The 1000 Journals Project

"The 1000 Journals Project is an ongoing collaborative experiment attempting to follow 1000 journals throughout their travels. The goal is to provide a method for interaction and shared creativity among friends and strangers. Those who find the journals add something to them. A story, drawing, photograph, anything really. Then they pass the journal along, to a friend or stranger, and the adventure continues." For more information about the book or documentary, go to http://1000journals.com
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I thought that this was such a wonderful idea, especially for survivors of sexual abuse. So many of us keep our abuse a secret, but there is such freedom in breaking the silence. I kept my secret for almost thirty years, until it began to eat away at my soul. What I could not say out loud, I was able to write. I wrote every detail and memory that I could think of, and then I gave it to my therapist to read. Eventually I was able to talk about what had happened to me, and the more that I could talk about it, the less power it had over my life.
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I started a journal for survivors of sexual abuse to share their story, poetry, and artwork. This will be an ongoing project, with the journal circulating throughout the country. There is such power in breaking the silence. If you would like to sign up to receive the journal, there are five spaces open at the moment. Go to http://1001journals.com and sign up for journal #2800.
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Building The Ark Is On Hold For Now

Ahhhh... Sweet sunshine! I feel excitement about this day for no particular reason whatsoever, and that in itself, makes me smile. It doesn’t really take much to make me happy. Just a little sunshine. I accomplished quite a bit around the house during the days of rain, so today I feel free to do whatever I damn well please! I’m not sure what that will be at the moment, but at least I know that I won’t have to get started on building that ark like I thought that I would. I will just see where this day takes me. I see my therapist and my nutritionist later this afternoon. I have been following my meal plan, and have even been able to incorporate some "fun foods" into my week, like candy at the movies, and jalapeno poppers, which I really love!

Did I hear somebody ask what I have been knitting lately? Well, I just finished a light and airy white scarf for spring, and yesterday I started working on a purple chenille throw for the living room. Thanks for asking!

Well, I’m off to start my day and cause some trouble here and there.

Let’s all make it fabulous!

More On Change

Navigating Through Change

Dave and I have a couples therapy session this morning, and here I am in the early morning hours, trying to form full thoughts, and piece together in my mind exactly what it is that I want to say when I get in there. I so often feel like our relationship is that of parent/child, not husband/wife, and trying to figure out all of the reasons why I feel that way. Maybe it is the lack of freedom that I feel. Having to account for every single thing that I do, where I go, every penny that I spend, how I spend and manage my time. Having to give reasons for all of that, and feeling like those reasons are never good enough. Dave has said that I am not who he married, and I wonder what it is that he misses. He fears that he is losing me, just when I have finally found me. None of this probably makes any sense, but I have faith that we will find our way, and really, that is all that matters. Maybe it is in this process of growth and change that I feel the need to fight for freedom.

She Whispers

I've eaten well this week, and I tell myself that this is good, but still... I am afraid. I'm afraid to get undressed, to take a shower, to look at or even touch my body in any way. Claudia's voice whispers. It is an angry, hissing whisper, which tells me; she too, is filled with fear.

Marya Hornbacher, author of the book Wasted says, "The voice of the eating disorder is stronger than any other voice in the world. I can only imagine, but it's got to be like the call of heroin, or alcohol, if you're an alcoholic or an addict. You will put aside everyone and everything, you will do exactly what you know is not right, for this voice. I called my eating disorder "The Bitch". She sort of sat on my shoulder and hissed in my ear. I mean, this is not hallucinating that there's someone on my shoulder hissing in my ear. But it really does feel like there is someone always behind you, watching what you do."

I agree. The voice of my eating disorder is strong, but there is also my voice, and it says, "I am stronger".

Finding Peace

This week has been filled with peace and contentment, along with sorrow and loss. The peace has come with the beginnings of acceptence and nurturing myself. In therapy, we have been talking about the ways in which I use my eating disorder to communicate. I use it to say,"take care of me, pay attention to me, leave me alone, listen to me..." I thought that it gave me power and control over my life, but all that it really gave me was a place to hide. Peeking out from behind the safety of my fortress, I'm daring myself to take some risks, and learning that my voice alone is strong enough to be heard. Even the sorrow and loss that I have felt has been different. It was different once I could accept it without the secret hope that I could go back and change it. The sadness is part of the past, and has nothing to do with the life that I am presently living, and when I can remind myself of that very basic fact, I am filled with peace.

Living In The Moment

It was a beautiful day spent with people who make me smile.
I love this girl!

Secrets

I would literally squeeze my eyes closed as tightly as I could and count to ten when the memories would threaten to creep in. Sometimes the flashing images in the darkness would buzz so loudly in my ears, and I would have to get away, seperating from myself once again. It is the child who can will their own escape; Drifting dreamless, until the fear finds a secret place to hide.

