Letting Go Of The Past

This is the second day that I have stayed home from work because I'm sick. It's just a nasty cold with a fever and cough, but the headache is what's killing me. I just want to feel good again. This is not the best time of year to be under the weather. I have missed a lot of work this year already. I think that I may have run out of sick days, and that's not good. Oh well, that's enough complaining!

What has really been on my mind the past few days is a letter that I received from my dad on Tuesday. The last time I had spoken to my dad was over six years ago on the phone when I told him that I didn't want to have any further contact with him. He is an alcoholic and drug abuser who had disappointed and hurt me too many times in my life, and I had finally had enough. It was actually a relief not to have him in my life anymore. One of the things that he doesn't know is that I was raped when I was eleven, and in his care. My brother and I were staying the summer with him in Texas. He and my step mom lived in an apartment, and they decided to rent the apartment below them for my step sister, step brother and I to stay in because their apartment was too small for all of us. My dad and step mom weren't around much, so we were mainly supervised by my step sister, who was nineteen and liked to party and do drugs. One night they had a big party with a lot of drugs and drinking going on, and I ended up being raped by two guys who were at the party. At the time, I was too afraid and ashamed to tell anyone. I blame my dad for not being around to take care of me. The letter he sent me is asking for forgiveness for not being a better father. He says that he has been sober and clean for the past four years, and has been going to Alcoholics Anonymous, and one of the steps in A.A. is to make ammends to the people in your life who you have hurt. I'm not sure how to respond to this letter. I can forgive him, but I still don't know if he can ever be a part of my life. My therapist thinks that he needs to know about the rape, but I'm not sure. She is probably right, but that will be a very hard letter to write. Maybe it would help me to let go of all of the pain that I've been holding on to, but it is something that I'm going to have to take my time to think about.