To A Place That Is Holy

To A Place That Is Holy

I'm not sure why I come here again and again
To the place where my bones used to lie rotting
beneath my flesh
The place where my heart fluttered
like the broken wings of a baby bird
fallen from its nest
shivering in a warm spring wind

I'm not sure where the ghost of me is anymore
and sometimes I miss the oblivion
There was the companionship of her voice
keeping me company
The growling hunger that kept the ache away

II

It comes and it goes
The nightmares of bodies
The blood streaked thighs

There was the water, the confession of my sins
and the prayers to a God that never came
Forgiveness is holy and draws my breath inward
I can, I tell myself in whispers that grow louder
until my voice is raw and ragged
echoing to the world that I am here

Angela Minard 2011©

Wake Up!

"I have heard it all my life,
A voice calling a name I recognized as my own.

Sometimes it comes as a soft-bellied whisper.
Sometimes it holds an edge of urgency.

But always it says: Wake up, my love. You are walking asleep.
There's no safety in that!" ~ Oriah Mountain Dreamer

There is the feeling of waking up after a long sleep, disoriented, confused, and unsure of where I fit in this world. I gingerly touch the uncertainty of joy, afraid it will slip away along with the new found beating of my heart. I cry warm tears that wash against my cool flesh, and at last I am alive.

Not Going Back

I can't even explain to you how tired I am of feeling like I have a heavy weight bearing down on my chest. Every time I release a breath, I have to hold back tears. Yesterday, as soon as I walked through my therapists door, I began to cry, and she explained to me that I have so many years of grief built up, and that it is going to take awhile to release all of that pain. She said, "You know, sometimes when I'm angry, I cry." "I'm not angry," I replied. "You have every right to be," she said. Sometimes I feel like I don't have any rights. I know those are residual feelings from being violated as a child, and yet those feelings remain, and they are real. I'm ashamed of my tears, but I'm also so very tired of carrying around so much shame. When does that feeling go away? I know that I'm responsible for letting go of it, but I'm not sure what I'm actively supposed to be doing. It doesn't seem like I'm doing enough. I don't know which is more difficult...burying the feelings, or setting them free. I know that I'm not prepared to go backwards anymore.

Separate Selves And Becoming Whole

I didn't go to work yesterday. In the morning, I had a doctors appointment, and I was going to go back in the afternoon, but I felt emotionally exhausted and drained. It has been a rough couple of weeks when it comes to feelings. I'm not always sure what to do with them. I think that is the problem...I'm not pushing them away, shoving them down, and starving to get rid of them. They are overwhelming at times, and there are memories that I never have actually dealt with before, and they are frightening. I woke up from a nightmare on Friday. It was a dream of a real memory, and it made me physically sick to my stomach. I thought, "How could they have done those things to a little girl." Maybe sometimes I still separate myself from the child that I was, but I think that I'm trying to integrate my two separate selves into one whole person. I don't have to dissociate to get away from those memories anymore, and I haven't done that in awhile. I'm learning to deal with everything in a healthy way, and as painful as it is, I'm making my way through. I sure do cry a lot though!

Things I Love Part II

Things I Love Part II

1.The green of a spring sky that threatens rain in the morning
2.The smell of lilies of the valley
3.The new lipstick I found called Fashion's Night Pout:)
4.The questioning look my dog gives me
5.The sarcasm of son #4( I don't know where he gets it from;-)
6.The Bamboozler ride at World's Of Fun.( spinning is the best!)
7.The way one of my little autism kiddos pats my face
8.Child's Pose
9.Now & Later candy( Watermelon is my fav)
10.Boys, Boys, Boys, Boys( Men too!)
11.My YouTube playlist
12.My new Easter dress(which I will wear no matter how cold it is)
13.The way son #2 is a con artist
14.The way son#1 still calls me mommy
15.The funny way that son #3 greets me with a "Hi, Mom," and a little wave every time he sees me
16.My online blogger friends
17.The way my husband kisses my head( for some reason it comforts me)
18.I know that I've mentioned this before, but I'm a sucker for GLITTER!
19.Inspirational quotes
20.Peanut butter, nutella, and banana sandwiches( Can you believe I love something food related? Yes, it's true!)
21.Exclamation marks!
22.Glee!
23.My newfound friend, the library
24.The jar of marbles that my boys collected when they were little
25.A smile from a stranger

To be continued...

