A Liar's Lament

A Liar's Lament

I've never been able to read your writing,
but in my hands I hold your regret
Fingertips touching sorrow
for what you have lost
I believe that you are sorry
only for yourself
I remember standing on your toes
and looking up.
It was only a moment
lost in time, and so very far away
Trust and believing has faded into
a numbing nothingness
I've waited and still
when it comes to you
I have no voice
My words are everything to me
All that cannot be stolen
or changed to fit your perceptions
of who I should be
You have been lost in my silence
and like a scream that dissipates
into the cold night air,
you finally disappear

Angela Minard 2009©

A Birthday Post

Today is my birthday, and I just wanted to say how grateful I am to be alive and loved by so many people. I am truly blessed. Today my co-workers brought in a cake, and everyone there is so sweet, even though I have only known them for a couple of weeks. The group of kids that we work with can put a lot of stress on everyone, so it is nice to be able to get along well with each other.
My parents gave me a very generous birthday gift, so now we have a little breathing room when it comes to money. Dave's family has also helped us out recently. I don't know what I would do without my family. My only wish is that they lived closer so that we could spend more time together. This weekend Dave and I are going to have a night out, and then friends are coming over on Saturday. I'm looking forward to some good times! I'm also looking forward to the end of this work week. It sure has been long!

Wishing everyone a happy weekend:)

Happy Wednesday

This is just a short post before I start my day. Work yesterday was much better. Today I will be working with a new student, so we will see how that goes. He has some aggressive behavior such as hitting, kicking, biting, and throwing things, so I need to be prepared and on guard for those things. I'm a little nervous because he isn't familiar with me at all, and I'm not familiar with him either. I will just be flying by the seat of my pants!
I've really been struggling with food, and restricting so much. I know that it is becoming a problem. The stress of work leaves me with very little appetite. I did bring a power bar to work with me today though. That will be the first time I have taken something to work. I haven't been eating at all during the day, and skipping breakfast because there seems to be no time in the morning to fit it in. All excuses I know. I'm well aware that I should be making better choices for my health. I need all of the energy that I can get for this job, and my family and the kids that I work with deserve to have the best me possible. I deserve it too:) I'm definitely going to work on this. I'm still exercising in the mornings, and that makes me feel good. Today I have therapy, with much to talk about. My dad sent me a letter. I'm sure it is concerning the rape that he just found out about. I'm so anxious and nervous to open it. I'm going to take it to therapy and read it there. Hopefully after this he will stop contacting me. I really need closure, and although I forgive his mistakes, I need for him to be out of my life. Anyway...so much for a short post! Hope everyone has a great day:)

Unrest

I should be in bed sleeping right now. My body is tired, but my mind is unable to rest. It was a rough afternoon at work with students. I keep replaying the days events in my mind, and wondering in what ways we can make it better. The staff in our classroom is so wonderful and caring, but we are all still getting to know the kids, and there are definitely some challenging behaviors that we are having to deal with. Everyone has their own opinions and ideas, and unfortunately we don't have the time to discuss these in the middle of a child's meltdown. Last week seems to have been the honeymoon period in our classroom, and now all hell is breaking loose;-) I'm glad that I was able to get so much rest this weekend. It is looking like I will need it this week. By the way, I love my job and I'm lucky to have a job, so I'm not complaining at all. I only worry when it feels like we are failing to recognize a child's needs. We just have to learn what those needs are, and I guess I'm not very patient! Here's to the hope that we will learn more tomorrow.

Rejuvenation

Yesterday, I literally slept all day long. I hate wasting a weekend day like that, but I couldn't seem to keep my eyes open. Today I'm feeling much better. I'm still a bit lazy, but emotionally, I'm feeling less fragile. I'm getting some laundry done, but other than that, I really don't feel like doing much. I have a new book to read called Look Me In The Eye, My Life With Asperger's, by John Elder Robison, so that is how I plan on spending the rest of my afternoon.
I talked with my mom on the phone this morning. My dad is trying to get an anullment from her so that he can get remarried in the Catholic church. She called him today, and basically tore into him. He has done so much to hurt my brother and I, and I can no longer have anything to do with him. There is just too much pain. She asked me if she could tell him about the rape. I could never find the courage to tell him for some reason, even though it was because of his neglect that it happened in the first place. I told her that she could tell him, and even though it does nothing to change things, I feel a sense of relief that he knows. I can let go of the anger toward him, and I can forgive, but I can't let him back into my life. I'm finished with being hurt by him, and I've run out of trust. I have been blessed with a wonderful step dad, and he more than makes up for my terrible biological father. In small ways, I'm beginning to let go, and this was one more thing to let go of.

Well, I'm off to enjoy the rest of my weekend. Hope that everyone is having a good one:)

The Dark Side Of A Butterfly

I'm having a rough day.

