Breaking Free

I'm restless in this journey, hovering somewhere between grief and healing, and impatient to arrive where my destiny lies. Sometimes I feel on the verge of what, I do not know, but I'm filled with a certain excitement, as if I'm standing on the edge of a cliff, ready to fly. The fear makes my heart jump into my throat, and I'm tied in knots.

"Hope is the thing with feathers, that perches in the soul, and sings the tune, without the words, and never stops at all." ~Emily Dickenson

Lately I've been silent on the outside. I don't want to talk about my therapy sessions, though my husband tries to get me to open up. The words get stuck in my throat. We have a couples session today. I know that all he longs for is some insight into what is going on in my head. I don't know how to give him that. Our sessions seem to help, but I think it is more my therapist telling him what is going on, rather than sharing myself. I know that I must try harder, although I'm not sure what holds me back. Maybe somewhere inside of this restlessness, my soul will break free.

Saved By The Angels

Saved By The Angels

Laughing aloud
clasping hands with the angels
the dream felt real
even after opening my eyes
Watching each breath dissipate into the air
shivering beneath thin hospital blankets
My fingers stretch out to touch what remains
and as the laughter fades away
all that is left is a gentle breeze

Angela Minard 2010©

Family Pictures

I thought I would post some family pictures from our Christmas celebration yesterday. It is rare for the boys to allow us to get pictures, let alone pose multiple times!



The boys with their cousins



A family portrait



Grandma and Grandpa Minard with all of the grandkids



Justice and Grandma Minard



Uncle David and Aunt Angie posing with Emily and Barbie

Happy Holidays!

Merry Christmas, and happy holidays to you all!

We've finished opening presents, and now the boys are busy playing their new video games, and listening to their new cd's. They also smell very good from the new cologne. They were always coming into our bathroom to use their dad's :) Later we will go to my mother and father-in-laws to continue the festivities. My husband has been sick with the same stomach bug that I had, so that has been no fun. Last night we were going to go to the Plaza, have dinner, and see the lights, but we have postponed that until next week. At least it won't be so crowded as it would have been on Christmas Eve. My youngest son, Roman, and I baked biscotti on Thursday, and we had so much fun singing along to Dean Martin. He helped me last year also, and I definitely want to continue that tradition. Dave and I also went to a party that night, and I had such a good time. I love to dress up and go out!
This week has been fairly relaxed. I didn't go overboard on baking or shopping. Everything has been kept simple, which cuts down on the amount of anxiety I have. The boys helped a lot with decorating. They have grown up so much, and I do appreciate the extra help. Even though it took me awhile to get into the holiday spirit, it has been a great Christmas, and I'm feeling very blessed. I'm so thankful for all of the love surrounding me.

River

"It's coming on Christmas, their cutting down trees, their putting up reindeer, singing songs of joy and peace. Oh, I wish I had a river I could skate away on."
~ Joni Mitchell

Settling In

I just returned from seeing my nutritionist who insisted on weighing me as soon as I walked through the door. I refused as usual, and she accused me of not letting her do her job. I didn't feel like it was fair because I had a stomach bug over the weekend, so of course I have lost weight. I told her she could weigh me next week, which gives me a chance to get back on track. I saw my therapist yesterday, and she also commented on seeing some weight loss. I honestly don't see much, and I'm still at a normal weight for my height, so it's nothing to worry about. I can get this back under control. Now I have my appointments out of the way for this week, and I can finish doing everything that needs to get done for the holiday's. All that I have left to do is wrap and bake, and of course, clean, which is a never ending job. I'm beginning to enjoy my time away from work now that I'm over being sick. Since I have all of the shopping finished, I feel like I can settle into being at home with my family...that is what Christmas is really about anyway:)

The Yuckies

Getting sick wasn't on my agenda of things to do during winter break, but here I am, parked not too far away from a bathroom, and two full days shot to hell. I'm glad that I was able to get some things finished Saturday, otherwise I would be in panic mode. My husband just went out shopping for some things on the boys lists, and I'm disappointed that I can't go. I'm sure that I'll be recovered enough tomorrow to go out and finish the last of our shopping, and then I will be able to move onto the baking. It is frustrating to be sick when I have so much to do. Today I am just well enough to care, but yesterday, not so much! Being sick is also the perfect excuse for not eating, and though I did try, nothing is staying in. It's not what I needed right now, when I'm already struggling with food. Well, that is enough whining! Everything will get done, and I will just have to put even more effort into fighting the eating disorder. I can do it:)

