Fighting with Bullies

It has been a long week, and I'm tired. Mostly, I'm tired of fighting the war in my head...the war with ghosts, and food, and fear. The day to day stuff of life is hard to deal with when my head is already so full.
My #3 son was bullied after school today. My son is in the 8th grade, and a 9th grader that he doesn't even know started throwing rocks at him. My son asked him to stop, and when he wouldn't, I guess a scuffle ensued, and my son came home with a scraped up face. I will be calling the principle if this continues, but my husband wants to wait and see if it resolves itself, so for now, we won't be stepping in. I was so angry when I saw his face though, let me tell you! Tomorrow is his birthday. He's my Halloween baby.
It always feels like it's something around here, but with four boys, I guess, what can I expect? I can never say that life is dull:-)
Work is exhausting, as usual, but I do love it, and it's rewarding. I need a lot of breaks from it though. It is good that we have long holiday breaks, and summer off, because I need those times to recharge my batteries.
I'm anticipating my husband's neurology appointment which is on Tuesday, and that in itself is wearing on me. It had better not get postponed again or I will be furious! All in all, I guess I'm feeling overwhelmed with just about everything.
There is a good side to all of this. I'm getting through each day, and I can honestly say that I'm not depressed. I don't want to stay in bed and give up. I'm not lethargic and hopeless. I've been there, so I definitely know the difference. I just keep telling myself that I can handle whatever comes my way, and that I have so much help and support. I'm not going through any of this alone, and I'm very blessed by all that I have.
Wishing everyone a wonderful weekend and a Happy Halloween!

Body Memories And Flashbacks

Yesterday was not a good day. Work was horrible. The student that I'm working with decided to target me with all of his aggression, and he threw a huge screaming tantrum that literally lasted for two hours, and during this time I was bit. I also had therapy last night, it was an emotional session, and I ended up drinking. We were talking about my fears about Dave, but then I brought up the subject of intercourse, and how that part of making love is so hard for me. It is physically painful and almost always triggers rape memories and flashbacks. Later that night, I came home, and I hadn't eaten all day. I ate some meatballs, and then felt so overwhelmingly horrible and disgusted with myself that I ended up purging, which I haven't done in quite awhile. The drinking was not a good idea at all, and I know this, but I continue to make bad choices when it comes to that. I stayed upstairs in my room, and in my mind, I couldn't stop having flashing memories of the rape. I called my therapist, because I felt like I was physically disconnecting from my body. The body memories are so painful and terrifying, and I ended up dissociating while I was on the phone with her. I don't remember anything after that until I came out of it and found myself sitting in the bathtub fully clothed. Dave was sitting with me, and he helped me to change clothes. I slept fitfully last night, and now I'm just exhausted at work today. I feel like I'm on shaky ground. I also have to give a presentation at work. Of all the days to have to do that! I talked with my therapist this morning, and she suggested that I make an appointment with another therapist in her group who deals more with sexual trauma and dissociation, so I did call him, and hopefully he can get me in soon. I hate this. I think things are improving, and that I'm healing from the past, and then an episode like this happens, and I just feel so bad about myself. I'm tired.

Waiting

I feel like I'm waiting for the storm to hit. I thought that the waiting and anticipation would be over by this time today, but no such luck. Dave's neurology appointment that was scheduled today had to be rescheduled for next week because his surgeon had an emergency surgery to perform. We found out yesterday, and I was so disappointed. It is so nerve wracking having to wait, and my anxiety is really high. I know that I shouldn't think the worst, but that is always what I have tended to do. I'm afraid of the disappointment, and I figure that if I think of the worst scenario and I don't get my hopes up, then it won't hurt so much if I get bad news. I'm ready to know what we are dealing with, so that we can move on, move forward, and make plans. It is hard. We know that the tumor is growing, thankfully slowly, but it is growing, and because it is touching the brain stem, it cannot at this point be totally removed. He has already gone through two surgeries, and now we don't know what are next options are. I just want to know in what direction we are going. We were supposed to hear from our surgeon about a second opinion that he was going to get from another doctor, but we never heard back from him about it. It is so frustrating! So now, next Tuesday is his appointment, and I can hardly wait. I'm taking off work so that I can be there to ask questions, and to be another pair of ears for Dave. I can only imagine how overwhelming all of this is for him. I want to be able to give him support and strength through all of this. We have been through so much together. Whatever it takes to keep him here with us is what we will do. I'm determined to get some answers!

Closure

Closure

The words trip and stumble
into the silence of the past.
Reaching, they slip
from my grasp.
I strain to hear
the voice of a child,
lost in the far away fear.
Wrapped in the darkness
she calls to me for comfort,
finally finding peace
in the safety of my arms.
Together we find forgiveness.

