The Dark Side Of A Butterfly

Photobucket


I'm having a rough day.
Every time I get my period, it reminds me of the rape, and cleaning up the blood afterwards. It was the first time that I had ever bled like that, and I realize now, that I must have been in shock. I know that many rape victims shower or bathe after the attack, but I remember feeling too terrified to stay in the apartment, so I put on a bathing suit and t-shirt, carried the bloody sheets out to the dumpster, and then I got into the apartment swimming pool and swam back and forth across the length of the pool until I was exhausted. I certainly didn't understand anything that had happened to me. Only that I must have done something horribly wrong, and that no one could ever know about it. Oh, this is still so hard. When will I learn not to take it out on myself.

Comments

Bing Yap said…
i understand your pain. someone very close to me was a victim of rape and even after 30 years, she never got over the trauma. it just keeps on going back, haunting her like a ghost that won't go away. i guess we can never really fathom the depth of such pain no matter how hard we try. you are blessed to be surrounded by people who continue to love and support you unconditionally. whenever pain hits you, find comfort in their presence.

i have an award for you ANGELA. i hope you'll find the time to visit my blog again.

GOD BLESS!
Friday, August 21, 2009
Unknown said…
I hear your pain and struggle, Angela. You can do this.
Friday, August 21, 2009
Anonymous said…
God, I am so sorry that happened to you, and also that you have to always be reminded of it.

I haven't been raped, and I feel guilty that so many people have and I don't understand their pain. But know this: I feel sad for you and I want you to feel better and it sounds corny, but I am so sorry. Really sorry. Like I'm not just saying that, but I really am sorry.

I know I'm rambling, but I wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you.
Friday, August 21, 2009
Unknown said…
i'm sorry that you associate your menses with the terrible thing that happened to you. it must be difficult to have to relive that every month. i wish there was something that i could say that would help. you must believe that what happened to you wasn't your fault and it was the fault of the scum that took advantage of you. it is on him and karma will eventually catch up to him. i am sorry i don't know your whole story, but want you to know that i can sympathize with you as that happened to me also.

try to have a great weekend my friend. much love to you
Friday, August 21, 2009
Angela said…
Thank you all! Doing better today:)
Friday, August 21, 2009
The Struggling Author/Graphic Artist said…
I'm so sorry that you went through that and that you associate your menses with it. Being someone who has went through it myself and one who hasn't dealt with it ompletely, I am glad that I don't have a monthly reminder of it. My only reminder is the fact that I will never have kids of my own.
Friday, August 21, 2009
Janet Gardner said…
Dear Angela,
I am so sorry for what you endured.
I don't know how to give advice to you on this subject, but for all you have been through I think you have made a lot of progress, so when you have a bad day don't get upset with yourself just let it be what it is. As long as you pick yourself back up, you are a survivor. I love the saying progress, not perfection, Allow yourself to take those two steps forward and when you go back a few have faith in yourself that you will only grow through these experiences. May Angels be around you to support you, Thanks for being so brave to share your story.
Take Care,
Janet :)
Friday, August 21, 2009
Ann said…
Just want you to know that I am here rooting for you and wishing you all the best
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Certain

Image
Certain The moon follows you at night when you are a child Oh yes, it does of that I'm certain And the stuffed animals with their neon colored synthetic fur they talk to each other when you close the bedroom door Oh yes, they do of that I'm certain And you can hear the angels whisper and the jingle of sleigh bells on Christmas Eve And dandelion seeds are tiny ballet dancers twirling in the wind The fairies hide beneath the willows And if you lie in confession with your fingers crossed you won't go to hell And with the moon behind you are always safe when you are a child Oh yes, you are of that I'm certain Angela Minard2009©
Read more

Just Snap Out Of It

Image
The weather here is still dreary, drizzly, and cold. I sit here as I type, wishing for fingerless gloves. Yes, I would wear them:) I'm still struggling with the depression, but reaching out for help. My psychiatrist raised my medication dose, so hopefully that will help. Eating and more nutrition would also help my mood, and yesterday I did better than usual, but today it was back to restricting. The full feeling is hard for me to sit with, even though I know that it will pass if I give it time. I just didn't want to go through that today. My nutritionist weighed me on Wednesday, and I've lost weight, although she wouldn't tell me how much. That is fine. I already knew I had lost, and though the eating disorder is thrilled by this, there is another part of me that is afraid. I'm afraid that I won't find my way out of this, ever. I'm afraid that I will always be ruled by weights and numbers, food and calories, the mirror and my distorted mind. I'm really ...
Read more

Combat

Image
I’m sadly detached, as if I’m watching myself through a window. Everything is dreamlike and surreal, with the world spinning in slow motion, and yet I can’t seem to reach myself. I was hoping that some of the depression would lift. I don’t feel as hopeless, but I’m still feeling sad and despondent. I can’t pinpoint a reason as to why I’m feeling this way which is so frustrating, because I would fix it if I could. I’m glad to be at work, I’m slowly increasing my food intake, I’m going to all of my therapies, taking my medications, and going to the addiction recovery meetings. I’m doing what I can to take care of myself, but still this sadness hangs over me. I’m so tired of feeling this way. I’m hoping that the warmth and sunshine of spring will pull me out of this darkness. I always seem to lose hope in the midst of winter, so maybe the grey, dreary days wear me down, making me more susceptible to depression. I just don’t want to go through another winter like this. I need to find a way...
Read more