Dreams And Aspirations

"Deep into the darkness peering, long I stood there, wondering, fearing, doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before." ~Edgar Allan Poe, The Raven

I'm feeling lonely and a bit sad, although I'm not sure where this is coming from. I think a certain amount of it is my own detachment when life gets difficult. I guess I'm not that great at handling stress or something. Money is beyond tight, Justice's 15th birthday is today, we can't afford a gift for him, and my job is causing me anxiety. My husband told me not to talk about my job here in case the people that I work with read it. I suppose he is right, but his comment still bothered me. He worries that I divulge too much of myself here, and the criticism hurts me. It is another thing that I'm not so great at..taking criticism. My inner voice isn't being so kind at the moment. I think of all of the things that
I should be feeling grateful for, and instead all I'm doing is feeling sorry for myself.
I will begin by reminding myself of what I have. I have a healthy family at the moment, a roof over our heads, a job which I know is hard to come by for many people right now. We have had it much worse before, when my husband was sick and we were fighting for him to get disability. We almost lost everything, and it was a very frightening time in our lives. I was thankful to get a job working for our school district. It was a job that allowed me to still be home for the boys, and working with students with autism is rewarding in many ways. I think that I'm just burned out from working with the aggressive kids. I need to try and make the best of things with a more positive attitude!
Writing really does seem to help me find a way to sort everything out in my mind. My therapist has been pushing me to try to get my poetry published, and although it makes me feel good that she believes in me so much, I'm afraid of the rejection that submitting my manuscript may bring. I'm seriously thinking about pursuing it though. It will never happen if I don't try. I've also thought of self-publishing, but that takes some money, which I definitely don't have at the moment. I need to have a dream and a goal to strive for. Life just isn't quite the same without dreams and aspirations, and I want so much more than to only feel like I'm going through the motions day by day.

Your Eyes

Your Eyes

Sometimes I see your eyes
Gold and green
a flash in my mind
that sets off a chain reaction
of feelings
Daydreams and longing
that have to be pushed
down below the surface
hoping they will slip away
too far for me to reach
It all lies beyond my fingertips
that once touched yours
Memories rewound and played
over and over again
are mindfully being put on a shelf
eventually left to gather dust
and yet, sometimes...
I still see your eyes

Angela Minard 2010©

Growing And Changing Directions

Here I am, at the age of 44 re-evaluating what I want to be when I grow up. I'm struggling with my job, and to tell you the truth, I'm miserable. On a daily basis I get hit, and I'm tired of all of the anxiety that it brings. It triggers a lot of feelings in me that don't help me in this healing process. Mainly it is the feeling of being trapped in a situation that I can't get out of. It is also both the fear of getting hurt, and the fear of being stuck in a job that for financial and insurance reasons, I'm bound to. My family relies on this job, and that is a lot of pressure in itself. All I know is that something has got to change. I'm not thinking of quitting or anything like that until I have a back up plan, but I am going to start exploring my options. Too bad being a poetess won't pay the bills;-)
Even though I'm struggling with anxiety, I'm still managing to eat. I even strayed from my protein bar for lunch today and packed a sandwich. Mainly it was because I was out of protein bars, but it would have been so easy for me to skip a meal, and I didn't. I see myself improving in so many ways, but I also find myself wanting to speed things along, and break down some of the barriers that are standing in the way of recovery. Oh well...all that I can do is keep plugging along.

