Days Like This

I know that there are going to be days like this...days when I feel let down and disappointed, and days when I'm deeply sad. Today I feel out of control with my own emotions, and when that happens, my default is to reach for the eating disorder. I need to distract my mind from what is painful, and I don't know anything else that works as well. I know that I'm supposed to sit with the feelings, but I can't, I just can't today. I'm not going to cry over this or allow myself to be hurt. How many times do I keep trying? I know that if I allow myself one day to give in to the eating disorder, I will allow another, and then another. It is only one day. I will allow myself dinner, and tomorrow will be better. I can make it different. I cannot let other people or circumstances affect my recovery. I do know that I need to guard my heart better than I've been doing. I think if anything, I've learned a lesson. Some things are better left inside.

On My Own

This is one of my favorite songs from the Broadway musical, Les Miserables, sung by Lea Salonga. I just thought I would share:)

On My Own

And now I'm all alone again,
nowhere to turn, no one to go to
without a home, without a friend,
without a face to say hello to
And now the night is near
Now I can make believe he's here

Sometimes I walk alone at night
When everybody else is sleeping
I think of him and then I'm happy
With the company I'm keeping
The city goes to bed
And I can live inside my head

On my own
Pretending he's beside me
All alone
I walk with him till morning
Without him
I feel his arms around me
And when I lose my way I close my eyes
And he has found me

In the rain the pavement shines like silver
All the lights are misty in the river
In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight
And all I see is him and me forever and forever

And I know it's only in my mind
That I'm talking to myself and not to him
And although I know that he is blind
Still I say, there's a way for us

I love him
But when the night is over
He is gone
The river's just a river
Without him
The world around me changes
The trees are bare and everywhere
The streets are full of strangers

I love him
But every day I'm learning
All my life
I've only been pretending
Without me
His world would go on turning
A world that's full of happiness
That I have never known

I love him
I love him
I love him
But only on my own

I Don't Write Poems

I'm confused when you call my e-mails poetry. I don't write poems I try to explain, but all you do is nod your head up and down, with a knowing smile. In the beginning I can barely speak without choking on the words, so you say,"Why don't you write a poem about it?" I sigh with frustration, and once again explain that I don't write poems. "Okay then, journal about it, bring it in, or don't, but you need to write, and you need to trust me." So I write, and you read, sitting across from me in your rolling leather chair with your bifocals perched on the end of your nose. I pace nervously around your small office, or I look at all of the titles of books on your bookshelves. I'm afraid for some reason to look at you, afraid of what you will see if you look at me. This is when I realize that I care very much about what you think of me, and the intensity of my feelings frightens me. I want to please you, and out of that intention comes my first poem, written for you.

"So I give all my secrets away,
to hold like a wish in your hands,
a deep breath...and gone."

It was the first time that you had ever put your arms around me. I felt cared for, which was a comforting relief. I craved and needed the affection from you, and you didn't let me down. I thought that poem would be the first and last, but it wasn't. Who knew? I guess it is starting to look like I write poems.

One Thanksgiving Closer To Recovery

One Thanksgiving Closer To Recovery

I wish that I had taken more of the green beans.
It was some sort of a casserole, and it tasted creamy,
but getting seconds of anything was out of the question
on any day of the year, and this day was not an exception.
I still had my rules to adhere by.
I took a little bit of everything that looked good,
leaving anything that I knew I liked too much.
It made me feel guilty to enjoy food.
No one seemed to pay much attention to my plate,
unlike years before when I was obviously too thin
and needed to eat.
There is a lot that I did with that inside of my head.
Mainly I thought it meant that I must need to lose weight.
"Do you have your appetite back yet?"
my father-in-law asked soon after I had returned from treatment.
If only it were that simple.
I had never really lost it in the first place, but the smaller I became,
the safer I felt. Somehow it made me feel invincible, and I was very skilled
at starving myself, only it never was enough.
Am I recovered enough?
I still had wanted to cry about the plate sitting in front of me.
It's not about the food, it's about the feelings,
my therapist often reminds me.
Maybe next Thanksgiving I will get seconds,
or have some dessert, and maybe, just maybe, I will feel.
Oh, yes...I will feel.