Angela Minard 2009©

Setting Goals

It has been a wet and cool autumn so far, here in Kansas.

I'm off of work for a nice long weekend, and the break from school, and autism feels nice. Yesterday the house was filled with the smell of freshly baked apple crisp, and all of my boys were home, and thrilled to be eating it. It is one of the things that they often ask me to make for them. I loved spending the day with them, and being home with my husband. Today, I do have to work from home for a bit. I'm preparing a presentation at work on something called "The Theory Of Mind," which is a term used for individuals who have a difficult time being empathetic or putting themselves in someone else's shoes. People with autism often have difficulties with this aspect of socialization. I've been procrastinating all month, so now I really need to finish it this weekend. Work has really been good lately. The student that I'm working with has shown some major improvements, and I also received an awesome evaluation from my supervisor. She said that I showed lots of expertise, insight, and initiative. Reading those words made me feel so good. I worry so much about my performance at work, and how others perceive me. I will take all of the self esteem building I can get!

Therapy this week felt overwhelming. We talked about the rape dream, and how I couldn't fight back. At other times when I've had this dream, I could fight them off, so we talked about why this time was different, and my therapist said, "It is because you are starving yourself." That shocked me, and also the word "starve" felt so harsh, although I know that is what I'm doing. It made sense to me, and made me aware of how much power I take away from myself when I allow the eating disorder to take over my life. I need to eat... something so basic, but it needs to happen. My assignment for yesterday was to eat three times, even if they were only snack sized portions. I realized that I like having a goal, but that the eating disorder is what usually sets my goals, so it was nice to have someone else set the goal for me, and I did it. I ate three times. That is something that I haven't done since school started. I had a yogurt in the morning, an apple in the afternoon, and a few bites of apple crisp, and three jalapeno poppers in the evening. I know it still isn't a lot of food, but if it starts to get me out of the habit of totally skipping meals, that would be a huge thing for me. I'm also off to a good start for today, with breakfast already covered. Wish me luck, and wishing everyone a wonderful autumn weekend!

Autumn Departs

Autumn Departs

Warm autumn breeze

blows the leaves

from the trees.

Dancing Fire

Twist and Tease

Until October leaves.

Angela Minard 2009©

FaT TaLk

Ahhhh, how often does fat talk play into our daily conversations? We talk about it with friends, co-worker's, and family members. There is always someone on a diet, someone talking about how they shouldn't eat this or that, someone complaining about how much they despise certain parts of their bodies. I do it, you do it, we all have done it at one time or another. It amazes me how often talk turns to weight, and how often others will make hurtful comments about someone else's weight. Too fat or too thin.
I was around seven or eight when I began to worry about my weight. My aunts and grandmother were heavy, and constantly struggling with their weight. My mom was never happy with her body. I heard her often complaining about her calfs, her hips, her stomach. I took it all in, and when puberty hit, and my body seemed to betray me, I was horrified. I was somehow less than, but too much. It was such a contradiction, so of course, I was confused, and the confusion turned into self loathing, and ultimately into self destruction. I desperately wanted thin, because in my mind, thin meant good enough. Thin meant happy. Thin also meant denying that I had wants and needs. Denying my own hunger. So I went on diets, and off diets, and eventually into starvation mode, and what did I hear when I lost weight? Well of course, "You look great." "How do you do it?" "You are lucky to be so tiny." All of those comments reinforcing the idea that thin was perfect, and I wanted so much to be perfect. I know now that there is no such thing, and that it was always an unobtainable dream. I always wonder how my eating disorder would have impacted a daughter had I had one. What pressure this society puts on little girls and women to have the perfect body. I had to stop buying fashion magazines, which at one time was an addiction of mine, because I compared myself to those models, and could never measure up. We need to stop the fat talk, which gets me to Fat Talk Free Week,which is Oct 19th-23rd. It is an international, 5-day body activism campaign that draws attention to body image issues and the damaging impact of the thin ideal on women in society. This annual public awareness effort was borne from Tri Delta’s award-winning body image education and eating disorders prevention program, Reflections: Body Image Program™. I encourage you to stop the fat talk. I know that I'm going to try!

Fighting For Now

I just had a pretty good sized bowl of chili for dinner. It was all that I could manage to allow myself for today, but that is okay. I sat down with my family, and Dave is home, so it was all good, and I enjoyed it.
I don't really have much to say. I felt like writing here though, and maybe I'm hoping to sort through some thoughts that are swirling about. I had a rough night last night, and wasn't even able to write about it earlier. I had horrible nightmares all night, and finally went ahead and got up around 4:30 a.m. They were dreams about the rape, and feeling like I couldn't fight back. I could feel their hands everywhere, but could not move a muscle. It was horrifying. When I got up, I immediately got into the bathtub, which is a dangerous thing for me to do because I tend to dissociate when I do that, but I just had to get the feel of them off of me. Dave wasn't home yet, and I was feeling shaky, so I called my step dad and my mom, and tried to connect with everyone that I love. I feel like I really took care of myself today, doing everything healthy that I could do to distract myself from the pain. I took the boys to see Where The Wild Things Are, and that was also a sweet distraction. I am proud of myself for staying in the here and now, for not dissociating, and not numbing out with alcohol. I did use the eating disorder, I suppose, but that is par for the course lately, and I did manage to eat dinner, so all in all, it was a good day. I may not have been able to fight back in my dreams, but I'm fighting now.

