him anything, I do owe it to myself to try. It takes so much more energy to be bitter and unforgiving.
Therapy this week was very hard, but it was also a great session. My therapist is pushing me more to feel and get angry, and also to figure out why I'm so afraid of expressing my anger. I'm afraid that my anger will push people to leave. I'm also afraid of the intense emotions of others. I'll do anything to avoid conflict or confrontation. I usually just shut down, and become silent. In therapy, I'm learning to use my voice. We practice a lot, but my poor tharapist is taking the brunt of my anger at the moment. She points out to me that she isn't going anywhere just because I get angry with her. That is good to know. Right now, I'm pushing down some of the intense emotions that I feel by restricting my food intake, but I think even that is getting better. I'm making more of an effort to eat, even when I don't feel like I can. The hardest part of eating right now is contolling the urge to purge. The feeling of fullness is overwhelming, and I have to remind myself that it will pass if I can give it time. Being so filled with emotions is hard enough, and adding food on top of it can feel like too much to handle.
The next two weeks are going to be so busy with holiday activities. We are putting our tree up today, so that will help to get me in the spirit. My nutritionist asked me how the holiday's would be if I continue to restrict, so I need to think about that. Restricting tends to numb my feelings, even the good ones. I want to be present, and to enjoy Christmas with my family, so I'm going to make every effort to increase my food intake. I want to feel the joy!

An Uncontrollable Fury

Where did this month go? The good days, the bad, the days that I don't remember. The days that I don't remember confuse and worry me. There are days that I'm outside of myself, looking in, as if I'm a stranger. I awaken from a nightmare, and the day slips away into a distant, safe place, and even I can't tell you where I go. There are so many ways to numb my feelings, and I have managed to find most of them. I also don't want them to be taken away, and one by one, I feel that they are being stripped away from me, without my consent. I know this isn't true, and that I have a say. I have a voice that I consistently try to silence.
Everyone at work notices that I don't eat, and all that I feel is indifference. I don't even care to hide it anymore. It's not that I don't eat. It's just that it is mostly when no one is watching, and although it's not much, I do eat. I feel a sense of embarrassment that I need to eat, almost apologetic. "I'm sorry," I say to myself, and I am. So sorry.
Tomorrow I have therapy, and already I can feel anger being directed at my therapist. I recognize that this is transference of my anger at others being projected on to her. I'm so uncomfortable with this that I'm squirming just thinking about it. I've been dreaming up different scenarios in my mind about ways to terminate our relationship. I've never wanted to push someone away so much in my life. Everything feels like it is closing in on me, my emotions boiling just beneath the surface, and I'm afraid. I'm afraid that I can't do this, and I'm afraid that it is going to happen anyway. Deep inside, there is an uncontrollable fury waiting to combust, and the word that scares me the most, is uncontrollable.