Unbroken

Unbroken

I’m held hostage
by your eyes…
the way you see
inside my soul.
Your voice
soothes my tattered heart,
mending it piece by piece.
Everytime I see you,
I want to run
into the warm strength
of your arms.
I long to hold your hands
to my face,
kissing each fingertip
before it touches my skin.
No longer do I feel broken
With you, I soar.

Angela Minard 2010©

Emergence

Emergence

Emerging from safety
hanging by a single
fragile thread
Transforming
from the inside out
Longing to spread
trembling wings
but still
there is the doubt
Fearing the wind
will tear through
the delicate new soul
then suddenly
gaining the strength to let go

Angela Minard 2010©

Recovery Feels Good

It has taken me over an entire year to get used to this new body, this body with curves and substance. Last year I couldn’t even look into the mirror without wanting to cry. I missed my bones, the absence of flesh, and the hunger to remind me that I was real. It takes some getting used to, but I’m at a point of acceptance, and that feels good, and a long time coming. Even at my sickest and lowest weight, it was never enough, and I felt that I could never be good enough. My therapist and I often talk about how I can feel like too much and never enough, all in the same breath. Such a contradiction! This is the most stable I’ve felt in years. My weight is stable and healthy. I might not always feel happy and comfortable in my own skin, but there are many days that I do, and that is one hell of an improvement. Do I still restrict, and have trouble with food? Yes, most definitely, I do. I still have old rules in my head, and strange food rituals and habits. Those die hard, as they are so deeply ingrained. There are days that I can challenge those, and days that I don’t feel that strong, but I’m getting there. I don’t know what I would do without my support team, and all of the people who love me, and encourage me to keep on fighting. My therapist and nutritionist are so patient with me, even when I’m quite trying and difficult! I’m blessed to have so many people on my side. I really encourage anyone with an eating disorder to get help. Recovery really is not something that most people can do successfully on their own. It has taken a team of professionals, hospitalization, and an in-patient treatment facility to finally get me back on my feet. It has taken me years to get to where I am, and I still have a ways to go. Recovery takes time, but it is so worth it!

Freedom Speaks

Freedom Speaks

I would literally
squeeze my eyes closed
as tightly as I could
and count to ten
when the memories
would threaten to creep in.
Sometimes the flashing images
in the darkness would buzz
so loudly in my ears,
and I would have to get away,
seperating from myself
once again.

It is the child
who can will their own escape;
drifting dreamless,
until the fear finds a secret place to hide.

The darkest secrets,
living in silence,
will suffocate your soul.
Freedom speaks.

Angela Minard 2010©

Grounding Techniques

In the years following being sexually abused, many times I experienced flashbacks, panic attacks, and dissociation. I now have many tools that I use to get myself grounded back in reality when this happens. I thought that I would share some of those with you:)

Flashbacks are memories of past traumas. They may take the form of pictures, sounds, smells, body sensations, feelings or the lack of them (numbness). Many times there is no actual visual or auditory memory. One may have the sense of panic, being trapped, feeling powerless with no memory stimulating it. These experiences can also happen in dreams.

Grounding Techniques

• Tell yourself that you are having a flashback
• Remind yourself that the worst is over. The feelings and sensations you are experiencing are memories of the past. The actual event took place long ago, and you survived.
• Breathe. When we get scared we stop normal breathing. As a result, our body begins to panic from the lack of oxygen. Lack of oxygen in itself causes a great deal of panic feelings: pounding in the head, tightness, sweating, feeling faint, shakiness, dizziness. When we breathe deeply enough, a lot of the panic feelings can decrease.
• Reorient to the present. Begin to use your five senses in the present. Look around and see the colors in the room, the shapes of things, the people near, etc. Listen to the sounds around you: your breathing, traffic, birds, people, cars, etc. Feel your body and what is touching it: your clothes, your own arms and hands, the chair or floor supporting you.
• Sometimes getting ice, or submerging your hands in cold water will help to shock your body back to the present.
• Speak to yourself as the child you were if your trauma happened as a child, and reassure him/her. It is very healing to get your adult in the now, that you can get out if you need to, that it is OK to feel the feelings of long ago without reprisal. The child needs to know that it is safe to experience the feelings/sensations and let go of the past.

These exercises take some practice, and they won't always work, but they have helped me to feel like I have some control over the memories instead of the memories controlling me.

Now, give your inner child a hug, and have a great week!

Painting The Poet

Painting The Poet

I try to hide
in your branches

of gold
You paint my words
my soul

in primary colors
so bright
unable to be concealed
in shadow or light
Naked I stand
illuminated
Your brush strokes
bold and sure

Angela Minard 2010©

The Missing Piece

The Missing Piece

I've felt you in whispers
I've held you in dreams,
and what if you were
the missing piece
to the puzzle of my life?
The final piece to a search
that would start
with our first kiss.