Andy Warhol, IHOP, and Not Eating Much

I'm awake at the crack of dawn, when I could be sleeping in. I just don't sleep well without Dave in bed next to me. He will be getting home sometime this afternoon though, and tomorrow morning I won't want to drag my sorry ass out of bed! I really kept myself busy this weekend, and it turned out to be a very good weekend. I went out for happy hour on Friday with some friends, and found myself eating breakfast at IHOP at 3:00 a.m. on Saturday morning. It was a fun evening. I haven't stayed out partying that late in a very long time. On Saturday afternoon, I went with a friend to see the Andy Warhol exhibit, and then we went shopping. I bought some new yarn for scarf knitting, and started working on a scarf for my friend last night. It is soft and fuzzy, and I already love how it is turning out.

I know that this post is probably a boring breakdown of my weekend, but I'm glad that I had things to do instead of sitting around and stewing in my own mind. I haven't done so well with food this weekend though, and I'm not quite sure why. Maybe it is just because Dave is out of town, and eating feels like a chore. I've lost a bit more weight, and two pair of those jeans that have been taunting me in my closet finally fit again. I'm happy about that because I wanted to fit into my clothes again, and they aren't my really sick jeans, so I feel like it is okay. The eating disorder would love for me to lose more weight, but I don't feel like I have to listen to that. I'm more comfortable in my body than I have been in awhile, and while I want to get back on track with my eating, I am finding it very difficult. I'm in a bad pattern of skipping breakfast and lunch, and then eating a small amount of dinner, or just some chips and salsa. I'm glad that I'm writing that here, because it makes me take a closer look at what I'm actually eating, which is not much. In fact, I think right now I'm going to go and fix myself a bowl of oatmeal. I might as well start now if I'm going to get myself back on the right path.

Out Of The Darkness

I'm feeling a bit lost without my husband nearby. He is off on his annual golf trip with his college buddies, and I really miss him. It is hard for me to get a good night's sleep. I know how important this trip is to him though. He is on full disability, so he is home all of the time, and I'm sure that getting away with his friends helps him to forget about everything for awhile. We are nearing the time for his MRI and neurology appointment. It is less than two weeks away, and I cannot wait! I'm so tired of the fear. I just want to know what we are dealing with, our treatment options, and what we need to do to be proactive. We are talking about going to The Mayo Clinic. I guess that all depends on what we hear at his appointment. Right now, I think that we both feel helpless because we don't have a plan of action. We know that the tumor is growing again, but because it is growing slowly, we haven't been told what we can do yet, and that is really frustrating. I didn't go to Dave's last appointment, so I didn't get to ask questions. This time, I'm going, and believe me, I WILL be asking questions!
So, while Dave is away, I've made some plans to hang out with friends and keep myself busy this weekend. Tonight I'm meeting friends for happy hour, and then tomorrow I'm spending the day with my best friend that I've known since 7th grade. We are going to check out the Andy Warhol exhibit at Union Station. I'm also supposed to meet some friends Saturday night to hear this band called Cherry Bomb play. I'll just be the gal about town:)
I have to say that I'm feeling pretty good. In many ways, things about my eating disorder have changed, so I'm taking note: It used to make me feel more in control, but now when I use those behaviors, I actually feel more anxious and out of control. I fear the behaviors and what I'm doing to my body. I care now, and that is a big difference. That in itself feels like such a HUGE thing. Wow, I'm beginning to care about myself. Maybe in some ways, this relapse has been a blessing in disguise. I want to believe that once again, I'm moving out of the darkness.