The darkest secrets,
living in silence,
will suffocate your soul.
Freedom speaks.

Conversations With Claudia/ How Writing Has Saved Me

I started a blog on myspace almost a year ago, titled Conversations With Claudia, and this was my first post.


Who is Claudia? She is not my friend, but she has been a part of my life for a very long time. She is the voice of my eating disorder. A voice that over time, has crowded out my own thoughts and beliefs. I'm hoping that someday I will leave her behind.
I have an amazing therapist and also a nutritionist who thought it would be a good idea to give my eating disorder a seperate identity from myself. It would be a way to delineate between my own voice and the voice of the eating disorder. I'm finally beginning to see how often Claudia talks to me. She is bossy, demanding, snide, snotty, and degrading. She is also the one with the control most of the time, but I know that needs to change if I am to survive.
I remember the first time she spoke to me. I was seven years old, sitting in church, and looking down at my thighs as I sat in the pew. "Your legs are so fat,"! She said.
Why did she choose that moment to begin her torment? I'm not really sure. My mom, grandma, and two aunts were constantly dieting and discussing their weight. I'm sure that their conversations wormed their way into what I began to also believe about myself.
Being raped at the age of eleven was the real beginning of my self loathing and hatred. A secret that I held inside, suffocating my voice, and letting the shame eat me alive. Puberty began soon after, and with it, the ultimate betrayal of my own body.
I'm hoping that writing down some of the conversations that I have with Claudia will help me to find my own voice, and hopefully, someday, my voice will be louder than hers.


It feels wonderful to read this again, just to see how far I have come. Is my voice louder than the voice of Claudia's? Yes, I think it is, and damn, it feels good! I believe that the writing saved me. I began writing blogs, writing poetry, writing in my journal, writing my thoughts in e-mails to my therapist. I couldn't seem to stop writing, and more than that, I felt such a strong desire to share what I had written. First with my therapist, who encouraged me with compliments on the poetry that I would share with her. I created a website with my poems, www.poetrypoem.com/4angel , and then I started blogging; Sharing with strangers about things that I had kept secret for most of my life. Through writing, I found the freedom to unlock the silence, and begin the process of healing.

Silent Boy

Happy Birthday Logan.
I love you more than words can ever say!


Silent Boy

Silent boy,
eyes so blue,
let me see
inside of you.
All of the times
you look away.
I know you have
so much to say.
It's not fair,
locked inside.
You can't find
the words sometimes.
Expectations...
Demands are made.
Thoughts get stuck
inside your brain.
Reach out your hand.
Feel the heart
we could share.

Trust...
Believe...

Always
yearning to hear
the sound of your dreams.

Angela Minard 2007

Just Let Go

Last night's therapy session was one of the best that I have ever had. I'm feeling very excited and hopeful right now. We talked about the reasons for holding on to my eating disorder and what purpose it is serving me at this point. I don't need it to help me cope with the rape anymore. I was having a hard time seeing the eating disorder and the rape as seperate entities; believing that the rape was the only reason for my eating disorder, but it is not. For a long time I also used it as a way to feel superior, and that is a very hard thing to have to admit to myself. In my mind, being fat meant not being good enough, and I felt like I was good at nothing. It gave me a false sense of power, and was the only special gift that I believed I could truly possess. So why am I still hanging on to it now? Those are no longer my beliefs. They are just old ideas that no longer serve a purpose, and it sounds so simple, but my therapist said, "So maybe now you can think about letting it go." Yes, I think... maybe I can... just let go.

You Are Not Alone

Publishing update: I just found out that the poem Together We Are Strong is going to be published in the You Are Not Alone newsletter this month. Also two of my poems are being published in the book You Are Not Alone vol. 2, which is coming later in 2008.
It will consist of a book filled with stories, poems and artwork from women who are either recovered or in recovery, as well as a companion CD, which includes eating disorder recovery support songs.
Profits are donated to eating disorder non profits organizations to help and support those struggling with eating disorders and to raise awareness. For more information, go to http://www.youarenotalonebook.com/

What Is Your Life's Purpose?

I woke up this morning feeling angry, although I'm not really sure why. Maybe as I type, I will figure it out. Yesterday I came home from work and watched Oprah's webcast class with Eckhart Tolle, who wrote the book A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose. A friend of mine is giving me the book this morning, and I'm really excited to start reading it. Who doesn't want to know what their life's purpose is? It sounds like the perfect book for me to be reading right now. I think that is what my therapist was getting at when she asked me to think of living my life without an eating disorder, but I just don't know how to do that quite yet. Right now, that is like asking me to imagine living my life as a blind woman. I'm still getting used to the idea, and feeling it out, but still afraid to let go of it completely.
Last night Dave was mad at me because I didn't sit down to dinner and eat with the family. He has every right to be upset with me, but for some reason, I just couldn't do it last night. I think that it is because yesterday I had a flashback while I was at work, and it made me feel really out of control. I just felt this strong desire last night to hold on to what I could control. Maybe that is where the anger is coming from this morning. Flashbacks stress me out and make me angry. I feel like I need to release all of this pent up aggression without taking it out on myself or family.
Well, I'm off to get ready for work. I have therapy this evening, so there will be much to talk about. I'm sure that I will have more thoughts to share later;)

