Tell Me

Tell Me

Not dark at all
midday
shades drawn tight
to keep out the light

No shadows play
as we lay
face to face
breath to breath

Our lips barely touch
soft and slow
hearts flying fast
longing for the moment
to last

Your eyes gaze deep
as you whisper
Please
tell me again and again

Angela Minard 2010©

Falling Away

All of my old coping mechanisms are falling away, leaving me to deal with painful memories and feelings on my own. Well, I guess that I have always dealt with them on my own, only in not such healthy ways. This morning I awoke from a nightmare. It was a strange dream, where I could see my rapists faces, although in reality, I cannot remember them with any clarity. All that I remember is that one of them had red hair. By the time that I woke up, the faces were gone, and usually that would be fine, but I wanted to see them...to see their faces, and be angry, and hate them for what they did to me. For once, I did not try to escape inside of my own mind. I did not run away, and it hurts, but I'm feeling. It hurts, but I'm moving forward.

Weighing In

Yesterday was my appointment with my nutritionist, and it went well. I was nervous because I knew that I was going to be weighed. I'm doing blind weights, so I don't know what my actual weight is, although I still guess at it! I hadn't been weighed in a few weeks, and although I haven't gained any weight in a year, I'm still always anxious about it. My weight has been stable, but this week I had actually lost 3 1/2 lbs. I was really excited about it, and yes, probably too excited. I was so worried that increasing my food intake would make me gain, but this proves to me that's not the case, and I'm so relieved. Now I feel more comfortable with my meal plan, and I think the exercise is helping to boost my metabolism, which has been sluggish due to the restricting. I know that it's not about losing weight, but being healthy, or at least I hope that if I keep on telling myself that, I will believe it. Losing weight is so seductive, and for me, all it leads to is wanting to lose more. I do think that I'm past the stage of never believing that I'm thin enough. I no longer want to disappear. My nutritionist says that if I follow the plan, my body will fall into a natural and healthy weight, and I'm going to trust and believe that will happen. I'm going to continue with what I've been doing, and let the rest go.

Glitter In The Air

I love this song and video. For some reason it always brings tears to my eyes.

Glitter In The Air

Have you ever fed a lover with just your hands?
Close your eyes and trust it, just trust it
Have you ever thrown a fist full of glitter in the air?
Have you ever looked fear in the face
And said I just don't care?

It's only half past the point of no return
The tip of the iceberg, the sun before the burn
The thunder before lightning, the breath before the phrase
Have you ever felt this way?

Have you ever hated yourself for staring at the phone?
Your whole life waiting on the ring to prove you're not alone
Have you ever been touched so gently you had to cry?
Have you ever invited a stranger to come inside?

It's only half past the point of oblivion
The hourglass on the table, the walk before the run
The breath before the kiss and the fear before the flames
Have you ever felt this way?

La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la

There you are, sitting in the garden
Clutching my coffee, calling me sugar
You called me sugar

Have you ever wished for an endless night?
Lassoed the moon and the stars and pulled that rope tight
Have you ever held your breath and asked yourself
Will it ever get better than tonight? Tonight

Stitches

Our 2nd day of summer, and Roman ended up in the ER. I should have had my mom radar on when he and a friend decided to put face paint on and go out playing in the creek behind our house. He walked out of the house with face paint, an old army helmut, and a walking stick in his hand. An hour later, he walked back into the house with blood pouring down his face. For a minute, I thought that he was pulling a prank on me, but that unfortunately was not the case! He was playing in the creek, he was running, and hit his head on the top of a sewer drain. Dave took him into the ER, and he needed 11 stitches on the inside, and 4 on the outside. The doctor said that he could see Roman's skull. Having boys can be so scary! I'm losing count of the broken bones and stitches we have had over the years. Hopefully the rest of this summer won't be so filled with drama. My heart can only stand so much:)

Unsent Letters

Unsent Letters

Feelings like watercolors
blurring
one into the other
indigo
gold
tears into laughter
plopping like rain
onto the pavement
pools on parchment
the words running
together
pages crumpled
writing and writing
to be torn
and disgarded
unlike a secret love
held inside the heart
unforgotten and waiting
beating only for you