Angela Minard 2010©

Feelings Of Power

I had therapy yesterday, and today I see my nutritionist. Food has been hit or miss, and I'm mainly sticking with the foods that I feel safe eating. I haven't been eating dinner with the family as much as I should be. I come home and make a smoothie, and call that dinner. Weekends seem to be better, but during the week, I have a difficult time, and I'm not really sure why that is. Maybe it is because it is so much busier during the week, and I don't make as much time to eat. I did eat lunch at work this week though, so I definitely have my good moments. I'm great at making excuses, but the fact is that I'm terrified. I hate the feeling of food in my stomach. It almost makes me want to cry, and I wish that I could get past it. I feel like I've failed everytime that I eat, as if denying myself food somehow makes me a stronger, better person. In therapy we talked about being afraid to look like a woman, or to be viewed in a sexual way. I think that is how the eating disorder started. It was a way of being able to take control over my own body because other people had taken that away from me. Now, I have no idea why I'm still hanging on to it, when it no longer serves a purpose. It is like I'm addicted to the way it makes me feel. I feel powerful when I can control my body, and that feeling of power is a hard thing to give up. My therapy assignment for this week is to find other things that make me feel powerful.

A Restless Heart

A Restless Heart

My heart is forever racing
ahead of the beat
pulsing within the cage
of my soul
Restless and waiting

Hidden eyes watch
the movement of your
hands as you talk
Longing to touch them
Your voice inside
of my head
listens for the meaning
behind your words
finding myself lost
within the silence
of all that is unspoken

"Yes, this is fun," I say,
when you ask
unsure of my feelings
once again
unsure of you
and your feelings

Your playful smile
touches upon the happiness
that lies dormant

"Yes, this is fun."

Angela Minard 2010©

Just Once

Just Once

Meet me somewhere
beneath the blue sky
sun in your eyes

Meet me with a smile
pretending that you are mine
for awhile

Meet me with a kiss
take my breath
and make it your own

Meet me with a sigh
a whisper in the night
hold me in the moonlight

Meet me just once
then say goodbye...

Angela Minard 2010©

Far Away

Far Away

The empty ache
of missing someone
...of missing the parts of them
that you will never know.
...of knowing that soon
you will again be strangers,
worlds no longer colliding.
Was there a point
to the impact?
Did I make a difference
to you?

The waning of the moon,
the changing of the tides.
It is all about timing.
Our paths crossing
at the wrong time
or maybe
it was the right time.
There is a meaning,
obscure for now.

I do know
that already,
I'm missing you.

Angela Minard 2010©

C. S. Lewis Song

These are the lyrics to a song by Brooke Fraser, called the C. S. Lewis Song. The words really speak to me, so I thought I would share. If you want to listen, then look her up on YouTube. It is a really pretty song.

C. S. Lewis Song

If I find in myself desires nothing in this world can satisfy,
I can only conclude that I was not made for here.
If the flesh that I fight is at best only light and momentary,
then of course I'll feel nude when to where I'm destined I'm compared.

Speak to me in the light of the dawn
Mercy comes with the morning
I will sigh and with all creation groan as I wait for hope to come for me
Am I lost or just less found?
On the straight or on the roundabout of the wrong way?
Is this a soul that stirs in me, is it breaking free, wanting to come alive?
Because my comfort would prefer for me to be numb
And avoid the impending birth of who I was born to become

For we, we are not long here
Our time is but a breath, so we better breathe it
And I, I was made to live, I was made to love, I was made to know you
Hope is coming for me
Hope, He's coming

My List of Wants

Wants~

• To listen and be heard
• To see and be seen
• To feel and be felt
• To make a difference
• To matter
• To live in the now
• To feel joy
• To grieve
• To trust
• To have faith
• To have self worth
• To nurture and be nurtured
• To move on
• To nourish myself body and soul
• To hold on
• To be held

Oh, the list is endless, but never the less, I'm working on believing that I deserve those things. I swallow my feelings instead of swallowing food, but I'm stuffed full of emotions that long to spill out, and I'm afraid that they will be too much for me or anyone else to handle. For so long, what I've really been working on is disappearing.

On Monday evening, I turned pillows into punching bags, and it felt so good, although I cannot pinpoint what triggered my anger. I suppose I have reasons for my pent up rage, but it surprised even me. I rarely show anger to anyone, instead I become mute. No one was around, so it felt safe to release it. Healing is exhausting, but slowly the weight is lifting. I haven't had flashbacks, panic attacks, or *dissociated in weeks. Now if I could get this eating disorder under control. My therapist says that it will be the hardest thing for me to let go of, and I think she is right. Most of me still doesn't even want to let it go, and I know that sounds sick and horrible, but it makes me feel safe for some reason that doesn't even make sense to me. I need to find the right key to fit the lock. All that I can do is to keep on searching.