Angela Minard 2010©

Perfectly Purple

I have a thing for the color purple. I especially like to wear it. I think it started in high school with a pair of purple hiking boots. I loved those boots! I have many purple clothing items and accessories. Lets see...there is my purple purse and dangly Spanish hoop earrings with purple beads, and of course my cherished long purple sweater with the white fur trimmed hood, but never a purple coat. I've been on the lookout for years, until one day about two months ago when I saw IT. It was perfect, and warmer than my other coats I justified to my husband who said that I didn't need another coat. Of all places, it was at Sam's Club where I shopped weekly, so I was taunted everytime I went. I was surprised when I would go, and they weren't sold out. I guess not everyone is as passionate about purple as I am. Now Christmas is nearing and my husband asks me what I want this year. HELLO!!! I want that purple coat! Today we went to Sam's Club to buy my son a new hoodie, and there was that beautiful coat hanging on the rack next to the other plain and boring coats. There were 4 of them left, and one in my size, so I slipped it on and it fit perfectly. It was the only one in my size, and when my husband saw me in it, he rolled his eyes with a smile, and agreed that it could be an early Christmas gift, so now I am the proud owner of the most awesome purple coat. That coat makes up for the fact that I absolutely despise winter. I figure it will brighten up all of the grey and gloomy days to come. The next thing to do is to find the perfect yarn to knit the perfect scarf to go with my perfect coat:)

Take A Ride

The slate grey clouds are darker than the twilight sky, and the trees, with both graceful and gnarled branches, stand silhouetted against the dusk of night. The houses whirl by with golden lights appearing in windows, shadows moving behind curtains. The glass is foggy on the inside, so I write my name in cursive, which I've just learned, and then I draw a heart beside it. Pleased with myself, I smile outwardly, and catching a glimpse of my reflection, I make a funny face.

The memory stops there, but I often go back to it. It is simple, and at a time in my life when I didn't have much to worry about. I've always loved car rides, as long as I'm the passenger. The world feels muted and I become mesmerized by the scenery blurring all around me. My mind feels pleasantly, unchemically buzzed, and all that I hear is white noise, tuning everything out. I welcome being outside of my head with it's twists, turns, and constant commotion. I don't find that very often anymore. I scrutinize every move that I make, putting myself beneath my own microscope, and more often than not, falling short of my own expectations. Where did that little girl go? The one who could find humor in her own funny faces. I know that she has to be somewhere inside of me, buried beneath all of the fears and insecurities that have accumulated over the years. She has always been the brave one, and here I am, still running scared. She lived through the terror, holding it inside day after day, and as I grew older, I gave my voice away. Now I've found safe people with whom I can speak my words, and when it all gets to be too much, I can take a ride.

Second Chances

Besides having a cold with a very annoying cough, I'm doing well. Two of my sons celebrated birthdays this week. My youngest turned 14, and my oldest is now 20, so that means I have eaten dessert twice. Cheesecake and french silk pie! Eating anything after I have already eaten dinner is hard for me, but I did it. I admit to wanting to restrict for the rest of the week, but I'm really going to try hard not to. I'm always glad when I can sit at the kitchen table with my family. I miss so much when I don't participate. Last night one of the boys had recorded a conversation that he was having with his brothers, and then played it back to them while we were having dessert. I love hearing their laughter and the interactions they have between each other. It was a good time.
I'm looking forward to Thanksgiving break, and spending time with my family. All of the food during the holiday's really overwhelms me though. At work everyone is bringing food all of the time, and I struggle with eating with people. I also feel pressured to eat, and it looks odd to others when I don't, which makes me feel awkward. I try to avoid all of that, but sometimes I'm stuck in a food situation that I can't get out of. There was a Thanksgiving feast in the kindergarten classroom on Wednesday, and I really wanted to meet the parents, so I went, and I ate. I felt uncomfortable, but I did it, so I'm patting myself on the back. I just need to keep pushing myself, and the next month is going to give me plenty of opportunities to do that. I have several parties in December to attend, and of course they all include eating. It is going to be hard for me not to want to restrict prior to an event, just to make up for what I will eat during the party. I'm always thinking ahead, and even though I don't always seem conscious of it, I'm planning and doling out my calories throughout a day. It is second nature, and a habit that I need to work on breaking. Three years ago my Thanksgiving was spent at Renfrew, which is an inpatient eating disorder facility. It was a very sad time for me, and one that I never want to repeat. I'm thankful for second chances.

Wanting More

Wanting More

Focusing on your mouth as you speak
Forgetting to breathe
Standing and waiting
Wanting to rest my mind
You are right
I will remember every detail
The pen you nervously tap on the desk
with a slight smile that plays across your lips
Your voice is barely more than a whisper
Once in awhile my eyes catch yours
holding onto your gaze for a moment
until you look questioningly at me
I know that you want to know what I'm thinking
"Will it be enough?"
I don't know
I've run out of words for now
and what is left can only be felt
beating inside of my heart

Angela Minard 2010©

The Words Of My Heart

The Words Of My Heart

are invisible scars carved
below the surface
Each sentence
running through my veins
Voicing my pain into the silence
of your mind
As you read, each word
pulses inside of your head
like the throbbing whisper
of all that has gone unsaid
No longer alone
my soul is written on the page
for you to hold on to
and I can now let go