Panic Attacks

My first panic attack happened on the way to the hospital. My husband had just undergone his second craniotomy to remove a brain tumor, and was horribly ill with meningitis. I thought I was going to lose him, and everything all at once felt like it was closing in on me. Suddenly I couldn't hear anything, my heart felt like it was going to burst through my chest, and I couldn't breathe. I was trapped inside the confines of my car and overwhelmed with fear. They always happen when I'm in my car. My mind wanders, churning with thoughts, and usually they are worrisome thoughts, filled with what ifs. What if this happens, what if that happens? I'm never in the present moment. I pull over, and sometimes I literally have to smack myself in the face a couple of times. I often call my therapist who will talk me through it, and help me slow down my breathing. I've had three in the past two weeks. She says that the increase is because I'm eating more, and all of the feelings that I usually bury with the eating disorder are coming to the surface. It makes sense, but no wonder I struggle with relapse. It makes it easy to skip a meal here, skip a meal there, until I've managed to totally block out all feeling. I'm not doing that though. I'm pushing through, but I dread when the next wave will hit, the next panic attack, or the next nightmare. I see my psychiatrist next week, and I'm going to ask for more Xanax. I hate to rely on drugs, but maybe it will get me through this rough patch. Maybe I'm asking for too much to think that one day I will be free from all of this. The bouts of depression, and anxiety are things that I've struggled with for most of my life, and maybe it is part of my make up, and I should just accept who I am, flaws and all. Ahhh, acceptance...there's a concept!

A Piece Of Her

A Piece Of Her

The cigarette holes in her house dresses used to scare me,
(that is what old ladies wear when they aren't going anywhere)
which she seldom did.
I didn't want to sit in her lap
because of those burns.
She smelled of talc and Estee Lauder perfume,
and when she did go out, she would get all dressed up,
even to go to the grocery store.
I'm like her in that way.
Funny, the things you inherit.
I like having a piece of her inside of me.
The idea that no one ever really goes away for good is comforting.
I'm not sure why she is on my mind.
Maybe it is to teach me that love is never lost,
like a built in compass placed in the heart.
I will find my way.

Angela Minard 2010©

Wondering, Wishes, And Such

Wondering, Wishes, And Such

I often wonder to myself
Never aloud
or maybe the wondering
is more like wishing
and to do it aloud
would somehow jinx it
so I keep it all tucked away
whispers in my head
Please, oh please
Hoping the silence
creates magic
and one day I will wake up
and it won't even cross my mind
not once

Angela Minard 2010©

Small Triumphs

"And see how the flesh grows back across a wound, with a great vehemence, more strong than the simple, untested surface before. There's a name for it on horses,
...when it comes back darker and raised: proud flesh, as all flesh, is proud of its wounds, wears them as honors given out after battle, small triumphs pinned to the chest?" - "For What Binds Us", by Jane Hirshfield

I've never thought of looking at my wounds and scars as small triumphs, but they are. I was always ashamed for not fighting back...for somehow asking for it, as most survivors of rape do, but I'm coming to believe in my strength not as a victim, but as a true survivor. The mind has wonderful ways of protecting itself from painful memories, but eventually those memories rise to the surface. Dealing with the memories is certainly painful, but also freeing. My silence served a purpose, but my voice is now longing to be heard. I'm beginning to talk, I write, and in doing those things, I'm slowly letting go. I never thought that night four years ago when I told my husband, that there would be so much pain, fear, and anger inside, or that I would hold on to it so tightly. It was mine alone, and who would I be without it? I could only hide from myself for so long, and now I'm finding out that I'm really going to be okay. It is a wonderful realization. I feel the triumph of my spirit beginning to shine through.

Grieving

“My grief lies all within, and these external manners of lament are merely shadows to the unseen grief that swells with silence in the tortured soul” ~Shakespeare

Sometime I feel the grief swelling inside of my chest, and it overwhelms me to the depths of despair. It follows me around like thunder in my soul, pounding in my ears...a heavy weight that bears down on top of me. I want it to go away, and yet it almost feels good to hurt. Allowing myself to acknowledge my feelings is helping me to heal, so I keep on fighting not to push it away. I understand my reticence to go through this because it hurts like nothing else that I've ever felt. It makes me dread even more the loss of those that I love, if that makes any sense. Grieving all that I've lost...time, and the child that I was, has changed who I am, but it has also made me stronger. It makes me want to hold on even more tightly to what I have, so I'm holding on, and letting go.

