Welcoming A New Year
I want to wish everyone who comes to visit me here a Happy New Year!
2010 seemed to fly by, and I definitely had my ups and downs. Last January I was in a very dark place, and spent a week in the hospital. It was my second January in a row that I ended up in the hospital. I'm determined not to go there this year, but I said that last year too. I don't know what it is that gets me so down. The last few days of December were hard due to some family issues that I can't really talk about here. It has made me very sad and filled with worry, and it is also one more thing that I blame myself for. I'm trying not to take it on myself because I know that it doesn't help. To quote Sarah McLachlan, "There is always some reason to not feel good enough." I work on being positive, but it seems there is always something that comes along to knock you down. I have to believe that all I have gone through will make me stronger. I do feel like we will be able to handle this as a family. There is nothing that I can do besides be strong, and I know that I need to be here and healthy for everyone, so that is what I'm going to do. I want this to be a year of healing. I've been working on my eating while I've been on break, and I'm doing better. I've been sitting down more with my family and sharing meals. I even had lunch with the boys today instead of eating my standard protein bar. I honestly don't know if I will be able to keep it up once I go back to work. It is so much easier to eat better when things aren't so rushed. I still struggle with eating in the teachers lounge, but I'm going to try to fit some sort of breakfast into the morning, even if it is a bar or shake. I'm going to continue to try and fight the eating disorder. I really have come such a long way when I look back on it. There was a time when I subsided on one green apple a day, cut up into the thinnest slices possible. Being thin isn't nearly as important as it used to be. I wish I could say at this time that I had no doubts that I will beat this disorder, but they do creep into my mind. I want to live a life free of the torment, and I know that I'm the only one who can make it happen. All I can do is continue to try.
2010 seemed to fly by, and I definitely had my ups and downs. Last January I was in a very dark place, and spent a week in the hospital. It was my second January in a row that I ended up in the hospital. I'm determined not to go there this year, but I said that last year too. I don't know what it is that gets me so down. The last few days of December were hard due to some family issues that I can't really talk about here. It has made me very sad and filled with worry, and it is also one more thing that I blame myself for. I'm trying not to take it on myself because I know that it doesn't help. To quote Sarah McLachlan, "There is always some reason to not feel good enough." I work on being positive, but it seems there is always something that comes along to knock you down. I have to believe that all I have gone through will make me stronger. I do feel like we will be able to handle this as a family. There is nothing that I can do besides be strong, and I know that I need to be here and healthy for everyone, so that is what I'm going to do. I want this to be a year of healing. I've been working on my eating while I've been on break, and I'm doing better. I've been sitting down more with my family and sharing meals. I even had lunch with the boys today instead of eating my standard protein bar. I honestly don't know if I will be able to keep it up once I go back to work. It is so much easier to eat better when things aren't so rushed. I still struggle with eating in the teachers lounge, but I'm going to try to fit some sort of breakfast into the morning, even if it is a bar or shake. I'm going to continue to try and fight the eating disorder. I really have come such a long way when I look back on it. There was a time when I subsided on one green apple a day, cut up into the thinnest slices possible. Being thin isn't nearly as important as it used to be. I wish I could say at this time that I had no doubts that I will beat this disorder, but they do creep into my mind. I want to live a life free of the torment, and I know that I'm the only one who can make it happen. All I can do is continue to try.
Comments
xoxo
And you're SO right that what you've been through will make you stronger. I truly believe that God won't let us go through anything we can't handle, and that it's important always to learn what we can from our experiences (living that is difficult, I know, but it's something to aim for!). Plus, going through bad things gives you a way to relate to others with similar experiences. It can fill you with compassion and empathy that others without those experiences might not know so well.
That's so awesome that you're doing better with eating- I'm praying that your strength will continue in this area especially as you go back to school. Take everything a day at a time!
Hope 2011 is a wonderful year for you! :) x x