In Control Of My Recovery

Hands lifted open to receive, or hands facing down to ground yourself. I learned this yesterday in yoga, and almost cried. How simply beautiful it is to sit in silence and choose what your needs are in the moment. Do you need to receive love, opening your heart, or do you need to ground yourself to this world with your presence in the now. Our needs are ever changing. I have to make an effort everyday not to split myself into two different selves, and not to separate myself from pain. I awoke early this morning from a nightmare, and would drift in and out of sleep with painful memories flashing in my mind. I had to drag myself out of bed, not wanting to face the day, or myself. I thought about what I could do to ground myself, and actually sat crossed legged, in the middle of my bathroom floor, palms facing down, and began to slowly inhale and exhale, focusing on emptying my mind. It is the first time that I have used my yoga practice outside of class, and it actually worked! It was very empowering to be able to meet my own needs, and now I feel confident that I can make it through today without a panic attack or dissociative episode. I don't think I've ever felt like I was truly in control of my recovery before now. When I left my nutritionist last night, she said, "You are doing good," and I said, "It feels strange!" I think I can get used to it:)

Fumbling Towards Ecstacy

I love this song, and the lyrics really speak to me at this point in my life. Enjoy!

All the fear has left me now
I’m not frightened anymore
It’s my heart that pounds beneath my flesh
It’s my mouth that pushes out this breath

And if I shed a tear I won’t cage it
I won’t fear love
And if I feel a rage I won’t deny it
I won’t fear love

Companion to our demons
They will dance, and we will play
With chairs, candles, and cloth
Making darkness in the day
It will be easy to look in or out
Upstream or down without a thought

And if I shed a tear I won’t cage it
I won’t fear love
And if I feel a rage I won’t deny it
I won’t fear love

Peace in the struggle
To find peace
Comfort on the way
To comfort

And if I shed a tear I won’t cage it
I won’t fear love
And if I feel a rage I won’t deny it
I won’t fear love
I won’t fear love
I won’t fear love...

On My Way

I had therapy last night, and see my nutritionist this evening. My therapsit wants me to add an ensure to my intake, but I don't feel like I can do it, or really want to do it. They are worried about the fact that I'm burning more calories than I'm taking in. I know this is true, but I'm trying to do this in a slow way. My weight has changed a bit, but really not that much, and certainly not enough to be concerned. They are also worried that as I see my weight and body change in a positive way, it will trigger me to become obsessive. Who me?...Obsessive? I understand the concern, and I am committed to getting to yoga five times a week, but only because it makes me feel so good. Yes, I want to see some positive changes in the way my body looks, but that is secondary to how I feel. I'm going to add more food, and I know that some people think that you have to jump right into a proper meal plan. That is what they make you do in treatment, but I think doing it that way was really hard on my digestive system. I had all kinds of problems when I returned. Right now I feel good. I have energy, and eat when I feel hungry, and I am actually feeling some hunger cues. I was starving after yoga last night, and ate a substantial amount of food. I try to stay away from getting and feeling full. I stop before that point, but I don't see anything wrong with that. For the most part though, my team loves seeing me happy and excited about life. My therapist gave me a big hug last night and said, "You are on your way."

Goodbye Fear

I sent my friend that I've been talking about an e-mail last week, but she hasn't replied, so I guess it is really over. I've been thinking about this a lot, and even if she decided that she wanted to be friends again, she has broken my trust in her. I would never feel like I could go to her if I were struggling. She is judging me, and I don't think that I can be friends with someone who does that. I would feel like I always had to be perfect and have no problems. Well, no one is perfect. We all make mistakes, and she hasn't been perfect in the relationship either. There have been times when she has hurt me, and I've never even said anything. She says that I'm self destructive, but there have and still are times when she also isn't so kind to her body. I've never nagged her to quit smoking which she has been doing since she was thirteen, even though she has many health concerns. It is not my place to judge her for her past mistakes or how she chooses to treat her body. I have come to accept that our friendship is over. I don't need friends who can only be there during the happy times. Well, there...that is my rant.

