Once Upon A Time

I had therapy yesterday and it was intense. I had a bit of a panic attack on the way there. I was driving, and for some reason I was really scared that someone was going to hit me. I think that I was anxious about my session, and by the time I arrived I was shaking. My therapist took one look at me when I walked in and I almost burst into tears. She immediately grabbed my hands, reminding me that I was safe. As soon as I was able to get my breath back and had calmed down, I was actually able to talk to her. I wanted to tell her about the rape, and something that I was feeling at the time. I could hardly get the words out, and the compassion in her eyes felt like something that I didn't deserve. I had to look away, the words spilling out suddenly. She explained that perpetrators will tell their victims that they liked it, and the victim, especially a child, is so confused that they believe. "It was an act of violence, and you were hurt and afraid." "You didn't like it," she said. I covered my face, my eyes stinging, but still the tears would not come. I ache inside. I ache for me. I ache for the child that I was. Sometimes I forget that I was a child. The memories are so close to the surface, and it feels like now. It is not now. It was a long time ago, but I have to remind myself. It was a long time ago.