Angela Minard 2010©

Summer Musings

Today I have already accomplished one of the chores on my list, which was to do some deep cleaning in my kitchen. Tomorrow, I think I may tackle our refrigerator. Yuck!
I sat outside today, and just let my mind wander, while I listened to some music on my i-pod. I love the warmth of the sun on my skin, and summer is my favorite time of the year. I'm so lucky to have a break from work, so that I can enjoy it.
I'm trying to figure out when we can go to Florida. Dave and I both have high school reunions to attend, and the boys have activities to work around. I'm hoping that it will work out though.
Today I have a therapy appointment, and then tomorrow Dave and I have couples therapy. I'm not fond of couples therapy. I get so nervous about what he is going to say. I feel like I'm doing better, but I know that he has concerns. We tend to protect each other too much. I don't want him to worry about me, so I try to keep my feelings in check around him. I feel like he treats me like a child, but maybe I really do act like a child. I know that in some ways I feel like I'm growing up and away from the little girl that was abused. I'm letting her go, and moving on, and that is definitely a growing process. We also just had our 20th anniversary, which we are going to celebrate on Wednesday. We are going to our favorite restaurant, and I'm looking forward to going out. We don't get out often enough.
I think that eating disorder recovery is going well. I've been consistently eating my meals and exercising. Thursday I will have a weigh in with my nutritionist, and that is always nerve racking. I don't know my weight, but she will tell me if I've lost or gained. I will worry that I have gained because I'm eating more, although I don't feel like I have. I feel great, and have a lot more energy, so that does make it worth it. I have support, and that also helps. Well that is all for now. Hope everyone is having a great week, and I appreciate all of the positive comments on my posts. I have wonderful blogging friends:)

It Feels Good

It is hard to see in this picture, but I had my nose pierced yesterday!

I have this new found sense of excitement and adventure, and I feel so in love with life right now. I feel like I’ve discovered a new part of myself, and I really like who I have uncovered. I’m taking chances and risks that I’ve never been brave enough to take before. The past is not taking up so much space in my mind lately, and that feels like such a relief.

Last night I went and had my nose pierced. It was something that I had wanted to do for awhile, but I always worried about what other people would think. Yesterday, I thought, “Screw it!” I don’t care what anyone else thinks, and I’m so glad that I did it. I love it! I have had a great start to my summer. I went over to a friends house yesterday, sat by her pool, and got started on my tan. I also got a start on some of my household chores. I have a ton of energy, partly due to the fact that I’ve been eating well, and working out. I’ve been used to starving myself for so long, that I forgot how it feels to be nourished. It feels good:)

Time To Let Go

I'm trying so hard not to cry. I just feel lonely right now, and I wish that I didn't have this ache in my heart. I don't seem to know what to do with myself. Dave is on his annual golf trip, so all I have are the boys, and they pretty much do their own thing. I guess teenagers are like that! Today was my last day of work for the school year, and I should be celebrating. I will miss my work friends, and even the kids, although a break from autism will be nice. I don't really have many plans for the summer. We may take a trip to Florida to visit my parents. Dave doesn't really want to do it. We will have to drive, and it is a long trip. If he doesn't want to go, then maybe I will take the boys on my own. There are also things that I want to do around my house, that I never seem to have the energy to do during the week. I'm feeling motivated at the moment. We will see how long that lasts:) I'm also feeling motivated to get the eating disorder under control. I'm doing pretty good. I've only had a couple of slips, but then I've been able to get right back on track. I'm so ready to move past this once and for all. I'm tired of hurting, and most of all, I'm so tired of hurting myself. It is more than time to let go of the past and start living my life.

Because Of You

"Because of you I never stray too far from the sidewalk. Because of you I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt. Because of you I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me. Because of you I am afraid."