Other than the pain of dealing with that, I'm doing so well that it even surprises me! I'm eating better everyday. I may not eat three meals yet, but I'm having small snacks throughout the day, and then I have dinner. I think that yoga is saving my life. It has changed my outlook, and I'm feeling at peace with the decisions that I'm making for myself. The only complaint that I'm having is my sleep. It is not good, but when I take the sleep meds, I feel drowsy for the entire next day. I'm going to stop taking them or use them only if I can't sleep for days. The yoga is helping me to relax, and I was able to sleep last night without them, so maybe that trend will continue. Everything is changing, but for once I'm feeling good about it instead of being so afraid.

"All the fear has left me now. I'm not frightened anymore." ~Sarah Mclachlan

Releasing Emotions

I know that I have been writing a lot lately. I have so many good and positive things happening in my life, that I can't help but sharing them. It is a nice change from my depressing,and angst filled posts! I know that my last post was a bit like that, and sometimes I still get down, especially about losing a good friend, but besides that, I have so much joy and energy. I'm going to yoga at least five days a week, and I think I'm improving. My teacher even had me demonstrate a pose in front of the class yesterday. I felt a bit embarrassed, but it was a nice compliment. Work has been strange. In my morning class, the teacher was injured at school, and won't be back for awhile, maybe even the rest of the school year. Having substitute teachers is difficult because they really can't help out much. We are also short staffed most of the time, so I'm having to spread my time between two difficult students instead of the one that I usually have. Thursday I was so stressed out that I started to cry on the way to my afternoon school. It is hard to be hit and kicked without it affecting my emotions. Of course lately as happy as I am, I find myself crying a lot, which isn't like me. I usually hold my emotions inside for the most part. The release feels okay though, and not as overwhelming as I thought it would be to have my emotions so close to the surface all the time. Well, that is all for todays post. Wishing everyone a wonderful week:)

Riding The Waves

There is a weight residing behind my eyes, throbbing and heavy, and the grief sits on top of my chest. The sound of my heart rushes through my ears, as the heat rises to my face. I'm riding the waves of sorrow that pound against me, helpless to fight the tears. They come out of nowhere or build with my thoughts which I try to push aside with activities meant to keep me busy. Eventually I knew that I would lose. It had to happen sometime, only I thought I would lose myself. All that I ever wanted was to slip away to somewhere safe, away from my tormented mind and a past that lived in my nightmares. Now I bear the burden of guilt for all of those I have hurt by my actions. I never meant for anyone to get hurt. I only wanted to escape from my own pain, not cause pain. I couldn't save myself soon enough. Healing doesn't have a timetable. We all have to hit our own bottom, and mine was re-reading the suicide e-mail that I had sent to my therapist. It took two years to finally look at myself and come to terms with what I had done, and what I had done to the people who love me. I've tried so many ways to escape, but there really is no place like home. Now I have to figure out how to forgive myself, because I certainly haven't. If others are unable to forgive me, then how do I do it? I've punished myself enough and it really needs to stop, but I always feel as if I deserve what I get. I'm not used to sitting with all of these feelings because I've always used destructive behaviors to drown them out. So here I am...

A Letter To Myself

A Love Letter To Myself

This was an exercise to build self esteem, so I tried it. It felt a bit awkward to write this, but here it is anyway.

To Me,

For so long I've treated you with disdain,

like a stranger who resides in your own skin,

but you are not an empty shell.

You are passion and love,

creative and giving to others.

A past filled with pain has made you who you are,

and now you have empathy for those suffering.

You have gifts and talents that too often you hide.

Reach out and share!

I have watched you begin to bloom,

nurturing your body and mind.

You are always open to new ideas,

and although sometimes you fall,

you always find a way to rise up,

spreading your wings as if to take flight.

You are a survivor, and no longer a victim,

taking back your power, and standing strong.

Hold on to your tenacious spirit, and never give up.

I'm proud of who you are becoming.

You are not a reflection, but an awakening soul,

beautiful within, bright and shining with renewed hope.

I promise to love you always.