Every time I get my period, it reminds me of the rape, and cleaning up the blood afterwards. It was the first time that I had ever bled like that, and I realize now, that I must have been in shock. I know that many rape victims shower or bathe after the attack, but I remember feeling too terrified to stay in the apartment, so I put on a bathing suit and t-shirt, carried the bloody sheets out to the dumpster, and then I got into the apartment swimming pool and swam back and forth across the length of the pool until I was exhausted. I certainly didn't understand anything that had happened to me. Only that I must have done something horribly wrong, and that no one could ever know about it. Oh, this is still so hard. When will I learn not to take it out on myself.

A Lunch Break Post

I'm doing a quick blog post at work during my lunch break, since I've been so exhausted after work. I think it's going to take me awhile to get back in the swing of things after a whole summer without a schedule. That's okay though. I'm really loving my job this year. I'm trying not to stress about our money situation at the moment, and my therapist said that she could still see me even though we can't afford the co-pay. My nutritionist said that she would touch base with me over the phone, and I will be fine with that. I'm still restricting, but the purging is getting better. I'm frustrated that the restricting isn't really doing much to affect my weight, but that doesn't seem to be stopping me from doing it. That is how I know that it isn't about the weight. I'm not quite sure what it is about. I know that it makes me feel calmer and more in control of my life. I'm really going to try to get back on track. Eating lunch at work is very hard for me. I don't feel comfortable eating in the teachers lounge. Eating with strangers is hard for me, so my therapist wants me to work on doing that. I'm not ready yet though. Maybe once I feel more comfortable in the school, and get to know more people , it will be easier.
All in all, my life feels really good right now:)

They Have Touched My Heart

I'm so tired, but I wanted to share how my first day of school with my classroom of boys was, and I'm happy to report that it was wonderful. They have already touched my heart. I get so emotional for some reason when I work with these kids, and I can already tell that I'm going to be able to connect with this group of boys. The staff is also great, and I feel like we are going to be a really positive team. Three of the boys are non-verbal, but the other one is highly verbal. He already asked if anyone else in the classroom talked! Poor guy. He is fairly social, and has mainly been placed in this classroom because of his aggressive behavior, which we haven't observed so far. There always seems to be a honeymoon period at the beginning of the school year though.

This weekend went so quickly, and I'm already getting ready for the beginning of the week. 5:00 a.m. comes early! Last week I got up every day to walk with my neighbor, and I feel like that is an important thing for me to do for my body. I'm trying, but this first week of school was stressful, and I found myself restricting my food intake quite a bit. What's new? That is mostly the norm for me anymore, and I'm finding it hard to get back on track. I am doing better with the purging though. I noticed that I have been having horrible acid reflux because of the purging, and it has been very uncomfortable, so the natural consequences of that has been to purge less often.

Money is really tight right now, so I'm not going to be able to see my therapist or nutritionist for the rest of this month. That will be strange, but maybe I'm ready to cut back on sessions? I don't have a choice, so we will see. I cried when my husband told me that we couldn't afford the sessions, and I'm not sure why. Money issues scare me, and I hate talking about it. I like to bury my head in the sand, and I'm horrible when it comes to finances. I let Dave handle all of that, which I know is only going to bite me in the ass somewhere down the road. My next goal is to have him tutor me on all that I need to know. Well, for being so tired, I sure did write a lot! For now, I'm going to call it a night. Wishing everyone a fabulous week!

School Days

I can't sleep. I get just as excited and nervous as the kids do about the first day of school. I have my placement for the new school year, and I'm really happy about where I will be. It is a jr.high autism classroom with four boys, and I will be there all day. Usually my time is split between two different schools, so this will be nice. I've been working with the staff this week, and I already think that they are wonderful. Tomorrow I will meet the boys, which I'm looking forward to, and it is only a half day, which should ease everyone in, although the first few weeks are definitely a challenge. I suppose that is where the nerves come in! I just have a positive feeling about this year, and that feels good. Last year I was at so many different schools, that I never felt comfortable or at home anywhere. It was a tough year all around, and one I don't ever want to repeat.

I wrote this poem in honor of the first day of school. Wishing all of those students and teachers out there a great year!



First Day Jitters

The smell of blacktop
freshly poured.
Your teachers name
above the door.
Heart pounding
Stiffly standing
Hold on tight
to your momma's hand

Hair pulled up
with rubberbands
Itchy knee socks
Shoes that squeak
Tears that threaten
Quivering chin
Here you go
Life's tests begin

Angela Minard 2009©

Silence Is A Prison

Today is my last day of summer vacation, and then tomorrow I go back to work. I greatly enjoyed the break, but I suppose it is time to step back into the real world of jobs and schedules. I am an Autism Instructional Assistant, so I work in my local school district with children with autism, pre-school through grade 12. Tomorrow I will find out where my assignments are to start out the school year. I generally move around to different classrooms and grade levels, depending on where the need is. I'm looking forward to meeting the kids that I will be working with, but the first few days back are meetings, so I won't actually be with kids until Friday. It is going to be difficult to get back into my early morning routine. I walk with my neighbor from 5:00-6:00 a.m., and then out of the house by 7:00. I have been walking with my neighbor still this summer, but not until later in the morning, and then I leisurely have coffee and putz around.

