Here and Now

I am noticing that I’ve been heading in the direction of validating myself more often which has increased my confidence. This seems somewhat strange, because my belief was that the more outside validation I collected, the more confident I would become. What a colossal mind fuck!   

  I don’t write here much anymore, but I’m grateful for this space to be myself.  Looking back at this blog is like observing the process of growing up. I think I read somewhere that our emotional growth is stunted at the age that the trauma or traumas occurred, and I feel like when I began this blog in my early 40’s I was emotionally in the stage of adolescence. I was self absorbed, angry, confused, and scared most of the time.  I began therapy in a state of complete denial. I was resistant to help or change, and yet there was this deeply buried sense of self love that I longed to find again. I believe we all begin our lives knowing our worth, but it is fragile and can easily be dismantled. Therapy was my first lifeline, along with people who stuck with me even when I was a royal pain in the ass! Sometimes growing up also means reconnecting to the child inside who forgot how to play and be light. Life is so fucking hard, but now I’m not the one making it difficult. I hav...

I’m weary of being on display for others to assess inside these walls of my home as well as when I am brave enough to cast shadows along the sidewalks to be vulnerable within a community  in which at times I feel like an unwanted outsider my heart often beating wildly outside of my chest as if wanting to escape the cage of my ribs and yet there is a steely determination  to bring YOU even for a brief moment  into my world a desire to speak my truth  even if it causes myself  and everyone around me discomfort My shadows are your shadows if only you could have enough courage to see  the mirror of my suffering to meet my unwavering gaze  Dare yourself not to look away! That.is.what.it.means. To grow together in love Angela Minard 2021©

  I’m resting in the warmth of a late April morning that feels more like summer. Although I’m trying to be still, my mind dances with a partner I haven’t twirled with in such a long time. My eyes watch a small black spider moving robotically against the basement window, mesmerized by its sky blue markings that flash with the movement of sunlight being released from drifting clouds. I feel each jerking motion twitching though my own limbs as if we were one being; connected by earth and firmament. The wind is a roaring voice enveloping each thought spinning it around in my mind,  and as my eyelids grow heavy the thoughts change colors azure to emerald fading into the brilliance of iridescent pearls... Angela Minard 2021©

  Slipping from the edge of a dream into languid consciousness the heavy hands of apprehension press insistently  weight bearing fear from sternum to pelvis  cemented limbs pulsing with a remembrance of familiar terror plunging into a waking abyss light body separating into the ethers  a hovering awareness  transmuted peace iridescent in its brilliance... Angela Minard 2021©  Photography by Josephine Cardin “Know then that the body is merely a garment. Go seek the wearer, not the cloak.”~ Rumi

I still have that picture of you sitting on the school bus  I remember and know your face as well as I know my own That far away look in your mossy green eyes Only we know where we are and where we have been The straight line of your mouth chin close to quivering and the freckles that dance along the bridge of your delicately shaped nose We both know only too well how to distance ourselves from pain how to find another self to slip into like trying on a fancy new dress... still an old soul I can still hear your voice and your cool hand in mine When you run from the core of who you truly are please don’t run too far... Angela Minard 2021©  

  Dreaming in watercolor stained glass images crystal clear mirage  the aspects of human nature bleed my heart  seeping into the fluidity of my soul blurring the lines of what it is to be authentic  are you a lie posing as a teacher? ask yourself, not your ego are you compassion and grace? are you the mirror of truth or falsifying your name? Can you see beyond the shining colors to the depths of human suffering? Can you offer a warm hand  or a cold heart? What will you choose? Angela Minard 2021© Watercolor Lotus Flower by Libby May