Forever,

Angela

My Wings Are Still Beating

I am having bouts of insomnia this week, and very restless when I do sleep. As a result a couple of people have been less than complimentary about my appearance. Someone actually said that I looked like death warmed over, and another just said that I looked tired. Both were men, of course!
This has been a rough week with the loss of a friend. It is hard not to think about it all of the time, and it has been making me feel like I'm a failure as a person. Sometimes I feel like I'm not good at anything. Work can get me down when a student has a bad day. I often take it on myself. It is difficult not to blame myself, although I know that the world doesn't revolve around me. I have talked here before about how I'm constantly apologizing for things that I really don't have any control over. I'm aware of this, and although what happened this week has been a sort of set back, I'm not allowing it to affect my eating or my yoga practice. I've still been going all week, even though I've been exhausted.
My food intake has been better. I'm allowing myself snacks here and there, and dinner has been consistant. Even with what happened, I'm getting through without taking it out on my body, and that gives me a sense of strength that I can handle whatever life throws at me. Friday we don't have school, so that is going to give me some time to get my haircut, and take an extra yoga class, since on Friday's they don't have any evening classes. This weekend will be busy. Saturday I'm going with my sons choir group, and we are going to Worlds Of Fun, which is an amusement park. I will be responsible for ten Jr. High students. It is supposed to be cold and rainy, but I'm still looking forward to it. Roman says that his friends love me, so that makes me feel good:-) Well, that is all I have to say at the moment. Wishing everyone a lovely weekend.

My Voice

"I will use my voice and not my body."

I have been thinking about this statement. When I use my body, what I'm trying to say is look at me, I need help. This was especially true at the beginning of the anorexia. I couldn't ask for help, or even admit that I needed help. I stopped eating and used my thinness as a cry for help. My mom was the one who confronted me after losing a significant amount of weight. At first I denied that there was a problem, but my husband jumped on board and insisted that I see a therapist. It took me over a year of therapy before I decided on my own to go into a treatment facility. I'm trying to use my voice, although it is difficult for me to do. I tend to say that I'm fine when anyone asks, and I still push people away at times. I think that what yoga is teaching me is to find strength in my body, which also creates a certain amount of strength in my voice. I'm using my body in a good way, as opposed to a destructive way. There is a pose that most people have heard of, and it is called childs pose. I posted a picture of it. When I do that pose it invokes a feeling of honoring the child that I was, acknowledging her pain, and finally being able to move on. I am moving on. I can feel the growth, and I'm beginning to see that I no longer need to use my body to get my needs met.

Half Way Through The Woods

"Sometimes people leave you half way through the woods." Into the Woods

I've lost my best friend that I have known since Jr. High. I'm devastated,and heartbroken. My drinking and illnesses have driven her away, and she says that she can no longer watch me self destruct. I've done some things that have hurt her, and she can't forgive me for them. It comes at a strange time, just as I'm getting a hold of my recovery, and starting to feel good about myself. It brings back the self doubt, and feelings that I'm a horrible person, and not good enough. She says that there is nothing that can change her mind, so I'm not even going to try. I thought that we had resolved our problems after a talk that we had a couple of months ago. I apologized for hurting her. She said that we could repair our relationship after that, but she feels our friendship is irreparable now. She kept cancelling plans that we had made, so I knew something was wrong, but I never thought she would end everything. She told me through facebook, and I'm hurt that she couldn't face me. My therapist often tells me that recovery can take up to ten years. I know that is a long time to stand by someone, and I often take two steps forward, and one step back. I've made mistakes in my life that I don't deny. I cried all day yesterday, but I know that I need to move on, and not let it affect all of the work that I've done in the past month. I will still use my new coping skills, and continue to move forward. That is all that I can do.

Bring Me Home

Bring Me Home

I know that I'm not easy
The past is haunting,
and I'm lost.
Always you find me
and bring me home
There are times when I'm paralyzed
empty and numb
The bitter winter drives me away
and there I go again
my mind is fragmented with pain
but the ground thaws
coming back to life
There is laughter surrounding me
wrapping me in the warmth of your arms
that hold me tight
I return
I am found
The darkness fades
and hands reach for me
bringing me toward light and love
I test and push,
but there you are
Always you find me
and bring me home

Angela Minard 2011©

Positives For The Week...