Imagine

Last week my therapist asked me to try to imagine what my life would look like if I no longer had an eating disorder. What would be different? For awhile, my mind was stuck on a different question. What would my life look like if I had never been raped? I probably wouldn't have an eating disorder. I wouldn't be me. Am I afraid of losing me...or finding me? I don't know what I want my life to look like. Right now, I'm just trying to get through the pain. I want to get through a week without the empty, blank spaces of time that steal the present. I want to cry, and be angry, and cry some more. I want to know that what happened to me mattered. That I matter. Otherwise, what was the purpose of lifting the silence?

Together We Are Strong

This photograph was taken by a beautiful and courageous woman that I met while I was in treatment for an eating disorder at Renfrew. She also ended up becoming my roommate, and a friend that I will always cherish. She took this picture during a phototherapy class we were taking. For me it symbolizes reaching out for help. I struggled for so long, believing that it was a weakness to ask for help, but it takes courage to admit you are flailing. Often times we feel alone with our pain and shame, thinking no one will understand what we are going through. When I arrived at Renfrew, and met so many women like me, looking into their eyes, sharing their tears; they gave me so much hope and courage. Together we gained strength, and I will never forget any of them.


Together We Are Strong

Arriving alone
shaken and scared
it didn't take long
for your hands
to be there
Reaching out
through the pain
Holding on
to all who came
And together
we were strong
Each voice shared
a different song
We grew in strength
in our own time
With helping hands
we could choose to fly
There are times
when I falter,
fearing that I may fall
I remember those hands
when I'm feeling small
And together
we are strong.

Angela Minard 2008

New York Times Article~ Drunkorexia~

I want to thank my friend Dana for sending me this article. There were so many women that I was in treatment with, especially college age young women, who were really struggling with alcohol abuse. I myself, am one of them.

