Open Arms

It has been a month since I was admitted into a psychiatric hospital with severe depression and suicidal thoughts. Those thoughts were like a broken record running through my mind until I thought I was truly insane. There is nothing darker than the dream of dying. It feels strange to be able to smile, and say that those thoughts are far away. I can laugh and feel real joy now, knowing it is not the fake smile that I often hide behind. I can’t tell you what has changed in me, and I fear that the darkness will return without a moments notice. I’m eating again. That has changed. Poor nutrition played a big part in my depression. I was hopeless and powerless in the face of my eating disorder. I have to fight it every minute of the day. There is always the voice that says I’m not worthy of living a happy life. It is hard to find the positive attributes in myself. I rely on others to mirror my beauty back to me, instead of looking at my own reflection, and seeing it in myself. I still fight the urge to lie, to skip meals, and to hurt myself, but now there is a larger part of me that longs for recovery, and longs to be heard. I’m working on finding the strength in my own voice. I worry that I haven’t hit rock bottom, and that I haven’t felt enough pain, because for so long I felt that I deserved the pain. I’m learning that I can’t project what tomorrow will bring. I have to constantly remember that all there will ever be is now, and now is what I need to live for. Ahhh, here and now is what I have dreamed of for so long. Embracing the moment, I will hold my arms open wide.

Do, Not Try

I'm consistently filled with worries that play on a loop going around in circles in my mind. Sometimes I get stuck on one, and it repeats over and over, becoming larger and larger, until I have blown it way out of proportion. I found out yesterday at work that I have to take a pre-assessment test over all of the topics we have covered this year in our classes. I'm not good at tests, and we have covered a lot of information this year. It does me no good to worry, and yet I do. Last night I did some of the visualizations that I learned in therapy, and I actually fell asleep while doing it. I was proud of myself for applying what I had learned. It helps if I can slow my thoughts down,but of course the worry is back today. I will study, and do the best that I can with the test. That is all that I can do. There...feeling better all ready. I have to remember that I have control over all of the thoughts, good and bad. I can choose a more positive path. Here are some good thoughts for today~ The sun is shining. I'm spending the day with my husband. I'm going to my first hockey game. Everyone in my family is healthy. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't laugh with my children. I have unlimited support and love surrounding me. Now, if I can hold on to these thoughts throughout my day, I will consider myself successful. Do, not try, is my motto for the day.

Slowing Down

My therapist gave me this book called The Food & Feelings Workbook by Karen R. Koenig. I've been flipping through it, and to tell you the truth, I'm afraid to read it. God forbid, it might help me to get more in touch with my feelings! I notice that throughout the book, it asks you to stop, close your eyes, and ask yourself how you feel. I've tried this a few times, and nothing comes. I draw a blank. I hate to be asked how I feel because I'm afraid that the answer will somehow be wrong, as if my feelings aren't valid. The question overwhelms me, and I shut down. I've become more quiet and inward lately, but I'm still having trouble slowing my mind down. I've had a couple of panick attacks in the past two weeks. The tension at work on top of all of the therapy has me feeling anxious. Last night in my therapy session, we really worked on ways for me to learn to slow my mind down with some peaceful visualizations. We practiced in the session, and I walked out of there feeling more relaxed than I had in a long time. I think that I will be able to do these on my own when I start to feel stressed.
I've noticed at work and in my group sessions, that I tend to take on everyone else's problems, and make them my own, and then I'm left feeling overwhelmed. I'm definitely going to work on this. I think that I'm beginning to become more aware of ways in which I sabotage myself, and awareness is half the battle. I feel like with this awareness, I will be better able to control how I react to stressful situations.
Lastly, food is going much better. I'm still drinking meal replacement drinks, but sometimes I'm able to have food instead. I'm recognizing my hunger cues, and trying to eat when I feel hungry. It is hard, and definitely scary, but I feels like it's getting easier everyday. I know that everyday won't be easy, but I'll take the days that are!

Work Frustration

Today has been such an uncomfortable day at work. My co-workers aren't getting along with each other, two of the para's hate the lead teacher, and are now going to be job sharing, so that they can get out of the classroom for at least half of the day each. I feel caught in the middle and cannot stand the gossip and discontentment. It makes me so sad, because before Christmas break, everyone was getting along. I'm not even sure what happened to get all of this back biting started, but it has me so on edge. I have a feeling that it is going to be this way for the rest of the year, so that really disappoints me because we used to have such fun in our classroom. I know that regardless, we are there for the kids, but it would also be nice if everyone could manage to get along. Anyway...I'm finished venting about work. I thought it would make me feel better to get some of my frustration out here:) It is Monday, so I do hope that this week improves.