Angela Minard 2010©

Communication

Couples therapy went fairly well I think. I was so anxious during the session though, that I'm not sure that I comprehended all that was said. I kept on feeling myself drifting away, and at one point my therapist had to say, "Angie, eyes on me." I had to force myself to tune in. It wasn't that I felt ganged up on or anything. It's just that we talked about ways in which my past affects my life now, and how it impacts on my lack of communication skills. My husband also isn't the best communicator, so we often tend to be disconnected from each other. I have to be honest in that I'm afraid to change what I'm doing. Our therapists talked about exposure therapy, and that I would have to force myself to ask for what I need. I'm afraid that if I ask, I won't get it, or that I'm asking for too much. I feel like I should be able to handle things on my own without help. The thought of continually asking for help or communicating that I'm struggling actually terrifies me, but I will try. A friend pointed out that I write about my stuggles where everyone can read them, which is true, but somehow voicing them out loud feels totally different. He suggested that I write to Dave or send him an e-mail, which is a really good idea. At least that may be a way for me to get started.

My week has been okay. I'm not getting hit quite as much, so that has been nice. It is much better than last week, so I'm not so nervous about going to work. I'm looking forward to the weekend. We are going to spend some time with friends that we haven't gotten together with in awhile, and Saturday is my youngest sons birthday. He will turn fourteen, which just amazes me. Their childhood years have just flown by. It makes me a bit sad, but proud of who they are becoming. I love the conversations that I have with them, and they are so fun to be around.

Well, that is all for now. I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!

Skipping Meals And Appetite Problems

Although I feel calmer than I have in awhile, I've still been struggling with food. Part of the problem is that I have zero appetite. This morning my husband reminded me to grab a protein bar, and also pointed out that I didn't eat dinner last night. Honestly dinner slipped my mind, because I wasn't at all hungry, and then I fell asleep before everyone else ate. My husband has been great about fixing dinner for everyone because I've been so tired when I get home lately. Those busy little kindergarteners wear me out in the afternoon. It is hard when my appetite doesn't cue me to eat. I know that sticking with a meal plan would help me to stay on track, but the meal plan that my nutritionist would like me to follow seems like too much food to eat, especially every day. I know that is probably a cop out, but I'm so afraid that I will gain weight if I eat that much. I think that I just can't eat as much as everyone else does. I'm not unhappy with my weight the way it is, or at least not terribly unhappy, but I would definitely not like to see it go up! If anyone has some suggestions for me, feel free to leave me a comment. I would like to be able to challenge these thoughts.
I saw my psychiatrist last week, and she gave me a new prescription for my anxiety, and it also is helping me to sleep better. I think it is helping the racing thoughts which tend to wake me up and keep me from sleeping.
Tomorrow Dave and I have a couples therapy session, which I hate. I know that they help, but I hate them just the same. I get so anxious beforehand, and that is probably because I feel like I may get attacked, or like everyone is going to say that I'm in the wrong. I don't like to be called out on behaviors such as not eating, but I understand why I have to be confronted. I always feel like I'm the problem, and that everyone wants to fix me. Ultimately I'm the one who has to want to fix myself, and I do. I tend to dig in my heels when pushed to change. My mom always said that I could be very stubborn:) Anyway...that is all for now. I hope that everyone is having a great start to their week.

A Reason And A Purpose

"If we were our name tags,
If we were our rejections,
If we were our outcomes I'd be joining you.
If we were our indignities,
If we were our successes,
If we were our emotions I'd be joining you."

I often think that all I am is my imperfections, flaws, and limitations. I wonder what is the point of my existence here, and do I make a difference. I have to remind myself that I'm not only my flaws or successes. I am here for a reason and a purpose, although I may never know what that is. We all touch each other, and impact upon this world in different and important ways. I feel tremendous guilt and shame that there have been times and attempts to want to end my life. It is my own self hatred that precipitates these feelings. When you don't love yourself, for whatever reasons, it makes it seem so simple to want to get out. All that I want is to be free of pain. When self medication doesn't work i.e. starving, drinking, self injury, etc..., the idea of ending it all becomes a very powerful force. It is like a deadly cancer that spreads through the body, infecting everything it touches. I had never thought of anorexia as suicidal until my therapist said that I was slowly killing myself. I guess I wanted to believe that it was all about being thin, when in reality it has nothing to do with that. Yes, I've wanted to die, and that is shameful to admit to myself. It is a thought that often crosses my mind. I obsess over ways in which to end it all. I don't like to think of myself as a selfish person, and when those thoughts enter my mind, it is unfortunately easy to forget about how the decision to do so would impact upon others. When I'm in that state, I don't truly believe that I matter or make a difference to anyone. I feel like I'm a burden, and that everyone would be better off without me. I'm often irrational in my thinking...seeing things in either black or white. The shades of grey escape me, and I get lost within the darkness of my own shadows. Where is this post going? I suppose that I want to try to explain suicidal thinking. I don't expect or want anyone to see my side. I know it doesn't make sense to anyone who hasn't been there, but I hope that if you suspect that someone is in that state, you will reach out. You will let that person know that they are not alone, and that they are important. We all need to hear those words. In my case, I tend to isolate myself from everyone. I try to make myself less important. That is my way of crying out for help. Silence is my weapon and my scream to be heard. I know how deceiving and confusing that must be to those closest to me. Look for the signs of suicidal behavior~