~Starving Themselves, Cocktail in Hand~
The latest entry in the lexicon of food-related ills is drunkorexia, shorthand for a disturbing blend of behaviors: self-imposed starvation or bingeing and purging, combined with alcohol abuse.
Drunkorexia is not an official medical term. But it hints at a troubling phenomenon in addiction and eating disorders. Among those who are described as drunkorexics are college-age binge drinkers, typically women, who starve all day to offset the calories in the alcohol they consume. The term is also associated with serious eating disorders, particularly bulimia, which often involve behavior like bingeing on food — and alcohol — and then purging.
Anorexics, because they severely restrict their calorie intake, tend to avoid alcohol. But some drink to calm down before eating or to ease the anxiety of having indulged in a meal. Others consume alcohol as their only sustenance. Still others use drugs like cocaine and methamphetamine to suppress their appetites.
“There are women who are afraid to put a grape in their mouth but have no problem drinking a beer,” said Douglas Bunnell, the director of outpatient clinical services for the Renfrew Center, based in Philadelphia.
The center, like a small but growing number of eating-disorder and addiction-treatment facilities, most on the West Coast, offers a dual focus on substance abuse and eating disorders.
Dr. Bunnell, the past president of the National Eating Disorders Association, said the obsession with being skinny and the social acceptance of drinking and using drugs — along with the sense, lately, that among celebrities, checking into rehab is almost a given, if not downright chic — are partly to blame.
“Both disorders are behaviors that are glorified and reinforced,” Dr. Bunnell said. “Binge drinking is almost cool and hip, and losing weight and being thin is a cultural imperative for young women in America. Mixing both is not surprising, and it has reached a tipping point in terms of public awareness.”
Psychologists say that eating disorders, like other addictions, are often rooted in the need to numb emotional pain with substances or the rush provided by bingeing and purging. The disorders are often driven by childhood trauma like sexual abuse, neglect and other sources of mental anguish.
Manorexia is the male version of anorexia. Orthorexia is an obsession with what is perceived as healthy food — eliminating fats and preservatives, for example. But people with this condition can dangerously deprive themselves of needed nutrients.
Diabulimia refers to diabetics who avoid taking insulin, which can cause weight gain, in order to control their weight. Despite the name, the disorder does not typically involve purging.
Binge Eating Disorder refers to obsessive overeating, especially of foods high in salt and sugar, that does not involve excessive exercise or purging to compensate for the high caloric intake.
Judy Van De Veen, 36, who lives in Gillette, N.J., became anorexic at 24. She said she starved herself, meting out small bites of low-calorie food for two months. Then she began bingeing and purging, throwing up entire boxes of cereal, whole pizzas and fast food from drive-throughs that sometimes cost her $80 a day.
She went into treatment, both inpatient and outpatient, for her eating disorder for several years in the late 1990s, with mixed results. In 2001, still struggling with bulimia, she took up drinking. If she ate while drinking, she said, she would purge, but then consume more alcohol to make up for the loss, because she wanted to remain drunk.
Many bulimics who drink use alcohol to vomit, experts on eating disorders say, because liquid is easier to purge. They also tend to vomit because they often drink on empty stomachs.
“In the beginning of my eating disorder I wouldn’t touch alcohol because it is so high in calories,” said Ms. Van De Veen, who later found herself regularly hospitalized for dehydration. “But I have the disease of more: I just want more no matter what it is.”
Two years into her drinking problem, she joined a 12-step program. She spent the next two years in and out of six residential rehab programs, spending about $25,000 of her own money because she didn’t have health insurance. But none of the programs were equipped to address eating disorders, so she binged and purged and her eating disorder raged.
Ms. Van De Veen said she has been sober for three years, but is still struggling with bulimia. She now has a 14-month-old daughter, Cheyenne, and she said that her pregnancy and support groups had helped her make progress on her eating disorder.
“I had an excuse to eat,” she said of being pregnant. “I didn’t care and I loved it.”
But she said the temptation to binge and purge is haunting her again.
Trish, 27, who has had an eating disorder for the last 10 years, recently checked into Renfrew, her fifth stint in a treatment center or hospital.
Like Ms. Van De Veen, Trish, who agreed to be interviewed on the condition that only her first name be used to protect her privacy, struggled with anorexia first and then found alcohol. Before she was admitted to Renfrew, she said she was blacking out from lack of food and suffering from excruciating stomach pain.
Trish, a nurse who lives in Ohio and works with cardiac patients, said she would starve herself through her 8- or 12-hour shifts, staring at the clock and fixating on when she could have her first drink. Drinking, she said, relaxed her when she had to eat in front of other people, a huge source of stress. “The alcohol is probably what kept any weight on me,” she said in an interview late last month at the Renfrew Center, which she entered on New Year’s Eve for eight weeks of treatment.
“Drinking helped me be less anxious,” she said. “It helped me be more of Trish. The two go together: If I drink more, I’m more into my eating disorder and vice versa.”
Studies show that binge drinking and alcohol abuse are on the rise among women, who are also more prone than men to eating disorders.
About 25 to 33 percent of bulimics also struggle with alcohol or drugs, according to a study published last year in the journal Biological Psychiatry. Between 20 and 25 percent of anorexics have substance abuse problems, the study found.
A growing number of researchers are examining the psychological and neurological links between eating disorders and substance abuse: Does eating a chocolate bar, or bingeing and purging, stimulate the same pleasure centers in the brain as drugs or alcohol?
Suzette M. Evans, a professor of clinical neuroscience at Columbia, recently began a study of the connection between bulimia and substance abuse, a field she said has been neglected.
“People are finally beginning to realize that food can function in the same way as drugs and alcohol,” Dr. Evans said.
As more patients seek treatment for both eating disorders and substance abuse, a complicated set of mixed messages can arise. The response to addiction is abstinence; but quitting food is not an option.
“We’re trying to get our patients to find effective behaviors and life skills,” said Dr. Kevin Wandler, the vice president for medical services at Remuda Ranch, which addresses both eating disorders and addiction at its facilities in Arizona and Virginia.
“Eating normally would be an effective behavior, but it’s easier to give up alcohol and drugs because you never need it again,” Dr. Wandler said. “If your drug is food, that’s a challenge.”
Trish left Renfrew on Feb. 22, after her second time in treatment there. She was determined, she said, to break her obsessions with weight, food and alcohol. Before she checked in, “I didn’t even have the energy to laugh,” she said. But as she prepared to go home, she had more hope than she has had in years.
“I will not live my life like this,” she said. “I’ve learned this time not to be ashamed. I want to love myself and I want to forgive myself.”

* The New York Times
Article written by Sarah Kershaw

A Simple Thing

A Simple Thing

The sun shines
Warms the earth
Such a simple thing
to smile inside
Warms the heart
with gratitude
for spring's arrival
Such a simple thing

Angela Minard 2008

The End Of A Crazy Work Week

Ahhhh!!! The end of a crazy work week! There has been so much tension between staff members, and entirely too much drama for me. It makes me very uncomfortable when people can't get along. Especially when it is adults behaving like children. I'm looking forward to a peaceful weekend with my family. Dave and I just returned from our Friday evening Sam's Club date to stock up on groceries. We are in dire need of a "real" date night. We haven't been out by ourselves since before I left for Renfrew. We were supposed to go out tomorrow night, but Roman's basketball party was scheduled for that night, so hopefully we can go out next weekend. We rented a movie for tonight, and I'm already wrapped up in the new quilt that my awesome friend, Theresa made for me. Time to relax!