Kelly Clarkson

Well, day 5 didn't go as planned. I exercised, and skipped dinner, and I'm still trying to figure out why. Am I avoiding a feeling, worried about being thinner, or both? I like to believe that it is all about being thinner, when in truth it has nothing to do with it. It is my way of avoiding looking at myself. It is me putting blinders on, because I'm afraid of who I will see. What happened yesterday to make me afraid? I happened to come home from work and decided to read a letter that my dad had sent me months ago, but had put aside. I thought that I was strong enough to look at it, but maybe not. It had been sitting on the kitchen counter for months, and why now? He's sorry...so sorry, and why do I care? Shoulds get in my way. I should forgive, and yet I can't seem to.

Anyway...I had a slip, but I'm ready to get back on the horse, so to speak:) I'm not giving up.

A Foreign Feeling

This is day four of following the new meal plan, and all is well. I'm used to drinking a Boost in the afternoon, but I went to the store and bought some lunch choices to replace it, and I'm having the Boost in the morning for breakfast. Ingesting calories in the morning is hard for me, because I've never been a breakfast eater, and it took a lot for me to get through lunch because in my head I already knew that I had 240 calories. The calories add up in my head, and I get a bit freaked out by that, but I did it. I make it through dinner because I know that I can work out afterward, and that helps a lot.
I feel so motivated to do this, and it feels foreign for me to be taking such good care of myself, but for once, it doesn't feel wrong. I truly believe that I deserve to be happy and healthy. This is not about what my body looks like anymore, but about how I feel on the inside about myself. Starving never really did achieve what I wanted it to. What I always really wanted was to just disappear so that I wouldn't have to hurt so much. I was slowly killing myself, and at the time, that was fine for me, because I didn't believe that I was worth saving. I'm gaining self worth, and I've never felt so alive and joyful before. It feels strange, but so very wonderful, and there is nothing I want more than to hang onto this feeling.

My Identity

It's another early morning where I can't sleep. My mind is racing with thoughts, and I'm unable to slow them down. I also have the jitters from the medicine that I take, and that doesn't help matters. So here I am, writing and drinking coffee, because I already know that I won't be returning to bed. I really don't mind being quiet and alone, but I wish sometimes that there was a switch that could turn off my thoughts, or at least slow them down.
So far, yesterday went well with my new meal plan. I had a meal replacement drink for breakfast, and also ate lunch and dinner. That is a first since I don't remember when! My meals were pretty small, but still, I broke the rule in my head about one meal per day, and nothing bad happened to me. I also followed my limit of how much I could exercise. I used to over exercise, and that compulsion when I get on the treadmill is still there. I get fixated on the number of calories that I'm burning, and then I don't want to get off. The three meals did make me anxious, and I'm still worried. I worry that I'm going to gain weight with this plan. I have to remember that when I was in treatment, I ate the proper amount of calories, and when I had reached a healthy weight for my body, I stopped gaining. I really just want to maintain this weight without starving myself to do it. My nutritionist is always telling me that my metabolism will increase when I give it enough calories and exercise. Restriction only lowers my metabolism, and I have to keep reminding myself of this. I have to trust and believe that this is true, and the only way to find out is to do it, no matter how frightened that I am.
For so long, holding on to this eating disorder has felt like I'm somehow holding on to myself. Strangely I wonder if I will feel like I'm missing a piece of myself, or if I will finally find joy and freedom. You would think that I should know the answer to that question, but this has been my identity for a long time. I will find my way, it just may take me some time to do it.

A New Beginning

Today is the start of my new meal/exercise plan, and I'm actually pretty pumped about it, strangely enough. I've decided that I'm going to really, seriously do this. I'm going to kick this eating disorder to the curb once and for all. I think that this is the first time that I've felt so motivated. Even during my stay in-patient, part of me knew that I was going to go back to restricting. I had old issues that I wasn't dealing with, and I was still so afraid. That doesn't mean that I'm still not afraid, but I'm ready to face the fear. I truly believe that I can do it, and that is a first. I also know that I have people on my side who are going to hold me accountable because they care. Mostly though, I'm going to hold myself accountable because I deserve to get better, and the people who love me deserve more of me than they are getting. So now, I'm off to dinner, and then I'm going to hit the treadmill. I'm ready to start over, change my life, and begin again.

