Around And Around
I've had all of my therapy sessions, and I'm mentally exhausted. I woke up early this morning and went for an hour long walk, and the whole time, my mind was just spinning. I came home and slept for five hours! I feel so lost, but everyone keeps reassuring me that I don't have to have it all figured out. That is good to know, because I definitely don't have anything even close to figured out. I feel like no one understands, and that is so frustrating. No one seems to get that I can't eat because I'm not happy with my weight. It always has to be something deeper than that, and that I'm using the obsession with weight to avoid feeling. I do honestly believe that I will feel happier when I'm thinner. My therapist wants to know what evidence I have of that, and I don't have a shred of evidence to back up that theory, I just KNOW. Is everyone who goes on a diet simply trying to avoid their feelings? I don't think so..., but maybe I'm just being stubborn. My thinking seems so distorted and irrational to everyone but me, and seeing my therapist and nutritionist seems pointless right now. I mentioned that to my therapist, and she said that the eating disorder is hanging on for dear life, and that this was when I really need my treatment team the most. I'm tired of needing help though.
I just want to be done.
Comments
Cheesy cliches, maybe, but the idea behind them is sound--the worst time to give up is when it's most tempting to do so.
Hang in there! You're not alone.
As you can imagine, things have not improved for her since then.
Don't beat yourself up for needing some help through tough times.
What I have figured out is that I have very little figured out. It used to depress me, now it is a strange and wonderful comfort.
Much love.
It's good to find you again. What can I say here to help you? If I remember my days as an active practicing Bulimic then probably not too much.
If I don't use the method of throwing up then even with proper diet and exercise I am always a little on the chubby side.
So for years to stay slim, fit into that size 1,2 or God forbid a 4, I kept it up.
I now need extensive dental care for which I can't afford. So I can't smile a cheery smile at anyone due to missing teeth.
I think if you go look at the bottom post on my page you will see that I am not unattractive at all for a 52 year old woman.
However, when I look in the mirror, all I see is fat. I have not thrown up in over 3 years now.
But, I fight the urge after every single meal.
You have 2 choices. Stop the Anorexia or die!
To kill yourself, no matter the route you take is a cowardly and selfish thing to do.
Think of the loved ones you are going to devastate.
Sorry to be so blunt here but this is the truth....eat or die!
I will pray that you choose to eat and live!! I did!!
Much love,
Jackie
But, I care for you very deeply. Please just know that sooner or later everything truly does change.
You just have to hang in there, do the best you can, have faith, work with your therapists, and you can make it Angel!!
You have a very loving and caring spirit. I see you reaching out to others. I just feel that you are stronger than what you may believe yourself to be.
I will hold you close in my thoughts, wrapped in love and caring, meditation and prayer!
Wrapping you up in a great big hug!
Jackie XX'S
We're all going to die sooner or later-I have finally figured out there is no need to rush the process along.
we all have choices and it is only within us how are lives turn out. we have to own our emotions and not let them own us. to recognize and allow ourselves to feel them and know that they are valid to us, only then can we move through them. i don't know if that is making any sense or not, i just wanted to let you know that i care...