Losing Strength
I had to keep sitting down this morning while I was getting ready for work. I told my therapist last night that I would start eating. I said it with good intentions, but trying feels so hard. Every time I do manage to eat something, I feel dirty and ashamed. I didn't tell her that part because I know it doesn't make any sense...even I know that. I'll do anything to avoid those feelings though. I just want to feel better about myself. Being able to restrict always manages to give me a sense of power. Eating has always equaled failure in my mind, even when I was mostly following a plan. I've always been so ambivalent about recovery. Somehow I always lose the strength to go all the way.
Comments
as i always tell you, you have been thru way too much. of course, your past manifests itself in your feelings and behaviors.
i hope you will tell this to your T.
i'm sorry this is all soo painfully hard. hang in there, angela. it truly can get better, even though it is, indeed, a long process
Recovery is so hard. Sending you love.
xoxo
-Lisa
Just a thought. I am sorry that you are struggling again with this.
You can do it if you recognize it. Once, I recognized my triggers and sought help I made it and so can you!
Perhaps if you could find something to do or think about besides thinking about your gains or losses...well, that might help too....just try getting out of your own head for a while...get a camera...decorate for Christmas...anything to help you stop dwelling on this all the time!
Hang in there!