A Bottomless Pit

I can't get enough. I'm filled with the weight of emotion. I have insatiable needs that could never possibly be met. Desire... I can't get close enough to those that I love. These are my feelings at the moment. I'm hungry after a long period of not having any appetite at all, and I'm afraid, mostly that I won't know how to stop once I've started. I feel as if I will never be able to take in enough food, enough love, enough warmth. I'm a bottomless pit of wanting, so much so that I want to cry with the longing of it all.

My week has been filled with therapy and my recovery group. I'm still trying to process everything that I'm taking in, and I'm overwhelmed with words, sad stories, but also hope. I sit for three hours in group listening to others experiences with addiction and despair. I share and contribute, but mostly I'm learning. I cannot seem to keep up with all of the emotions that constantly wash over me. I'm trying to name them as they come, but that is something that I'm still working on. Therapists are forever asking you how you feel, and I'm always saying, "I don't know." I'm frustrated by this, but the more I talk out loud and get feedback from others, the more I'm able to get in touch with the feelings. I'm surprised at times by what comes out of my mouth while sharing in the group setting. I find that I have so many thoughts and feelings that I didn't even realize I had until I voice them, and as exhausting as all of this is, I think that I'm finally moving in the right direction.

A Moment Of Hunger

A Moment Of Hunger

Edgy with a hunger that gnaws deep within
Needles shaking as the yarn spills
from between clumsy fingers
The aroma of chocolate chip cookies
freshly baked, permeates not only the air,
but my mind.
Ignoring the needy flesh that craves
Berating myself, hating myself,
and all of the endless wanting
Preparing tea to quell the growling emptiness
Distracted and pulled away for a moment,
the buzzing chatter of a cluttered mind
quiets with the mundane task
Cold hands wrap around the steaming cup,
reflection wavering amidst the golden water
The sweet warmth, gulped in quick succession,
fills the cavernous darkness,
soothing the throbbing ache inside,
thankfully growing numb to the pain

Angela Minard 2010©

Caught In The Cage

"I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad. The dreams in which I’m dying are the best I’ve ever had."

I talked to my therapist on Wednesday about my sadness, and how low I’ve been feeling. She suggested that maybe I’m grieving the loss of the eating disorder. I had never really thought about that, but it does fit. I’m struggling, and sometimes I’m not even sure that I want to give it up. I purged two times this week. One time was over some fast food that I ate, and the other time I wasn’t even sure why I did it until I talked with my nutritionist. We talked about what had been going on that day, and I told her that I had received a text from my brother that had hurt my feelings. In the text he says that I’m being a coward for not calling my parents sooner to let them know how I was doing. He layed a big guilt trip on me, which I really didn’t need. I’m doing the best I can just to make it through the day, and hearing what a horrible person I am only reinforces my own thoughts and feelings about myself. Anyway…that was one of the days that I purged, but I hadn’t tied it together with the text until I had someone to help me sort through it. I’m trying not to restrict, and to stick with my meal plan, which feels very scary. I think that if I didn’t have so many people who cared about me and were trying to help me, I would be hanging on to this eating disorder for dear life. I feel like I’m letting go without a net below to break the fall. I suppose that I will have to let all of those people catch me as I come crashing to the ground.

Combat

I’m sadly detached, as if I’m watching myself through a window. Everything is dreamlike and surreal, with the world spinning in slow motion, and yet I can’t seem to reach myself. I was hoping that some of the depression would lift. I don’t feel as hopeless, but I’m still feeling sad and despondent. I can’t pinpoint a reason as to why I’m feeling this way which is so frustrating, because I would fix it if I could. I’m glad to be at work, I’m slowly increasing my food intake, I’m going to all of my therapies, taking my medications, and going to the addiction recovery meetings. I’m doing what I can to take care of myself, but still this sadness hangs over me. I’m so tired of feeling this way. I’m hoping that the warmth and sunshine of spring will pull me out of this darkness. I always seem to lose hope in the midst of winter, so maybe the grey, dreary days wear me down, making me more susceptible to depression. I just don’t want to go through another winter like this. I need to find a way to combat these feelings and be proactive when they begin to come around. Maybe through all of this therapy, I will be taught some ways to better help myself.