~Silence Screams~Unlock The Silence!

Every two minutes, somewhere in America, someone is sexually assaulted. One in six American women are victims of sexual assault, and one in 33 men. In 2005-2006, there were an average annual 232,010 victims of rape, attempted rape or sexual assault. About 44% of rape victims are under age 18, and 80% are under age 30. Rapes are still not being reported. The National Crime Victimization Survey includes statistics on reported and unreported crimes in America. Sexual assault is one of the most underreported crimes, with more than half still being left unreported. Utilizing services such as The National Sexual Assault Hotline can help encourage victims to get help and report what has happened to them so that more perpetrators can be brought to justice.


Silence Screams

The night, she saves
her silent screams
for awakening children
from their dreams
Shivering through
the empty streets
Hiding fright
in their shadows
of crimson
Comes the light
to sleep the day away
and beg the darkness
to fade
Her memories lie
in the shade
of the silent screams
she has saved

Angela Minard 2008

Spring Fever

I'm not sure what is going on with me lately. I feel so restless and dissatisfied. Maybe it is just spring fever. It has been a rough few weeks at work, and everything is just now coming to a head. All that I can really say is that school politics and dealing with adults is the most difficult part of my job. Thankfully the kids make it all worth while. There are only two more weeks until spring break, so I'm sure that I can make it through. Another thing that is bringing me down is this endless winter that we are having here in Kansas. It snowed again last night, and today was so cold and windy. It was actually painful to be outside. I don't even want to get out of bed in the morning, so I lie there until the last possible minute, and then rush around, trying to get out of the house on time. It is not the best way to start the day, and I know this, so tomorrow, I WILL get my ass out of bed! When I don't get up on time, then no one around here gets up on time. It just makes for an ugly morning all the way around. Nothing seems worth the effort, and that is such a bad attitude to have. I must work on this! Okay, enough of this complaining and whining. Moving on...

I'm still knitting lots of scarves. I just finished one for a student of mine. It is bright orange, pink, and lavender. The next thing I'm going to knit is a purse. A friend of mine knit one for herself, and it is so cute. I need to start moving past the scarves, because after all, winter will be over soon.
I just have to believe.

My latest scarf.

Happy Birthday, Mom!

I Love You!!!

Mother And Son Movie Night

Roman and I in our scarfs.
Last night I went to Mother-Son movie night at Roman's school. Every year they host a movie night, where they serve pizza, and then there is a choice of four different movies to watch. We then go cram into a classroom, sit on the floor, and watch the movie. This year we watched Transformers. At least this year, Roman actually sat with me. Last year we walked into the school, he found his friends, and I never saw him again! We had a good time, and I finished knitting his scarf while I was watching the movie. He was so happy that it was finished. This morning when he came down for breakfast, he had it wrapped around his neck. He had slept with it on all night.

My Baby!

This morning we went to watch Roman play in his basketball tournament. He did a great job, and scored two baskets. His team won the game, so he will also be playing tomorrow. Way to go Vipers!

It has been a really enjoyable day. This afternoon I snuggled up with Dave in the big leather chair and fell asleep for awhile. I love to snuggle and snooze! Other than that, not much going on. It is still very cold here, but is supposed to warm up some tomorrow.Tonight we are all going to stay cozy and warm here at home, and probably watch a movie.
Hope everyone has a wonderful evening!
Much love,

Angie

National Eating Disorder Awareness Week

"Be comfortable in your genes. Wear jeans that fit the REAL you." That is the central theme for the National Eating Disorder Association's (NEDA) 20th annual Eating Disorder Awareness Week (EDAW). From February 25 - March 3, 2007, NEDA and other eating disorder support and advocacy groups nationwide, will go public to spread the frightening truth about eating disorders. In a very important technological first, NEDA this year takes EDAW to the web, through its own myspace.neda page, inviting internet savvy youth to read and post stories, questions, and more on the NEDA eating disorder blog.

Poor body image and the endless cycle of dieting are things that many individuals struggle with at some point in their lives. For some, negative body image can trigger a downward spiral into unsafe dieting methods and unhealthy behaviors, resulting in a full blown eating disorder. For years, NEDA has promoted positive body image with its Great Jeans Giveaway, encouraging women - and more recently, men - to accept their real genes and their true body size by donating those never-to-be-worn-again too-small jeans.