Rules

I suppose that most of us are taught not to break the rules set up by society. I was always a good girl, afraid to get into trouble. Now the rules that I'm afraid to break are the rules that I've made up inside of my own head. I'm trying to break many of my rules surrounding food. I've come a long way from limiting myself to an apple a day, because if I ate more than that, something bad might happen. I still have the persistent rule that I can only eat one meal per day. I try breaking that by drinking a meal replacement drink at lunch, and trying to eat dinner, but that isn't always happening. If I eat lunch, then I end up skipping dinner, and vice versa. There is the feeling I have inside that I'm a bad person if I have needs, and eating is of course, a big need. It is hard for me to shake that feeling every single time I sit down to eat. Sitting down with the food in front of me is hard, picking up the fork is hard, taking a bite and swallowing is hard. There is a part of me that knows if I push myself, it will get easier with time, but the other voice in my head, the eating disorder voice always seems to be so much louder.
Today someone that I used to work with and hadn't seen in a few months told me that it looked like I had lost weight, and how great I looked. I hate comments like that. It fuels the ED voice, which then screams at me that I need to lose more weight to look even better. It makes me feel like she thought that I needed to lose the weight. Of course, why do I care what she thinks anyway? Yeah, I'm working on that too:)
So anyway...my goal is to break my meal a day rule. That will mean telling ED to F*** OFF, and telling myself that nothing bad will happen if I break that rule. I will still be a good person.

The Destination

Searching and yet hiding from the unknown. A place deep inside to call home. Uncertain that the destination I'm headed to is even where I want to go. Afraid of going through the dark places hidden to find the light. Always looking for an easier, less painful route to take. There is comfort in the numbness I continually seek out. This is my journey. I have to find my way in my own time.

Haiku~

This is my first try at writing a haiku~ I hope you like it:)

~*~This is the Japanese symbol for love~*~

Touch my face again
and I’ll forget where you end
and where I begin.

Angela Minard 2010©

Mother's Day

This was the first family portrait that we had taken twelve years ago. Look at my babies! They were so small, and the time has just flown by. I love everything about being a mom. Watching them grow and change into the wonderful young men that they are becoming. My love for them is overwhelming and unconditional.
You would think that having an eating disorder would have made it hard for me to be pregnant, but those were the times that I absolutely loved my body and felt the most beautiful. I took care of myself like no other time in my life, cherishing the new lives that I was carrying. They are the best part of my life!
I hope that everyone has a wonderful Mother's Day, especially my mom, who I miss and love very much.

2:00 A. M.

It is 2:00 A.M., and I just woke up from a nightmare that was triggering, and now I can't sleep. I feel like I need to talk to someone, and I feel so alone even though my husband is only footsteps away. I don't want to be a bother or a burden to anyone. Why do I find it so hard to reach out when I'm hurting and afraid. It brings me right back to the sexual abuse. It happened, and I felt too afraid to tell. There is always this fear, and it has settled deep inside of me. I know why I had the dream. I watched something on television that brought back a memory. There was the blood. I see it. I remembered it like I was right back in that bedroom after those boys left. I didn't understand. I was so ashamed and scared that I had done something wrong. All I wanted was to be clean. To wash everything away. I'm having a hard time staying grounded right now. I need someone to help me. I want to call my therapist but it is so late. I thought that writing would help, and maybe I won't be able to post this. I'm probably not even making sense, but none of this will ever make sense in my head. Why me, I ask? Why do I have to feel this? It hurts so much, and what if I can never get through this? Does every bit of pain, and every tear shed mean that I'm healing? All that I can do is hope.

Avoidance?

My therapy and nutritionist sessions were hard this week, and I'm feeling discouraged. Everyone feels like I'm using avoidance types of behaviors, and that in many ways, I'm fooling myself into believing I'm fine, when really I'm not fine. It is frustrating for others to believe that you have a problem, when you can't see the problems for yourself. I feel like I'm trying to eat, but I'm still basically only having one meal a day. My therapist is not happy with my progress when it comes to food. I told her that I've eaten lunch instead of having Boost twice this week, but that doesn't seem good enough. I know that I'm not eating breakfast, and that my calories are still too low, but I'm afraid of adding more food. My weight has basically stayed the same for awhile now. My nutritionist says that my body is used to running in starvation mode, and that it will adjust to added calories. I'm not very trusting of that. I'm trying to change things, but people need to understand that I also need to go at my own pace. I have so many feelings that are bubbling just below the surface, and I know that it is only a matter of time before they break free. I have to feel like I have some sort of control over them.