In The Spirit

Today I did a little shopping, cleaned parts of the house, had the boys help put up and decorate the tree, and hung the stockings. I'm feeling more festive now! Yesterday was my last day of work, so winter break has officially begun, and I'm going to try to make it productive. I've already made some plans for after Christmas with friends, and Thursday we have a holiday party to go to. I think if I keep busy, it won't bother me so much that I will be celebrating Christmas without my parents and brother. I'm looking forward to this week off so that I can finish my shopping and baking. My boys are going to help me bake our traditional Italian cookies, and I'm also hoping to make a trip down to the Country Club Plaza to see the lights. I think I'm feeling nostalgic about the holiday's when my boys were small. It seemed much easier to get in the spirit because they were so excited about everything. I'm getting there, though. I just needed to get my butt in gear:)
I still have my therapies this week. I'm glad my therapist and nutritionist are still in town because I feel especially vulnerable right now. My therapist is like a second mom to me, and I feel like I'm really going to need that connection. I'm back on my meds full strength, and I can tell that they have kicked back in. I want to be proactive during this time of year because it is historically bad for me. I tend to isolate myself, so that is why I've made plans with friends. I also hope that I can get my eating back on track during this break. I'm really going to try to sit down to meals with my family because I haven't been doing that lately. So, those are my plans...Hope everyone's holiday's are going well so far.

Insight

There are pieces of me falling away. I'm raw and exposed, and if you look at me, I may shatter, so I would rather you not look too closely. "It's a long process," you say. Yesterday you read what I have been writing about the flashbacks and some of the dreams that I've been having. You call me insightful, and that is a nice compliment. I do feel like I'm figuring out what place these memories have in my life right now. We talked about how during the rape, I felt disconnected from everything, as if I was watching from a distance, but now my memories are filled with emotions, and actual physical feelings. Those are things that I never allowed myself to feel before. You say that those feelings need to come to the surface before true healing can take place. I understand that, but it doesn't make it any easier to go through. I am getting better about being able to ground myself. The flashbacks don't last as long, and I'm able to remind myself that they are not real, and that I'm safe and in the present. You ask me if I'm telling my husband when I'm struggling, and I don't. I tell you, but I don't want to worry anyone else, and I don't know how he can help me anyway. I think this is something that I have to learn to be able to handle on my own, and at least I'm beginning to feel like I will really get through this.

Going Away

Flashes of being raped. Sometimes I just say here that I have flashbacks, because it sounds gentler than also saying the word rape. No one wants to hear or say that word. It's harsh and ugly, and brings up feelings of shame, which I'm learning to let go of. I say that I'm learning, but does anyone really understand how real those memories are? I can feel the weight, hear my heart, taste the bile, and smell the sharpness of their breath...I'm eleven and I think I may die. I make myself go away, and still, and still, I do. I've had this habit of disappearing ever since. Telling secrets makes a part of you that was lost come back to life. Do you understand being silent for so long? It is like when a part of your body falls asleep, and then begins to wake up...the painful prick of pins and needles. I'm real, and alive, and I'll never make it go away, just like I really can't make myself go away. There is this illusion I have of starving away the pain and making myself so small that the hurt is somehow diminished. The sad part is that at my very sickest and lowest weight, I don't remember what that felt like. Did I hurt less? Was I really as numb as I hoped I was, because if I was, then there is a part of me that longs to go back.

A Rambling Post

Yesterday I wanted to crawl out of my skin. I felt so awful and out of sorts. I could kick myself for being so careless with my medication, because I know that is a majority of the problem. Dave and the boys helped my brother and sister-in-law move all day yesterday, so I had the house to myself. It was quiet, and I was lonely for all of my family. My parents and brother live in Florida, and I miss getting ready for the holiday's with them. I went to the staff party last night, but it was very hard to make myself go. I work with a great classroom of people, but for some reason I was anxious inside. I did manage to eat there, although I hadn't eaten anything else all day. Who cares about my daily intake? I don't even care anymore. I'm not eating much, I don't want to eat. When I get like this, my mind tells me that all I need to do is lose some weight, and I will be happy. Sometimes I feel like the eating disorder makes me fly. Isn't that strange? It gives me a certain high that is addictive in a way. Today is better. I'm empty, and that feels good. I called my therapist yesterday, which I hate to do on the weekend. She wants me to reach out for my family when I get like this, and I almost did, but I couldn't quite make myself. I don't want to be a burden, or make them sad.
I know this post is all over the place. I'm feeling a bit manic, but I also feel like getting some things done. This is my last week of work before the winter break. I haven't done any shopping yet, but plan on doing it while I'm off. I had the boys make lists yesterday. They don't ask for much. All that was on my youngests list was a pair of shoes. It gets harder to buy for them as they get older. The days of toys are over. Well, enough of my rambling. I'm off to hang the stockings:)

P.S. It was so windy last night, and it began to snow while I was driving home from the party. It looked like glitter flying all around, and was so very beautiful. Glitter is my favorite!