It has been a long week at work. My kiddos with autism challenge me daily, and yet I also learn so much from them. There are days that it is rewarding, and days when I'm discouraged, but I still love it. Sometimes the adults that I work with are more difficult than the students! I'm glad that it is Friday. I'm looking forward to my yoga classes this weekend, and just enjoying the warmer weather. I have had some successes with food this week, which is very encouraging. I ate a flatbread sandwich at Subway this afternoon. I rarely eat fast food because it scares me, but I got a veggie sandwich and all was good:-) The boys wanted pizza for dinner, so I also has a piece of pizza. Two meals in one day, and all fast food none the less. Go me! I have been feeling fairly positive about myself all in all, and when the negative thoughts creep in, I try to reframe them. I can't believe that something as simple as yoga could change things for me, but I think the whole philosophy and attitude of nurturing yourself and your body is so helpful for me. Victor, who is one of the instructors came over to me after class one day while I was rolling up my mat. He asked me to sit and talk with him for a minute. He asked why I was there, and I kind of told him a bit of my story. He told me that his wife, who is also one of the instructors, was a recovered anorexic, and something told him that I had issues with how I felt about my body. He comes over and adjusts my poses sometimes, and tells me to relax, and not too think too much about if I'm doing it right. He told his wife about me, and encouraged me to take one of her classes, so that is what I'm going to do tomorrow. Well, that is a bit about my week. I'm wishing everyone a fabulous weekend :)

Needy

Therapy last night was intense. First off, I found out that my therapist had been in the hospital over the weekend with vertigo. She still wasn't doing well yesterday, which made me worry. She said that all the tests they ran showed that she is in excellent health, so I'm trying not to worry too much. I hate being needy, but I'm so afraid of losing the people that I care about. I know that everyone feels this way, and that it's not exclusive to me, but I feel like I need more assurance that no one is going anywhere. I'm especially this way with my husband. I think because I was so close to losing him, the fear is always right below the surface. We talked about this last night, and I almost broke down. The therapist/patient relationship is a strange one. I wish that I wasn't so attached, but how is it possible to share everything that I have without some kind of bond. I also know that the time is going to come when I actually don't need her anymore, and as much as I want to get better, that thought makes me sad. My therapist says that when the time comes for me to move on, it won't be so hard. I hope that she is right! Other than that, today I'm feeling so much better. I slept well last night, and my day so far is going great. I see my nutritionist tonight, and I'm excited to tell her that I ate chicken enchiladas last night for dinner. I'm trying to do more than the oatmeal. I'm doing better at listening to my hunger cues, but I'm still having a hard time eating more than once a day. Once this week, I did eat lunch and dinner. I'm seeing small improvements every week. Where I am at the moment feels good:)

Stronger Everyday

I had a really horrible night last evening with flashbacks and racing thoughts, and I have no idea what brought it all on. I went to yoga last night, came home, put on my p.j.'s, and settled in with my husband for some snuggles on the couch. Everything was fine, I dozed off, and then when I woke up, everything just felt wrong. I was disoriented, and when I tried to go back to sleep, I started having flashbacks. I did some breathing exercises, and that helped to get rid of the flashbacks, but I then moved into the racing thoughts about work, and every other worry that my mind could grab a hold of. I took my sleeping meds around 12:30, but today I'm so exhausted that I can barely think straight. Off and on I feel like crying, and I have therapy this evening. I have a feeling it is going to be a rough session because I'm so emotional today. Sometimes those are the best sessions though, because my therapist can help me to sort through everything that is going on in my head. I talked in my last post about crying after my yoga classes, and it is like a wave of sadness washes over me out of nowhere. I'm struck by how much it hurts, and yet I'm also surprised by the fact that I can withstand it. I always thought that maybe I couldn't handle it, but the realization that I actually can, and nothing bad is going to happen makes me feel a little bit stronger everyday.

Slow And Steady

This is my second week of yoga, and I love it so much! I alternate between a yoga basics class and a deep stretch class. It is amazing how connected I feel to my body with the slow movements combined with deep breathing. My mind becomes so focused on the movements that everything else that I'm thinking about falls away. A few times after class, I have barely made it to my car, and then burst into tears. I understand the emotion, because I'm not used to the connection, but I tend to want to move past it quickly, pushing myself away from the feelings. They are coming out anyway though, and it is okay...my world isn't falling apart. I find myself worrying less over the small, unimportant details, and I'm much more relaxed. I also slept like a baby last night without my anti-anxiety medication, which I take as needed. I'm a poor judge of how well I'm doing with food, but I have been trying to listen to my body. I went home for lunch today and made myself a sandwich because I was hungry. I'm trying to honor that as much as possible, but my hunger cues aren't all that reliable, and also I have the battle of the eating disorder going on in my head. If that sounds like excuses, it probably is, but I'm also trying to be kind to myself, and something tells me that I need to take all of this slow and steady, so that is what I'm going to do.