Ongoing eating disorder research, highlighted on NEDA's web site (www.natonaleatingdisorders.org) continues to show that body size and shape are strongly influenced by biological factors. Influenced by polished fashion magazines, weight loss pills, and shelves of dieting books, many of us struggle against our natural, genetically-influenced size, determined to fit back into that pair of "skinny jeans." Fighting natural size and shape can lead to unhealthy dieting practices, poor body image, and sometimes to eating disorders. NEDA and research confirm that while each of us can work to adopt a healthy lifestyle and aim to be fit for our particular body type, we cannot change our genes.

Recovery Questions

So many questions in my mind regarding recovery. I just returned from seeing my nutritionist, and talking about the struggles that I'm having with following my meal plan. I was inpatient for 30 days. Not long enough to trust that my meal plan will not make me gain a significant amount of weight. Bottom line is that I haven't been trusting my meal plan. Consequently, since I have returned from Renfrew, I have gradually been losing weight. I'm clueless as to what that weight is...it doesn't really matter. What is so frustrating is that I truly don't see it. In fact, I could have sworn that I've been gaining weight. There are many other questions and worries. One is that although I have asked my family to intervene if it looks like I'm going to skip a meal, I'm really only eating if they insist that I come to the table. I'm having a hard time doing it on my own. I'm still not in recovery for myself. I want it for my kids, my husband...anyway, all that matters at this point is that I want it. I would like to want it for myself, but maybe that will come with time.

What Have I Done?

What have I done with my day off? (Thanks for asking!)

~President's Day 2008~

1. Awoke at 10:30 a.m.
2. Grabbed a big ass cup of coffee
3. Said, "Damn, these Kellogg's cereal straws are wicked good for sucking up my big ass cup of coffee." (the inside is coated with chocolate, and the heat of the coffee melts it while you suck, so how can that be a bad thing?)

4. Talked to my mom on the phone for over an hour. (She lives in Florida, and just returned from an island cruise, while I'm freezing my ass off here in Kansas! Whatever!!!!)
5. Contemplated eating lunch while drinking a Diet Coke.
6. Finished knitting my husband's scarf. He is going to kill me. (See pic below)

7. Laundry
8. Listened to Broadway showtunes while still in my pajamas.
9. Knitting( scarf for Roman, and one for myself.)
10. Contemplating dinner while drinking a Diet Coke.
11. Still listening to showtunes, and blogging about my super exciting day.

The Tears Of Winter

The Tears Of Winter

The snow floats
gently to the ground
collecting along the cracks
in the pavement
Sticking stubbornly
to the lashes of downcast eyes
Melting, mingling
with tears
waiting for so long
to be shed.
Embrace these sorrowful days
of winter's frozen heart

Angela Minard 2008

Blogging Out Of Boredom

Today I'm just doing a little cleaning, a lot of laundry, and of course, knitting.Right now I'm working on a thin, fuzzy scarf. The yarn is so soft, in shades of pink, grey, and green. I have three scarfs going at the same time. When I get bored with one, I just move on to a different one. I'm trying to keep my mind calm, and the knitting helps. The past few days have been spent with Dave and the boys. I'm so thankful that my kids get along with each other, and enjoy spending time together. It would be one ugly winter right now if they didn't! It is still so cold, grey, and gloomy here, and tomorrow we are supposed to get some snow. Roman has a basketball game, so hopefully the weather won't be too ugly. This winter just feels endless.

C'mon spring!

Too Much

Sometimes it all is too much
Too much to feel
Reaching out
You try to hold on
when the world has let go
of your hand
So you stand
on the edge of the earth
Looking down
Too much is lost
and can never be found
The time's finally come...
so you say your goodbyes
and you fly


Angela Minard 2008

It's Not Too Late

Falling

Wednesday evening, before I saw my therapist, I stopped at the liquor store and bought a six pack of Mike & Ike's Hard Cranberry Lemonade, and proceeded to drink all of them throughout the rest of the night. Why? I don't really know. I made a concious choice that day, not to eat, and instead, to drink. I was feeling so tired of all of the anxiety that I had been feeling. I just wanted not to feel it anymore, so I took the easy way out. Now though, all that I feel is disappointment and shame. I talked to my therapist the next day, and told her that I had been drinking. She said that this is the part of recovery when the eating disorder really kicks in, hanging on for dear life, and that is where my obsession with weight, calories, and restriction is coming from. Through each part of the recovery process, I have been saying to myself, "This is the scariest part", and then something scarier comes along. I'm just so tired. I want to give up, but I'm afraid to give up. Nothing is making much sense. My therapist is out of town this week, and I feel lost just knowing that she is not nearby. I feel very dependent upon her right now, and it is hard not to turn that into feelings of abandonment. Especially when I feel like I deserve for everyone to leave me. I know that Dave is disappointed in me. I'm worthless,I let everyone down, and that makes it so easy to want to give up on myself. So, how do I pick myself back up when I have fallen? In the words of my therapist,"There is no such thing as perfection in recovery." I know this, and yet...I know that I must say no to giving up. That is not me. Stumbling is allowed, it just always takes me by surprise.

