Poetry and thoughts on my journey toward healing and unlocking the silence within. Words are magic. Words have the power to heal, so find your voice, and fly!
Lost
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Ashamed. Failing and flailing. Lost as how to fix what I cannot feel.
All of the joy trapped beneath the pain. Never good enough to grasp a hold of all that I could be.
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Anonymous said…
But you CAN be so much more than this. Words are extremely powerful and the more you write about the darkness and fear in your life, the easier it is to believe. Can you imagine if you wrote poems that were about fighting against those negative voices in your head or searching for joy or empowering yourself to rise above all of this? Where are those poems? Being happy is a choice. Being fulfilled is a choice. Being free is a choice. Even if you have demons to battle, you can still make a choice against that. If you only write about how you feel defeated than that is what your life will become. To be healed you need to write about that and believe it. To be happy you need to write about that and believe it. Dark words will leave you in the dark.
Angela, if and when you are ready, i am willing to extend my hand to you and lead you out of the dark. Just believe that you can overcome this. No timetable... feel the love around you. Life is beautiful. Take my hand when you are ready.
The weather here is still dreary, drizzly, and cold. I sit here as I type, wishing for fingerless gloves. Yes, I would wear them:) I'm still struggling with the depression, but reaching out for help. My psychiatrist raised my medication dose, so hopefully that will help. Eating and more nutrition would also help my mood, and yesterday I did better than usual, but today it was back to restricting. The full feeling is hard for me to sit with, even though I know that it will pass if I give it time. I just didn't want to go through that today. My nutritionist weighed me on Wednesday, and I've lost weight, although she wouldn't tell me how much. That is fine. I already knew I had lost, and though the eating disorder is thrilled by this, there is another part of me that is afraid. I'm afraid that I won't find my way out of this, ever. I'm afraid that I will always be ruled by weights and numbers, food and calories, the mirror and my distorted mind. I'm really ...
I’m sadly detached, as if I’m watching myself through a window. Everything is dreamlike and surreal, with the world spinning in slow motion, and yet I can’t seem to reach myself. I was hoping that some of the depression would lift. I don’t feel as hopeless, but I’m still feeling sad and despondent. I can’t pinpoint a reason as to why I’m feeling this way which is so frustrating, because I would fix it if I could. I’m glad to be at work, I’m slowly increasing my food intake, I’m going to all of my therapies, taking my medications, and going to the addiction recovery meetings. I’m doing what I can to take care of myself, but still this sadness hangs over me. I’m so tired of feeling this way. I’m hoping that the warmth and sunshine of spring will pull me out of this darkness. I always seem to lose hope in the midst of winter, so maybe the grey, dreary days wear me down, making me more susceptible to depression. I just don’t want to go through another winter like this. I need to find a way...
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"Never good enough to grasp a hold of all that I could be" resonates with me.
Roxie
You are invited to sign the Recovery Wall
http://recoveryrocks.today.com/recovery-wall
Much Love,
Bing (",)