In Five Years

I've been listening to the things that people have been doing to get ready for the holiday's...the shopping, baking, decorating, and I've done nothing. I haven't had any energy or holiday cheer, but I plan on finding it, and fast! I waver between determination and apathy at any given moment. Today I'm going to push myself to move forward. On Thursday my nutritionist gave me an assignment to write about where I want to be in five years, and to write it as if I didn't have my eating disorder. To say I'm stuck is putting it mildly. I have no idea. I think all that I can focus on right now is doing what I can to take care of myself for today. I'm going to tell her that I'm not ready for the assignment. Today I took my meds, and I'm going to eat something before I go shopping. Tonight I'm worried about the staff holiday party. It will be hard for me to eat during the day when I know that I will be expected to eat tonight. Five years from now it would be nice not to worry about that! The tree will go up tomorrow, so those are my plans for the weekend. Wishing everyone a beautiful weekend:)

Losing Strength

I had to keep sitting down this morning while I was getting ready for work. I told my therapist last night that I would start eating. I said it with good intentions, but trying feels so hard. Every time I do manage to eat something, I feel dirty and ashamed. I didn't tell her that part because I know it doesn't make any sense...even I know that. I'll do anything to avoid those feelings though. I just want to feel better about myself. Being able to restrict always manages to give me a sense of power. Eating has always equaled failure in my mind, even when I was mostly following a plan. I've always been so ambivalent about recovery. Somehow I always lose the strength to go all the way.

Looking For The Way Back

I don't feel like I have anything to say, but here I am, so maybe there is something on my mind. I'm going to free write, so hang in there:)
Things feel strangely quiet and calm in my head. I'm not eating much, so I'm sure that is the reason. Eating disorder to the rescue. As usual, someone brought food into work, and why is it that people get so offended if you don't eat what they brought? I've always been a people pleaser for the most part, but right now, I could care less. I called my therapist last night and told her that I hadn't been taking my medications. I expect everyone to hate me as much as I sometimes hate myself, but she wasn't angry like I thought she would be. Instead she was very compassionate, which helped my state of mind quite a bit. She said we would figure it all out at our next session, and not to be so hard on myself. She knows me so well. All I've been doing is beating myself up over everything. I wish that I would be harder on myself when it comes to the eating disorder. I allow myself to slip back whenever things get too hard, and too bad it works so well. It seems as if I have lost all of my healthy coping skills. I'm going to keep looking. It's never too late to find my way back to where I need to be.

Derailed

The sentences run circles around my head, and I put them here, my own personal mind dump. I don't know what I would do without the release of words, and without someone to read, and "hear" me. It is not only the writing, but the feeling of knowing that I'm not alone.

I've been struggling since Thanksgiving. I'm up, down, and all over the place. I need to get back on track. I wonder why it is that I continue to derail myself, making the same self destructive choices over and over again. One thing that I've done is that I'm not taking my medications like I should be. Everyday when I take them, I'm reminded of all of the pain. I'm reminded that I will probably always need help. Sometimes I decide to go off my meds because I think that I'm fine without them, and I don't want to be reminded. I've made this mistake numerous times, and it never ends up well, so why don't I ever seem to learn? I lose all rational judgment when I do this, making poor choices across the board, and here I am again, calling myself an idiot. I'm sorry to my family, who always gets hurt when I once again sabotage myself. My therapist will not be happy. I wonder when she will get fed up, when everyone will get fed up, and say that enough is enough? When will everyone get tired of my tests to see who will stick around? It really needs to stop. I know that I'm loved and cared for. I don't need to keep doing this. I don't want to end up back in the hospital this winter. I don't think my family can take another round. I want this year to be different, and only I can make it happen. I will stand back up on my own two feet, take a deep breath, and find the strength to forgive myself. I only hope that everyone else will be able to forgive me, yet again.

Magical Rainbows

I have a star prism that hangs from the rearview mirror of my car that my mom gave me when I was in Florida. I love the way when the sun is shining, tiny rainbows dance around my car. It is magical, and the small kaleidoscopes of color make me smile. It really is the little things in life that create happiness.

Today is better than the sadness I was feeling earlier in the week. Sometimes I don't think that I'm strong enough to deal with painful feelings, but then when I've made it through, I realize that I do have the strength inside of me. I worked through some of those feelings last night during my therapy session. I had a very disturbing dream the other night, and I cannot even make myself explain what it was about. It was too ugly to put into words. I told my therapist what it was about, but I couldn't go into details without crying. She helped me to make sense of it though, and her insight was very helpful. I just wish that I didn't dream such horrible things so often. Food has also been better today. I even had a chicken snack wrap from McDonald's. Fast food generally scares me, but I felt like it was the safest thing on the menu. Today I see my nutritionist, who I haven't seen in a month. I have a lot to tell her. I think she will be pleased with how I've been doing for the most part. I made it through Thanksgiving, challenged myself with some new foods, and although I skip meals here and there, I think that I've done fairly well. Now if I could only keep the sun shining, so I could always see the rainbow:)