Help Along The Way

Ugh! I'm really struggling through my meals. It is so frustrating, but I'm doing as much as I can. I'm just feeling so anxious after I eat. I see my therapist and nutritionist tomorrow, so hopefully between all of us, we can figure out why. I feel like I am trying to deal with my emotions, but maybe this is my way of trying to avoid them and I don't realize it because it is so familiar. I don't know if that even makes sense, but anyway...I can't sleep, so here I am. I know that I will be able to work through it, and I'm trying to remember that I have come a long way. I have had these eating disordered thoughts for half of my life, so I realize that it is going to take time. I was able to talk to Dave tonight at dinner. He could see that I was having a difficult time, and helped talk me through it. Not that long ago it would have been too hard for me to accept the help, but now, I am just grateful for his patience and support. I will take all of the help that I can get, and that is just one more step in the right direction.

There! That was a little pep talk to myself:)
Now I must try to get some sleep.

~Peace~

Obsessive Thoughts And Fears

I have been really frustrated over the past few days about my obsession with weight, calories, and restricting. I feel like it is a body image thing... That if I was happier with the body that I see when I looked into the mirror...but then I remember that even when I'm dangerously underweight...I'm not happy. My eyes cannot seem to recognize the truth, so do I just stop looking? Yet even if I stopped looking...I can feel it...the feeling that I'm taking up an ungodly amount of space, and it feels so uncomfortable and disgusting. I hate those feelings, but I know that restricting doesn't banish them...so I just sit with the feelings...and wait...and hope for recovery. I feel sometimes as if I am spilling out all over the place. I worry any time my husband hugs me, touches my waist, my hips... I worry when I dry my pants and put them on....it's an ongoing battle in my head.I think that is what gets to me. That I am always so damn conscious of my body. I think that it is part of not wanting to feel. I don't want to feel so connected to my body. I need to stop thinking of my own body as the enemy, waiting for it to betray me. I hope for a time in my life to be free of these obsessive thoughts, worries, and fears, and yes... I question whether it is even possible for me. Maybe for others, but what if... not for me? I suppose that is what I am truly afraid of. The fear that I will never be free.

Wise Gladys

I need to be getting ready for work, but Christian used all of the hot water for his shower, so I'm waiting...and writing.
I'm feeling melancholy at the moment because I just read that Polly Williams from the HBO documentary THIN passed away. She was one of the women suffering from anorexia that was featured in the documentary filmed at The Renfrew Center in Florida. It makes me think of all of the wonderful women that I met while I was there, and who among us will die from our eating disorder. I want to go back and hug them all one more time. I want to tell them what Gladys, one of the wise staff members at Renfrew told me as she hugged me goodbye. She said, with her Jamaican accent, "No more of this bullshit, Angie."

May you finally rest in peace, Polly.

Rock Steady

Ahhh! A cloudless, clear blue sky, and sunshine! I desperately needed some sunlight, and finally, here it is. I'm filled with hope, energy, and happiness today, with just an overall sense of peace. I'm not really sure what I am going to do with this day, but even if it is just cleaning the house, I am going to make the choice to do it with joy. In one of the group sessions at Renfrew, we talked about how we can make a concious decision to approach everything we do with a positive attitude, even the mundane chores of daily life, and how much that can impact the quality of our lives. Of course, that is so much easier on a sunny day! Sometimes I get down because I feel like there is nothing exciting to look forward to. Day after day, the same boring routine, and I think, to tell you the truth, that I'm just not used to it. Since Dave and I have been married, it has always been one thing after another. The birth of our sons, new homes, dealing with a child diagnosed with autism, Dave's brain tumor surgeries, my eating disorder and abuse issues... My life is steady and normal right now, and it just feels strange. It is almost as if I'm afraid to enjoy the calm too much, for fear of losing it. My ongoing battle to enjoy the moment. Today I will strive.

Frozen

I am off of work today, and also have next Thursday, Friday, and the following Monday off due to student conferences. Yipee! I plan on trying to thaw myself out of these winter blues in which I have been frozen. I e-mailed my therapist about my isolation, and she said, "the need to isolate often comes when strength initially does.....the reason I think is because sometimes the strength and progress feel good but uncomfortable(that new house idea) so you just kinda "hunker down and stay safe." That really makes sense to me, and helped me to feel better about what I have been feeling.
I'm going to play catch up on all of the things that I have been neglecting around my house, so that I have the weekend free and clear for some fun time. Not sure what that will be yet, but how hard can it be to have some damn fun!