Everyone also feels that my drinking is still a problem. I guess that I don't feel like it is a problem if I want to go numb every once in a while. It doesn't affect my day to day life. It doesn't affect my job. I don't even drink on a weekly basis. I promised my husband that I wouldn't drink alone or hide alcohol, and I will keep that promise, but I'm not going to stop drinking all together. If that sounds like denial, than so be it. I'm tired of feeling like I'm a project that needs to be fixed. I need some space, and for everyone to back off. I feel like I'm okay. I'm not depressed or suicidal. I'm taking my medication like I should be. Yeah, I avoid my feelings at times, but it is painful stuff that I'm dealing with. Every day I wake up, and it isn't long before the ugliness hits me right in the gut. I want it all to disappear, along with myself at times. Is it so wrong to want that? I know that it will never go away, and that I can't change the past, but so what if I don't want to look it in the face every single waking moment!

Anyway...I just needed to vent a bit. I'm already feeling better. If you have made it this far, then thanks for reading:) Hope everyone has a great weekend!

Fear Or Freedom?

Every once in awhile someone, usually my therapist, but not always, will touch upon something so deep and painful that I literally stop breathing. That happened to me yesterday, and it felt like fear and freedom at the same time. Unfortunately, the fear took over, I stuffed every emotion that I was feeling back down, and now I feel close to overflowing. I love how this translates into a reason not to eat, because I'm just too full, so needless to say, food didn't go so well yesterday. Sarcasm doesn't even begin to mask the frustration that I was feeling, and I often wonder when I will get out of my own way. Today has been better though. I have a friend at work that I've really been able to talk to about things that I usually don't feel comfortable sharing, and it has helped me more than they probably realize. I'm also starting to feel more safe eating in the classroom thanks to them. I'm less and less afraid each time that I do it. One of the hardest parts of lunch for me is actually fixing myself something to take. It has something to do with self care, and feeling like I deserve to be taken care of and nurtured. I tend to put my needs last, so that is what I NEED to work on. Tonight I'm going to pack myself a sandwhich for tomorrow, which is something that my nutritionist has been encouraging me to do for some time now. In fact, I'm going to end this post right now, so that I can go do that:)

Missing Someone

Missing Someone

The time in between smiles
can feel endless
when you are missing someone,
so you play their voice
inside of your head.
You close your eyes,
trying to recall everything said,
hanging on to the whisper of words
before they dissipate into silence.
You covet each glance,
each touch that lingers on your skin,
before it fades away
into the darkness of your mind.
You dream, and you wish, and you wonder
if the ache is yours alone.
Yes, the time in between smiles
can feel endless
when you are missing someone.

Angela Minard 2010©

Out Of Reach

Out Of Reach

Reaching out
into the darkness,
a dreamless sleep
Waking to find
empty and aching
My arms...

Angela Minard 2010©

It's Not My Fault

I haven't written much about therapy lately, I guess. It is just too painful to even put into words that I can later look at, and read. Going into my own head and regurgitating memories is hard enough, and verbalizing isn't my strong suit, but I've released a lot of crap in the past few sessions with my regular therapist. I was seeing a therapist for the trauma, but I could never really get comfortable. He did help me to better understand the flashbacks and dissociation though. Therapy is a strange process, and it takes a lot of trust, at least for me, to open up. It is weird, but my therapist knew right away that I had been sexually abused, even before I could tell her. She waited patiently for months before I said anything. Of course, it took me most of my life before I could speak. To tell you the truth, I thought that everyone already knew. I thought you could just look at me and see all of the ugliness. Not only that, but I thought that there was something about me...a target on my back...that I deserved what happened to me. God, I hated that little girl.
Now, I can forgive. Maybe not them, maybe never them, but me. I can forgive me for hating the child that I was. I can honestly say now, "It was not my fault."