Separations Of Self

Lying on the floor coloring
Winnie The Pooh,
you sit on the stairs,
dried mascara making tracks
down your cheeks.
He walks out the front door,
leaving it open a crack.
Just enough sunlight
to watch the dust
swirling in the air,
wishing there was a magic
place to run to.
Instead, your voice breaks
with the words you had never
wanted to say.
The warmth of your arms
feels like a dream,
and for a moment,
eyes closed, pretending...
It is all understood.
Nothing stays the same.

Moving away from childhood
into the unknown darkness,
the monsters, one by one
show their faces,
hiding in shadow,
reaching out.
The nightmares begin.
Loneliness is an empty companion
with cold hands.

Inhaling with labored breaths,
choking on the silence,
while rough hands grope.
Stealing what is left
of innocence,
hope turns to shame.
It becomes peaceful to hide within,
slipping away into nothingness.
The splintered mind takes over,
masking the fear.
Finding a safe place,
like the black and white pages
of a coloring book.

Angela Minard 2010©

Feelings

My emotions bubble to the surface, often leaving me teary eyed and raw. I'm not even sure what these feelings are about. I've had therapy and nutritionist appointments along with the out-patient addiction recovery meetings which are three times a week. I have 4 more weeks to go. I'm already weary and feeling emotionally drained. Thursday night in the recovery group, I started to cry while I was sharing about my week. I don't even know what it was that made me cry. I have a difficult time labeling my emotions, and it is frustrating. That is a lot of what I'm working on in therapy, especially working on anger, which is the hardest for me to admit to or identify. I stuff my feelings down, restricting my food intake to numb and bury the feelings. Now that I'm adding more food to my meal plan, the feelings are returning full force, and it is scary. Most of the time though, the mask is on. I'm cheerful and smiling on the outside, while the pain on the inside aches all of the time. I do have hope that all of this will improve, and eventually I will feel better. It is going to take a lot of work, but I'm more than willing to do what it takes.

Scarlet

This is from a song by Brook Fraser, that I just love. The lyrics express many of the feelings that I've been going through in the past month.

Scarlet

Middle of nowhere

finally you can breathe

Nobody knows your name

It's easier that way.

Shut your eyes tightly

Clench your fists

until they almost bleed

Cautiously, lightly

gently expose

what's underneath~

and all you feel now

is the scarlet in the day

and even if it's real

you can't stay~

so there you go

you're gone for good.

Yes, there you go

you're gone for good

Your mind is swollen

from months of thought

without release.

They've taken

their toll on you.

and this very moment

of timid and fragile honesty

is precious and rare,

and fleeting~

and all you feel now

is the scarlet in the day.

and even if it's real,

you can't stay.

You can't stay.

Brooke Fraser

Chances

I started back to work on Monday, and it felt really good to be back to my usual routine. I was nervous about the questions that my co-workers would ask me about why I had been gone so long, but no one really asked too many questions. I did hear from one of my co-workers that it was flying around the rumour mill that I had been gone for psychiatric treatment. He also told me that my supervisors were going to pull me into a meeting to discuss whether or not this job was too stressful for me. I'm just going to say that it is not, and that the doctors had said that I could return to work without restrictions. That is all that I'm going to say. It really isn't anyone's business why I've been gone. I had just received a great review from my supervisor, so they can't say that my work has been poor.
I've also been very busy with therapy and the addiction recovery program that I'm attending. I was really anxious about going through such an intense and long program because I had hated the A.A. meetings so much, but I'm really actually enjoying them. The people and all of the staff there are so nice and welcoming. It is such a diverse mixture of people, and very interesting to listen to their stories. I'm exhausted from my day at work, and then having to attend the three hour program in the evenings. I'm emotionally drained by the end of the night, but I'm willing to do whatever it takes to get my act together.
I need to call my mom and my step dad and tell them that I'm doing okay. I don't know why I've been putting it off, besides the fact that I'm ashamed and embarrassed that this happened again for the second time in two years. I'm feeling stronger now, so today I'm going to suck it up and give them a call.
I've been eating better. I'm drinking a meal replacement shake in the morning and afternoon, and then eating dinner. It is more than I've consumed in months, and it is really stressing me out. I actually cried yesterday, while I was drinking the shake. I know that sounds so ridiculous, but it's hard. I had lost most of the weight that I had gained last year, and I'm just terrified to put it back on because I was so miserable. I'm going to do this though. I don't want to put my family through this again. Well, that is what is going on in my life at the moment. I'm just grateful to have been given so many chances to live.