Becoming

"We all wear masks and the time comes when we cannot remove them without removing our own skin." ~André Berthiaume

I've often wondered if the masks that we wear become who we really are. Everyone wears one at certain times to protect themselves, but often we hide behind them permanently, losing our true selves. The mask is who I always wished I could be...happy, kind, carefree, compassionate, but the truth is that I am all of those things, just not all of the time. I hid my pain behind a smile because I didn't want to feel it, and I wishfully thought that if I ignored it, it would all go away. I couldn't live that way forever, and now it is like the dam broke, and all of those feelings that I stuffed down are now pouring out all over the place.
I had a therapy session on Wednesday, and my therapist wanted me to read one of my poems out loud. I choked on the words, sobbing through the whole thing. Feelings that were buried so deep are finally coming to the surface, and it hurts. God, it hurts. It hurts to speak aloud so much pain. It makes it all real. When I was younger, I tried to fool myself into believing it was all just a very bad dream. When it became too real, I would dissociate, and that could make it disappear for awhile. As I grew older, I developed the eating disorder as a way to numb myself. It was a way to focus all of those emotions into something I could control. Without those ways of coping, I have to manage all of those feelings on my own, and it is hard, and also exhausting. I'm tired all of the time. My sleep is better though, and my nightmares are decreasing. I'm less anxious than I've been in a long time. There is still a lot to work through. I feel tremendous grief for all that has been lost. I feel a sadness for the child that I was, but I also feel a sense of excitement for the woman that I'm becoming.

Looking Forward

I'm really surprised at how well I'm doing with food right now. I'm not sure what triggered this turn around, but I'm trying not to question it, and just go with it. I ate dinner last night, and I struggled with how I felt afterwards, but the feeling passed eventually. I have irrational thoughts, but I voiced the thought I was having to my husband, and he said, "Is that you talking, or the eating disorder?" That helped me to realize that my mind wasn't in the right place, and that I couldn't have possibly grown bigger in the short amount of time that it had taken me to eat dinner. I know that sounds crazy, but it is seriously what I thought! Feeling full scares me, but feeling hungry also scares me. When I'm hungry, I'm afraid that when I do eat, I will eat too much, and when I'm full, I'm afraid that I've eaten too much, and I'm going to gain weight. I know that this is a process, and that if I continue to consistently eat, these feelings will eventually fade into the background, and won't be so loud. I'm looking forward to that day!

Tonight I have a therapy session, and I'm looking forward to sharing some of my journaling and poems with my therapist. I wrote "The Hands," which was triggered by some body memories that I had over the weekend. Body memories are like flashbacks where you can physically feel the past trauma, and it is extremely frightening to go through. I was able to ground myself soon after it started, and writing through the memory really helped me. I think that I'm ready to let go of all of that pain, and I feel like I'm beginning to heal. It is one more thing to look forward to. It has been a long time coming.

The Star

This was my daily Tarot card for today, and I love it! I love how it says to make the most of the now. That is really what I'm trying to do. I feel so positive, and like I can finally move forward.

The Star
Hope and inspiration. Realization of dreams and goals possible now. Whatever venture you are involved with, your lucky stars are with you. Positive energies flowing freely into your life. Make the most of the now. Heavenly influences surrounding you. Blessings are flowing freely like water. Abundance and spirit present. Bright promises. The presence of the Holy Spirit is with you. A good time to begin a new project or new relationship as it carries blessing with it.

Each memory washes over me, and instead of feeling like I'm drowning, I'm allowing them to come. They blow through me...waves of pain, but with every breath, I feel them crashing against the shore and floating away with the tide.
One of the memories I have is of "The hands." I wrote the poem below, and after it was finished, I actually felt like I could truly breathe, as if the hands had been suffocating me for so very long. In letting go, there is also a strange sadness that I don't quite understand yet. I feel an ache so tangible that I can almost reach out and touch it. Part of me longs for the numbness to return, and I know how to find it. I spend a lot of energy pushing it away...fighting the eating disorder and fighting to stay present. I want my life back.