Healing From Sexual Abuse

Healing from Sexual Abuse by Dr. Sidney Langston

~The Process of Healing~
Healing for those who have been sexually abused is like a renovation process. All the old wounds need to be cleaned out and repaired. Truth must be faced, the sorrow embraced and grieved. Usually this cannot be done in isolation. It is best to talk it through with a trusted friend, pastor or professional therapist.
Abused individuals need to be gently led out of denial so that the truth of what happened to them can be faced. Acknowledging the truth is the initial step toward rescuing themselves from the bondage of powerlessness, betrayal, confusion and rejection.
When truth is faced they can learn to let go of dissociative behaviors which allow them to block the pain of abuse from their memories. Dissociation can be a useful survival tool because it allows victims to mentally escape to a safe place so they are not in touch with their pain. If they have developed multiple personalities, another dissociative defense against pain, these personalities, in time, can be integrated.
Abuse victims need to learn not to minimize or make excuses for the perpetrator or for parents or other adults who did not protect them. They don't help themselves or the offender by living in the darkness of denial. In the healing process, they need to come to the place where they can honestly say "Yes, I was abused and something was taken away from me that I can never get back." Giving living offenders a chance to face the damage they have done can be a great step of healing.
Abuse victims should never accept responsibility for the actions of their abusers. Neither should they feel a need to ask forgiveness for the emotions they might have felt during or after the abuse. Forgiving the offender, when emotionally and spiritually ready to do so, will enhance the healing process.
Another element of healing is for the victim to honestly look at ways they have tried to protect themselves from further harm. In order to manage their pain, most victims utilize dysfunctional ways to protect themselves. As understandable and natural as this is, it leads to more torment. These dysfunctional patterns of behavior need to be exchanged for more effective methods of coping.
Learning how and what to grieve is also necessary to the healing process. Facing pain and embracing sorrow with the expectation of finding comfort feels wrong. But it is the right way to deal with abuse. Victims need to grieve what has been taken from them. They need to let themselves feel their lost innocence. They need to mourn their lost childhood, their loss of trust, and their feelings of betrayal and rejection. Just as important, victims need to mourn the fact that they have hurt themselves, and perhaps others, by their dysfunctional protective actions. As they face their sorrow they can find comfort and healing as well as the strength to let the pain go and get on with their lives.
Victims need to take time to reflect on their spiritual needs and draw additional healing from that. Becoming well-informed about abuse and gaining insights about its dynamics enhances the healing process. It is helpful to keep a journal that records memories, feelings and events related to the past abuse and their struggles to deal with it. It helps to journal the steps taken toward healing, recovery and hope.
If you are a victim of sexual abuse, please take these steps of recovery in your own life. The journey to wholeness is painful and arduous, but not impossible. If you are willing to go through the healing process you will be amazed at the relief and freedom you will experience. Don't delay. You are worth it.

Reference Allender, Dan. (1982). When trust is lost, Healing for victims of sexual abuse
Grand Rapids, MI: Thomas Nelson Publishers.

The "Shoulds"

I have really been struggling with isolation, and my confusion with the desire to just hide away from the world. I'm doing great in so many ways, and yet I feel sad, lost, and afraid. I know that I question my feelings when there really is no right or wrong when it comes to feelings. The "shoulds" get in my way, and frustrate me. I think that I should be feeling all of these wonderful feelings because of all of the progress I have made, so I feel guilty because I don't feel wonderful at all, and it always ends up coming back to what a horrible person I must be. I know that I'm not a horrible person. I just want so badly to bounce through life, filled with joy, avoiding the grief and pain, when the reality is that I must feel the sadness in order to also feel the joy. Going through this grieving process is painful, and I'm not very patient with myself at all. I am really going to try to make more of an effort to be patient and accepting of where I am, and not beat myself up for where and how I think that I "should" be.

Nightmares And Rage

I had the worst night I have had in a long time last night. I had horrible nightmares about the rape, and I would awaken from one, go back to sleep, and have another one. I finally got up and took a couple of xanax, which I just really hate to do, but it did help. The difference in my nightmares now is that I always fight back. My poor husband has been hit and kicked quite a few times here lately. A few weeks ago, he said that I yelled out,"I'm calling the police!" At least I am fighting back, although having the dreams are still very frightening, and are very triggering the next day. Today I am having flashbacks, and they come so quick that I'm not always able to catch them in time, which frustrates me. I did learn a great visualization tool that works for my flashbacks though. When they come, I just picture them as if they are being displayed on a television screen, and then I visualize myself picking up the remote control and turning the television off. It sounds so simple, but most of the time, it works for me.
Right now I feel like screaming and crying, and just pounding my head into a wall over and over again, although I'm not going to do any of that. Anger is the primary emotion that I am feeling today, and also probably the emotion that I have the hardest time dealing with. I used to direct all of that anger and rage onto myself, but I am fighting the instinct to do any type of self harm, so how do I release all of those feelings now? Maybe my dreams are the release, and they will just run their course, and time will give me my answer.