No Longer Taking The Blame


I have been packing a lunch to take to work, sometimes I eat breakfast, and I almost always eat dinner. I'm excited about how well I've been doing, and even better, my weight is stable, even though I'm eating more. It is great to know that I'm not gaining, but to be honest, there is a part of me that still wants to lose weight. It is an old thought pattern, and hard to get out of my head, but I'm hoping that eventually I will be content with the weight that I am. I'm not willing to fall back into the pit of starvation. I'm sitting with my emotions, feeling them, squirming away from them, but no longer checking out. Therapy has been going really well. I've been opening up more, and when I saw my trauma therapist on Monday, I was surprised by how much I was able to share. The memories can be so painful, that often times in a session, I find myself drifting away. This week he even commented that he was proud of me for staying present. I'm so grateful for my wonderful treatment team, and a supportive family. Without all of them, I don't think I would be alive right now. I told my therapist this, and she said that I need to begin to take some of the credit for where I am. I struggle with this because I tend to want to blame myself for everything, but I am beginning to come to terms with the fact that none of the abuse was my fault. I don't have to hurt and punish myself anymore, because I did nothing wrong. Having that realization is a great comfort, and with that knowledge comes a bit of the peace that I've been longing for.

Comments

Ruth said…
Sounds like you're doing great! I'm a little annoyed at my therapist at the moment, a couple weeks ago she brought up my financial situation and I felt like she was criticizing me...last week, same thing about my hygiene (the one day I go without washing my hair that morning, sheesh). My other caseworkers are encouraging me to say something to her about it but I feel like it won't do any good. I did mention last week to her that her criticizing my money choices bothered me but I felt like she wasn't seeing my point of view. I've been seeing her for a couple months, wondering if it's time for a change. To be honest I'd rather not bother seeing anyone! I had to cancel an appointment with her this morning because my transportation fell apart and she asked me if I was avoiding therapy. I said no, but if I was I'd have a darned good reason I think.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
T.J. said…
I am happy for you Angela. You have worked very hard. Stand tall and proud! :)
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Anonymous said…
I'm jumping for JOY!!! Love, Mom
Friday, September 30, 2011
Eve said…
Um, this is brilliant, as are you!
Friday, September 30, 2011
Anonymous said…
I could have written this. I swear, Angela, you are in my head sometimes!
Toni
Friday, September 30, 2011
John Buchanan said…
Well done, keep the good work up.
Sunday, October 09, 2011
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