•Talking about suicide.
•Looking for ways to die (internet searches for how to commit suicide, looking for guns, pills, etc.) (I tended to hoard my medication so that I would have enough for an overdose.)
•Statements about hopelessness, helplessness, or worthlessness.
•Preoccupation with death.
•Loss of interest in things one cares about.
•Visiting or calling people one cares about.
•Making arrangements; setting one's affairs in order.
•Giving things away, such as prized possessions.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-TALK (8255): Suicide hotline, 24/ 7 free and confidential, nationwide network of crisis centers. http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

A Brighter Day

"I do not want to be afraid.
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in.
I'm tired of feeling so numb.
Relief exists, I find it when I am cut." ~ Tiffany Arbuckle

I have found many different ways to try to inflict pain on myself over the years. If I physically hurt myself, I found that I could numb all of the pain that I felt on the inside. That is a hard habit to break. I still have days of hunger, and days when I want to drink all of the pain away, though they are fewer and farther between. This week has been particularly difficult with the loss of one of my little friends, and I've found that I use those behaviors to cope with my feelings. Work has also been stressful, but I think that we have a new plan that will help with this child's behavior. If this doesn't work, then we will be sending him to a different classroom that has a safe room built in. Myself and other staff members were getting hit entirely too much, and it has not been a safe situation. Working with this child has made me dread getting up to go to work in the morning, and that is never a good feeling. It had me sinking into another depressive episode. Now that I'm going to be getting more help, and not being left to deal with his aggressive behavior by myself, that has taken a big weight off my shoulders. I should have spoken up before things got so out of hand, but I didn't want people to think that I couldn't do my job, or to think less of me. That is a definite problem that I have. I worry too much about what others will think of me, disregarding my own well being in the process. I will be working on this, along with the other issues that I'm dealing with. Eating has been going better for the most part. I slip here and there, but my protein bar and dinner have been pretty consistant. Breakfast is still a no go. I'm not hungry in the morning, so it makes it difficult to eat. I could probably force down a meal replacement drink, but I have to admit that those extra calories cause me a great deal of anxiety. I'm hoping that once everything in my life settles down a bit, I will be able to push myself more. Today feels brighter, and that is a good feeling.

Angel Boy

He had bright red hair, a smattering of freckles across his nose, and a shy, sweet smile. He was five years old, and in the softest voice he would call me Gigi. He was just the cutest little guy that I had been working with this year, and he passed away. He went home from school yesterday, took a nap, and didn't wake up. He had a seizure disorder, and they think that is what caused his death. I'm sick over it, and heartbroken for his family. I cannot even imagine the pain they are going through. I'm glad that I was able to spend some one on one time with him yesterday. I took him to music class, where he sat on the risers squirming while they sang "We're Going On A Bear Hunt." We walked back to class, singing on the way, his tiny hand holding mine. He will be greatly missed.

That I Would Be Good

That I would be good even if I did nothing
That I would be good even if I got the thumbs down
That I would be good if I got and stayed sick
That I would be good even if I gained ten pounds
That I would be fine even if I went bankrupt
That I would be good if I lost my hair and my youth
That I would be great if I was no longer queen
That I would be grand if I was not all knowing

That I would be loved even when I numb myself
That I would be good even when I am overwhelmed
That I would be loved even when I was fuming
That I would be good even if I was clingy

That I would be good even if I lost sanity
That I would be good
whether with or without you

~ Alanis Morissette

So many times I've felt like a failure, and like I give up too easily on myself, and even other people. I feel such a distance between myself and everyone else, and that makes for a very lonely existence. I'm afraid that if anyone gets too close they will see all of my faults, and stop caring about me. I'm guarded, even with my husband...especially him. I keep certain things to myself, like when I have panic attacks or when I dissociate. Those things cause me shame and embarrassment, and I don't want to seem crazy. Even when I have nightmares, I'm afraid to wake him up and seem too needy. I don't think that I'm handling my life very well at the moment. I feel like I'm incompetent at my job because nothing is improving with the child that I'm working with. I don't want to give up, but maybe I will have to, and that makes me angry at myself. I also don't want to let other people down or make them think less of me, so I'm hesitant to say anything to my supervisors. Being unable to stick up for myself doesn't make me feel good either though. I go around and around, and I end up in the same place...nowhere, which is a very empty place to be.