Working Hard

I often find myself clenching my teeth together throughout the day, and my jaws have been aching. I think it is mostly from stress and anxiety at work. My days seem to be getting better though. The student that I'm working with has shown some mild improvements, so hopefully the positive behavior supports are starting to work. He still wears me out! I had a nice compliment from a co-worker today. She said that she was impressed by how patient I am, and that made me feel really good because he is trying to wear me down, and I don't always feel so patient. It helps that I have been trying to eat more. I don't feel as depressed and hopeless as I was feeling a few weeks ago. I saw my psychiatrist yesterday, and I'm back on all of my medications, so I'm sure that will also help with the depression and anxiety. I think that there is a part of me that is so scared to get better and let go of the eating disorder. What if I can't cope without it is what I think to myself. It's been my safety net for so long. I'm also constantly worried about losing my husband. He is my most important safe place, and I rely on him for so many things. I feel like the eating disorder is a shield from all of that pain. I know that I need to find other ways to cope. The problem is that I know that the ED works. My therapist is always telling me that it is a choice, and that I can always choose to go back to it if I feel like other coping skills aren't working. I'm sure that her theory is that once I actually find other coping skills, I won't need the ED anymore. I'm going to work on treating myself with more kindness. I tend to tell myself that I don't deserve to take care of myself, and that I don't even deserve to live. I try to avoid the very fact that this eating disorder is a slow form of suicide, but it is, and I honestly don't want to die and leave all of the people that I love. Of course, I can also beat myself up over how selfish I am. At times my self loathing feels like a vicious cycle, and I can easily get defeated.

I'm working on it. I'm working hard.

Hearts And Spades

Hearts And Spades

Solitaire makes me sad.
The cards flip before my eyes
and the numbers blur.
Meaningless release.
I can't play.
I watch from a distance
so far.
I can never reach beyond
the hearts and spades.

Angela Minard 2009©

LOVE

Moving Forward

I'm sick and whiny today. I have a sore throat, fever, and body aches. I was sent home from work early yesterday, and I can't believe that I'm sick over the weekend. I'm hoping this is just a little cold, and not H1N1. We had a boy in our class that was sent home with it, so I have been exposed. Other than getting sick, my week hasn't been too bad. I did have a scary incident with one of my students though. We went on a community based outing to a local restaurant for breakfast, and while we were sitting and waiting for our order, he knocked over three water glasses, which broke, and then he tried to put a piece of the broken glass in his mouth, which I luckily was able to get away from him. We immediately took him back to the bus, and he missed out on the pancakes that he really wanted. It was quite the outing!

On the recovery front, I think that I'm doing better. I'm slowly increasing my food intake, and it seems to get easier the more that I do it. I feel better about my body since I have lost weight, but I don't feel too obsessed about losing more. I know that the eating disorder isn't about the weight, but in my mind, it certainly feels like it. I ate pizza with the boys last night, and I know how important it is to share meals with them. It helps to keep me connected.

I had therapy this week, and my therapist and psychiatrist were very upset with me. My psychiatrist actually discharged me as a patient because I skipped two follow up visits. My therapist was angry that I had lied to her about taking my meds, and said that if I did it again, she would also discharge me. My therapist did get my psychiatrist to take me back though, which is really good because I dreaded having to go over my entire history with someone new. I promise from now on to be the best little patient ever! I'm back on all of my meds, and will really stop making excuses for not taking them. Mostly it is because they are so expensive, but my psychiatrist said that she would be happy to give me samples when we are short of money. I feel especially bad about lying to my therapist. Our relationship is based on trust, which I have broken more than once, and she said that she was really very hurt. I forget sometimes how my actions impact others, and feel very selfish about that. I have a great treatment team, and do not want to lose them. At least I do feel like I am getting back on track with my recovery, and that I'm finally moving forward.

On My Way

This is just a quick post, but I wanted to thank everyone for their support and suggestions. I feel like I've been doing better since last week. I've increased my food intake some, and even ate chili at a friends house over the weekend. It was uncomfortable, but I did it anyway. I can't believe how loud the eating disorder is, and how quickly it seemed to sneak up on me. Right here in this moment, I feel determined to beat this, and more positive than I have been in a while.

Finding A Way

This week has been exhausting, which is why I've been missing. I thought that I would get a break at work since the aggressive student was moved to a new placement, but then at the last minute, we received a new student, equally as challenging. He just moved out of a residential treatment facility, and although smaller, and not as strong, still aggressive. He has been keeping me on my toes all week. I know that I need to keep my strength up, and I know that I need to eat, but my anxiety over food has been through the roof. I almost passed out in the shower on Wednesday, and I've been getting dizzy and lightheaded a lot, so I need to turn this around. This is not what I want. Since that happened, I've been trying to eat. My nutritionist made me a modified meal plan to work from. It isn't up to the calories that I should be eating, but it is a start in the right direction. I also have to call her voice mail after every meal, and let her know what I've eaten. Yesterday I didn't even come close to eating what was on the plan, but today has been better. I've managed a yogurt and half of a turkey sandwich so far. It is hard to eat when I have no appetite, and nothing sounds good, but I just have to force myself right now. The sandwich this afternoon was really hard, and I also felt so angry at myself that I have once again gotten to this point. Anyway...I don't know if I can do this, but I do know that I'm tired of living this way. I have to find a way to believe that I deserve more, no matter what the eating disorder would have me believe. I have to find a way.