The Hands

The Hands

Fire on skin
screaming flesh
crawling filth
The hands
clamped over mouth
eyes focused in the dark
talking silently to myself
praying for forgiveness
lying in shame
The hands
held down
each heavy limb
paralyzed with fear
gasping for breath
The hands
frantic fury
burning with rage
my soul
buried alive
A little girl
hiding inside
forever remembering
The hands

Angela Minard 2010©

Half Life

Half Life

It's been over half of our lives now

a patchwork of years woven together,

stitches of time...

Linen and lace

The cloth threadbare and worn in places

Needles piercing the skin

Tattered hearts

mended with trembling hands

the fabric sewn stronger than before

Denim and velvet

each unraveled square

Dangling strings

knotted and tied

Forever entwined...

Angela Minard 2010©

Rollercoaster

Someone commented on my last blog post and said, "What a rollercoaster ride." I suppose it does seem like I'm up and down a lot, but I'm tired of worrying about when I'm going to be down again. I need to be living in the moment, so that is what I'm going to do. It is nice not to dread getting up in the morning and facing the day. I'm feeling good, and have more energy since I've been eating. That's not a surprise, but the voice of an eating disorder often has other things to say! That voice has been quiet for a week now, and it feels so peaceful in my head. I think the hunger caused me to be more anxious than I realized. Last night I ate dinner with my husband, and he actually thanked me for eating with him. I also didn't realize how my not eating affected my family. It kept me separate and isolated from them, and that is not what I want. My therapist and nutritionist want me to sit at the table with everyone even if I can't eat, and that takes a lot of pressure off me. So far, I've been doing better. Being kind and understanding to myself feels a bit strange, but I think that I can get used to it :)

Learning To Fly

I am on day 7 of doing well with my eating, and I'm not really having many uncomfortable emotions. I'm also feeling pretty good about my body. I only wish that I didn't rely on other's perceptions of what I look like. There are people at work that are always telling me how thin I am, and although I have a hard time comprehending that, I do have to say that it makes me feel good. I would like to believe it for myself though, and I also wish that being thin wasn't so important to me. That is something that I will work on, among other things.
I feel more alive than I've felt in awhile. My therapy helped so much last week, and so did the talk with my nutritionist. She gave me some ideas for small steps that I could make with my meal plan that wouldn't overwhelm me. I'm slowly adding food, and I'm up to eating two protein bars and dinner. I know it's not all that I need, but it is what I feel comfortable with right now.
At my last therapy session, my therapist gave me a pewter stone that says WISDOM on it. She said that she wanted me to listen to the wise voice inside myself, and to let it guide me. I'm trying to slow down the endless chatter in my mind so that I can hear it better. I have decisions and choices to make about how I want to live my life, and I've taken some things off the table. One of those things is wanting to give up and end it all. I've been so down on myself lately...thinking scary thoughts, and in a very dark place, but now I'm feeling the warmth and light. I do have so much to live for, and I'm realizing that I'm not such a horrible person. A horrible thing happened to me, but that doesn't make me broken and unworthy of life and love. Maybe I'm finally learning to fly.

Never Them

I've had a good weekend. Dave and I went out on Friday night, and that was fun, and much needed. I needed to laugh with friends and let loose. I feel like I've been tied in knots for weeks. I've also done really well with food in the past four days, and yes, I'm counting the days. They are important. I ate dinner last night with my family, which hasn't happened a lot lately, and strangely, I haven't felt guilty for the food that I've eaten. I think that I'm finally getting that I must take care of myself in order to feel good about myself. I didn't think that I was going to be able to turn things around. I felt so stuck.
My therapy sessions helped this week. One session was spent talking to my therapists back, but I was able to speak. I couldn't bear to see her eyes for some reason, but the words came spilling out, and it was a relief. The next session was spent sobbing huge, ugly tears, but the world didn't end. The pain didn't rip me apart like I thought it would. I feel a wholeness in myself that I don't think I have ever felt. My therapist talks a lot about taking back my power, and not letting them win, and those words are sinking in now. I want to be the winner in this life. Never them...never them.