Home Sweet Home
...So I took an entire bottle of Xanax(60 pills) and ended up in the ICU, and then on the psychiatric floor of a hospital for 6 days. If I'm nothing else, I am honest here in this blogging world, and that is why I have been missing in action for the past week. Definitely not my proudest moment, and something that I will regret for the rest of this life that I have been so privileged to live. A panic attack, depression, and anxiety got the better of me, and I behaved irrationally and impulsively. I had a panic attack while trying on clothes during a shopping trip. I went home feeling hopeless, defeated, and filled with thoughts of self loathing and disgust. I don't remember it, but I did reach out to my therapist by e-mail and told her that I had taken an overdose. She contacted my husband, who then took me to the emergency room. Suicide is such a selfish act, and I feel sick about hurting and worrying my family and friends in this way. I never meant to hurt anyone else in this...I just wanted the pain to end. I have had a lot of time to think while in the hospital, and I never plan on attempting anything like this ever again. I want to be stronger than this eating disorder and depression, and strong enough to bury the pain of the past. I have been given a second chance, and I plan on making the most of it...Here and now...One day at a time.
Comments
Jane
Jodi
I too used to get panic attacks, but not to that extreme.
I wish you and your family the best as you recover from this.
But please be strong... pretend if you have to. Eventually you'll be able to convince yourself that you are indeed strong and resilient and even adopt it as YOUR OWN TRUTH.
I don't know if you read the Bible but there is a verse there that helped me while I was going through the same painful journey. I have not really told many friends about it but you have inspired me to share it with you (and perhaps to everyone else in my blog in my next post).
"My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as YOU will." - Matthew 26:39, NIV
That became my MANTRA every time I had those panic attacks. That even replaced the anti-depressant and sleeping pills that I was prescribed with (at that time I could not afford to get groggy and drowsy while waiting for ANY word about James' disappearance.. a telephone call for ransom demand might come anytime). It didn't solve my problems but it surely made me feel much better somehow.
Reciting it in my mind over and over again calmed me down. That was Jesus' prayer when He was having His own anxieties and panic attacks at the Garden of Gethsemane. Believe me, it is a very powerful prayer.
Please try this prayer. You won't lose anything by trying this strategy in your daily struggles. If it helps, please tell me and help me spread the word.
My prayers are with you, Angel. Will a hug from me help for now?
Much Love,
Bing
Although I don´t comment much, I read some of your posts and I did miss your logo in my EC inbox...
You´re thinking right now. Strengh comes from the inside, one day at a time. Wish you all the best.
Mizé.
I understand how someone can get to that place; I've been there myself. What helps me, sometimes, is to repeat over and over to myself that feelings are transitory, they WILL pass. If I can just hang on for a little longer, I will not feel so bad. Not good, but not as bad. And I won't be in danger once the feeling passes.
Please don't get too down on yourself because of hurting the people you love (the people that love YOU). Yes, what you did hurt them, but if you hold onto that, it will hold you back. You are alive, and that is the most precious gift you can give them. Guilt doesn't help us; just hold on to your resolve to keep moving toward recovery.
I read your blog a lot, but I'm not much of a commenter. But today, I wanted to let you know that I am out here, and I care.
Lindsay
I am so sorry for what you went through. I also suffer from panic attacks but take medicine for it. I am so glad the Grace of God was with you that day. He will keep you strong and at home where you belong. I would give you a big hug right now if I could.
Take Care
Janet
http://pinklady-bing.blogspot.com/2008/11/praising-in-desperation.html
Yes, take one day at a time and say to yourself: "THIS TOO SHALL PASS!"
I think that is great you are being honest.
I am sorry for your pain.
Now, make good use of this second chance, and keep on showing your strength...you have it...you just have to believe in yourself.
There are so many people rooting for you, and that care, stay honest and true...and if you ever need help again...don't be afraid to reach out!!
I'm sending you {{hugzzz}}
Take care,
Kat
Now the therapist comes out in me and I wonder what you are getting out of continuing to give your perpetrators so much power.
You are intelligent, beautiful and a pleasure to read...I hope that you can hear that.
Mxxxxxxxxxx
JHS
Colloquium