* In psychology and psychiatry, a perceived detachment of the mind from the emotional state or even from the body. Dissociation is characterized by a sense of the world as a dreamlike or unreal place and may be accompanied by poor memory of the specific events, which in severe form is known as dissociative amnesia.
The term dissociation refers to the act of separating or the state of being separated.

She Waits

She Waits

Waiting...
for your strong arms
wrapped around me
Your breath warm
on the back of my neck

Waiting...
for your mouth
A gentle kiss
teasing lips

pressed against mine

Waiting...
for you to walk
into the room
and smile

You make

my heart dance

Waiting...
to hear your voice
whisper my name
calling softly

Waiting...
to hold your hand
in mine
fingers entwined

Waiting...
to cup your face
in my hands

so close

I can feel your pulse

Don't forget me

I'm waiting...

Angela Minard 2010©

Searching

“Sometimes people leave you, half way through the woods. Others may deceive you, you decide what’s right, you decide what’s good. You decide alone, but no one is alone.”~ Into The Woods

From the moment I woke up this morning, the tears have been just below the surface, stinging my eyes. I dreamt of dolls, clutching them in my sleep, afraid to let them go. I want someone to hold me, afraid to let me go. I want them to please keep the nightmares away. I feel alone, but I have built this fortress around my heart, keeping the gate safely closed and locked. The door is slowly creaking open, my emotions seeping through the crack. I fear that because I was ready to take a risk, you have changed your mind about me. You now see me differently.

Unlock The Silence

Did you know that 1 in 3 girls and 1 in 6 boys will experience an unwanted sexual act before the age of 18? April is Sexual Assault and Awareness Prevention Month. Every 2 minutes, someone in the U.S. is sexually assaulted. Visit http://www.rainn.org/ for more information, to get help, or to donate.

My Angel

My Nonni, which is what I called my grandma, used to call me"Angel." I loved that...believing that one day I would fly, and ever since, I've loved angels, fairies, unicorns, and butterfly wings.
My mom has always said that she was a beautiful soul, too gentle for this world. I looked forward to her laughter, followed by a hacking cough, because she smoked pack after pack of cigarettes. Sadness surrounded her though, the shades drawn, amber pill bottles filled the coffee table next to the worn upholstered chair that she sat in for most of her day. She loved to watch General Hospital, and I would sit and watch with her. We would talk about the characters, and how horrible Erica Cane was. She bought me frilly Easter dresses, and made me feel like a beautiful and treasured doll. At her funeral, I carried my first born son on my hip. She would never hold my babies in her soft arms. I miss her. She is the angel that watches over me.

Never Enough

There are lost pieces of me, a void unfilled, only an elusive dream that I continue to reach for. I want more than it is possible to have, grasping for what is missing in my life. Unsure of my own needs. I take greedily, an insatiable hunger. Always dissatisfied with what is right in front of me. Emptiness leads me down a lonely path, luring me into the darkness. Lost in the poison of my secret memories, kept hidden. I grieve for the child left behind to fend for herself. She is the hate that lives inside of me, the shame that I hold on to, the ugliness that I feel on the outside, when I look into the mirror of my own eyes.

Secrets

Therapy was hard today, in a way that I cannot even explain here, but we talked about secrets and shame. I tend to carry those two things around with me wherever I go. It is exhausting, and yet I can't seem to let them go. I have told my therapist so many things that I could never say out loud before, and out loud is a hard thing for me. Using my voice is a hard thing.

Anyway, I wrote a poem a long time ago to my therapist, when I was still afraid to trust her with my secrets, and that is something that I'm still working on. Here it is...

Secrets

I'm afraid all of the time.
I wonder what you hide.
No one is who they say they are.

Who are you?
Who am I?
Who can I trust
with all that I am?

For so long you have seen
what I want you to see,
or so I thought.
I don't want to be alone anymore.
To be me.
Alive.

So I give all of my secrets away.
To hold like a wish in your hands.
A deep breath...
And then gone...

Angela Minard 2007©

Challenges

"This heavy heart is lightened and I sing."


I'm struggling to eat this week because I don't have much of an appetite. I don't always pay attention to my hunger cues, because for so long, I have ignored them. Empty is what feels normal and comfortable for me. It is also hard for me at work. I still find it difficult to eat in front of other people, so I just need to challenge myself more. I forgot my Boost and V8 Fusion drinks today, so I didn't have anything for breakfast or lunch. I'm sick of them though, so I'm going to make myself a sandwhich and take it to work for lunch tomorrow. Sitting down to eat it will be the challenge. I will let you know how it goes. My nutritionist has been pushing me to pack a lunch for work for a long time, so I will be excited to tell her that I finally did it.