No more of that!

I feel like I have done so much healing this summer, and although I'm still struggling with the eating disorder and poor body image, I feel that I'm making progress. I have come a long way in terms of dealing with the rape. I'm not triggered as easily, I tend to handle it better when I am triggered, and I'm not having as many flashbacks or nightmares. It feels good to list those things here, because it does help me to see that I am in fact, HEALING. It is strange, because I remember more details than ever before about the rape, but those memories don't come with so much terror and panic anymore. My therapist said that the memories would come when I was ready for them, and that is extremely empowering. I'm no longer being held hostage by my past. I used to think that keeping it all bottled up inside gave me the control, but I realize that the silence is what kept me a prisoner. I'm beginning to see the blue sky beyond those steel bars.

A Time To Release

A Time To Release

Visualize… Close your eyes
Imagine balloons held up to the sky.
The strings you are clutching,
they tether your soul.
Until you untangle, unravel, untie…
Your heart is a prisoner expecting to die.

Visualize… Close your eyes…
Loosen your grasp.
Uncurl your fingers…
Allow the strong threads to pass.
The wind tugs them gently away from your touch.
Drifting and rising, the ribbons stream down.
Teasing your fingers, you reach one last time.
Alas, No, be alive…

Visualize… Close your eyes…
Lower your weary arms and shade your bleary eyes
Now is the time to say your goodbyes.
All that was binding your spirit flies aloft
Yearning for freedom…
A deep breath… You sigh.
Ah, yes! Goodbye.

Angela Minard 2009©

Everything Hurts Today

People feel that I'm pushing them away, and though I don't mean to, I know that it's true. Distance makes me feel protected in a way that is hard to explain. One of my dear friends has been hurt by this, and I'm sick over it. She wants to get together and talk, and of course I want to repair whatever it is that I've done to make her feel this way. I don't mean to alienate people that I love, it just happens because I don't want them to see my pain. Maybe sharing it makes it feel all the more real somehow. I worry that I'm wearing everyone thin, and that they will tire of wanting to help me. I don't want to seem needy and selfish, and of course that is all that I seem to be.

Everything hurts today.

Music Monday~Josh Groban~You Are Loved

You Are Loved~

Don't give up
It's just the weight of the world
When your heart's heavy
I...I will lift it for you

Don't give up
Because you want to be heard
If silence keeps you
I...I will break it for you

Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you
Everybody wants to be loved
Don't give up
Because you are loved

Don't give up
It's just the hurt that you hide
When you're lost inside
I...I will be there to find you

Don't give up
Because you want to burn bright
If darkness blinds you
I...I will shine to guide you

Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you
Everybody wants to be loved
Don't give up
Because you are loved

You are loved
Don't give up
It's just the weight of the world
Don't give up
Every one needs to be heard
You are loved

Moment By Moment

I'm feeling in much better spirits today, and have decided that I'm just going to take it moment by moment, and not be so hard on myself. I still don't feel any different about losing weight, and I'm still determined to do that, but I really am going to try to do it in a way that doesn't negatively impact my health. That specifically means that I'm going to make a huge effort to stop the purging. I know that restricting isn't necessarily healthy, but at this moment, it feels like the safest thing for me to do. I'm still eating, but only a minimal amount, which is just enough to not make me want to feel like purging. The feeling of any amount of fullness only upsets me and makes me feel bad about myself, and that, I don't need. This is the choice that I'm making for now, but it doesn't mean that will be the choice for tomorrow, and I'm leaving myself open for that. I am in no means trying to slowly kill myself, because I do really believe that I can control the weight loss at a certain point. I think that most of the problem is that I've damaged my metabolism to the point where I only need the minimum amount of calories to function. When I try to eat what is the normal amount of calories for someone my age and size, I maintain a weight that feels uncomfortable and unattractive for me to be happy with. My nutritionist may not agree with this, but that is the conclusion that I have come to, whether it is accurate or not. Anyway, that is the choice that fits at this moment, so that is the one that I'm going with for today. I do want to thank everyone who has been commenting. Your advice and concern mean a lot to me. The blogging world is filled with many kind and wonderful people, and I appreciate all of you who take the time to let me know that you care. Oh, and by the way, this is my 501st post on this blog, and over 100 of those have been poetry, so while you are here, feel free to check out some of my poems:)