My Anger



I went to see my therapist yesterday.
We talked about anger.
Specifically, we talked about how
afraid I am of my anger.
She is right.
The intensity of my anger scares me
more than almost anything else.


I have been having the most vivid
and violent dreams lately.
In the dreams, I brutally stab
my rapists to death.
During the dream, it feels so good
to stab and slash.
Their blood feels like a cleansing rain.
I feel powerful.
I feel joyful.
Then, I awaken,
and all that I can feel
is shame and disgust.
Again...

So, I turn my anger inward.
I try to bury it and ignore
that it exists.
I try not to exist.
I starve.
I want to take back my power,
but...
I am afraid.

Comments

dyingtodance said…
I just wanted to say that your not the only one that has thoughts like this. I have numerous times and it does scare me. I think Ive come to accept that being angry especially towards people that have hurt you is ok. Hope everythings going well
Saturday, September 08, 2007
Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Certain

Image
Certain The moon follows you at night when you are a child Oh yes, it does of that I'm certain And the stuffed animals with their neon colored synthetic fur they talk to each other when you close the bedroom door Oh yes, they do of that I'm certain And you can hear the angels whisper and the jingle of sleigh bells on Christmas Eve And dandelion seeds are tiny ballet dancers twirling in the wind The fairies hide beneath the willows And if you lie in confession with your fingers crossed you won't go to hell And with the moon behind you are always safe when you are a child Oh yes, you are of that I'm certain Angela Minard2009©
Read more

Just Snap Out Of It

Image
The weather here is still dreary, drizzly, and cold. I sit here as I type, wishing for fingerless gloves. Yes, I would wear them:) I'm still struggling with the depression, but reaching out for help. My psychiatrist raised my medication dose, so hopefully that will help. Eating and more nutrition would also help my mood, and yesterday I did better than usual, but today it was back to restricting. The full feeling is hard for me to sit with, even though I know that it will pass if I give it time. I just didn't want to go through that today. My nutritionist weighed me on Wednesday, and I've lost weight, although she wouldn't tell me how much. That is fine. I already knew I had lost, and though the eating disorder is thrilled by this, there is another part of me that is afraid. I'm afraid that I won't find my way out of this, ever. I'm afraid that I will always be ruled by weights and numbers, food and calories, the mirror and my distorted mind. I'm really ...
Read more

Combat

Image
I’m sadly detached, as if I’m watching myself through a window. Everything is dreamlike and surreal, with the world spinning in slow motion, and yet I can’t seem to reach myself. I was hoping that some of the depression would lift. I don’t feel as hopeless, but I’m still feeling sad and despondent. I can’t pinpoint a reason as to why I’m feeling this way which is so frustrating, because I would fix it if I could. I’m glad to be at work, I’m slowly increasing my food intake, I’m going to all of my therapies, taking my medications, and going to the addiction recovery meetings. I’m doing what I can to take care of myself, but still this sadness hangs over me. I’m so tired of feeling this way. I’m hoping that the warmth and sunshine of spring will pull me out of this darkness. I always seem to lose hope in the midst of winter, so maybe the grey, dreary days wear me down, making me more susceptible to depression. I just don’t want to go through another winter like this. I need to find a way...
Read more