Tomorrow is a therapy day. I'm supposed to try to take in my journal entry, but I honestly don't think that I will be able to yet. Every time I think about it, I almost start to cry. It is such a painful memory that I cannot even imagine telling anyone about it. The first time I told my therapist about the sexual abuse, I made her turn around so that she couldn't see me say all of those horrible things. I felt such shame and humiliation. These memories make me feel the same way. I hope that one day those feelings will go away. I have to remind myself on a daily basis that I was only a little girl. Sometimes even looking at little girls is hard for me. They break my heart.

In between all of this though, is happiness. I'm feeling better about myself, and what I've accomlished so far. I'm doing hard work. I think that eventually I will be able to tell my therapist what is in my journal. I know that ultimately it will be freeing. I just have to gather the courage and strength. I know that I have it in me. If I didn't, I wouldn't be where I am now.

With Abandon

This is probably the happiest poem that I've ever written, and since I'm feeling so happy, I thought I would share it:-)

With Abandon

I want to drift
through lavender fields.
The petals so soft
like the fingers of children,
laying hands on my face.
Bringing their kisses.
The sun bursting lips.
The warm blush of roses.

I want to twirl
and spin in the rain
The pelting of tears,
the pin pricks of pain.
Barefoot laughter.
Dancing in time,
to the dripping rhythm
and rhyme.

I want to sing.
Pounding keys,
plucking strings.
A melody rising,
resounding within.
Staccato, fortissimo.
The march of my heart.
Beating wild.
Abandoned.
Alive.

Angela Minard 2010©

Good Things

Life feels so amazing and beautiful today, as if everything is filled with a golden light. The colors I see seem brighter, my heart flutters like a butterly’s wings, and the world spins around in a whirl of dizzying emotions. I’m a child turning in circles, and then falling down to the ground, the clouds flying above me.

Good Things Of The Day~

• I went to my youngest son, Roman’s basketball game, and his team won. He played awesome, and I’m proud of him. Watching him out there makes me nervous though. I sit on the edge of my seat, with my hands sweating :-)
  
• I have laughed so much with my boys. (I have four) They bring me so much joy.(most of the time)
• I talked with my mom on the phone this morning. It was nice to talk to her, and update her on all of the boys antics and activities. I also talk to her about my worries and concerns. It feels good to have someone besides my husband who listens and cares. I love you, Mom!
  
• I don’t hate my body today. I actually feel comfortable in my own skin, which is a rare thing for me.

I’m wishing everyone a Happy Easter, and I will leave you with a beautiful Easter quote~

“ Easter is a time to take a new look at ourselves and contemplate the divinity in us, the depths of our own innate God-potential. It is a time to reappraise the principle that makes all overcoming possible.”~ Eric Butterworth

A Leap Of Faith

Today I told a friend that knows about my eating disorder and the sexual abuse that all that I wanted to be was "normal." Of course he then asked what that meant, and all that I could think of were the things that I did not want to be. I said with self deprecating humor the other day that I apologize for my mere existence, but the truth is that I too often apologize for being who I am. I say I'm sorry at least a few times a day, and sometimes for things that I didn't even do, or were beyond my control. "It was my fault," is the reoccurring theme in my life. I relive the pain of the past, unable to see who and where I am now. I fear the future because I'm afraid that I'm going to fail at who I want to be. I want to be a whole, unbroken woman, who loves, laughs, cries, feels, and actually lives in the present. I want so much, and I'm afraid that it is too much...that I'm too much. My feelings inside are a jumble of mixed and confusing emotions that I can't seem to sort out. Maybe this is what healing is because I'm beginning to actually feel all of the feelings that I numbed myself from for so long. The eating disorder was a sweet distraction from my emotions, but it is no longer working, even though I'm still using those behaviors as a way to cope. So why not just stop, give it up, and take a leap of faith.

Autism Awareness Month

I work with children with autism, so I wanted to bring it to everyone's attention, that April is Autism Awareness Month. For more information on how to get involved, go to http://www.autism-society.org/.

I also wrote a poem awhile back about some of the children that I work with, and have worked with in the past. Many people with autism are non-verbal, or have very limited communication skills. I wrote this for them~

The Interpreter

In my dreams

sometimes they speak

as if they did it everyday

Voices so smooth and effortless

that I forget to listen to the words

Eyes that seem to stare

into a vast and hollow void

Spinning objects in revolutions

of endless delight

Fingers that flicker and eyes

that look away

My heart tries to hear

what they cannot say

and in my dreams

sometimes they speak

Angela Minard 2010©