Understanding Anger

I have been feeling a lot of sadness and anger lately, and not sure where it was coming from. My therapist helped me with guided imagery at our last session, and it really helped me to see who my anger was directed at all of this time. She had me close my eyes and describe what my anger looked like. I said that it looked like a humongous, grey, sludge-like pulsing mass. Then she asked me whose face I saw when I looked at it. I said that I saw my own face. She then told me to pull myself out of the sludge. When I did this, I could very clearly see the two faces of my rapists, and behind them, my father was left. She then said that all of this time, those were the people who hid behind me, and let me take the blame, and so I took all of that anger out on myself. When I would say that I felt fat, that was really me saying how angry I was, and that was ultimately what the suicide attempt was about... my own self loathing and anger at myself.
Now that I don't have the eating disorder to help mask all of these emotions, they are rising to the surface, and can be very overwhelming. That is one of the reasons I had a panic attack on the day of the suicide attempt. All of that really made so much sense to me, and just knowing where the anger was coming from and who I needed to direct the anger at helped me to understand my own feelings. Now the anger doesn't seem so big somehow, and that is a huge relief.

A Child's Rage

I'm drowning
in painful sorrow and rage
Choking on the bitter bile of hate
My lungs closed tight with fear
Why couldn't I be saved
by my father right upstairs?
Why couldn't my mother
know that I was scared?
Why couldn't God
hear my prayers?
Childish thoughts
left hanging in the air
The blame and shame
I took on as my own
and now that I am grown,
the anger tries to hide
behind the shadow of a little girl
and I took it out on her
I just wanted her to die

Angela Minard 2009©