Rejuvenation

Photobucket

Yesterday, I literally slept all day long. I hate wasting a weekend day like that, but I couldn't seem to keep my eyes open. Today I'm feeling much better. I'm still a bit lazy, but emotionally, I'm feeling less fragile. I'm getting some laundry done, but other than that, I really don't feel like doing much. I have a new book to read called Look Me In The Eye, My Life With Asperger's, by John Elder Robison, so that is how I plan on spending the rest of my afternoon.
I talked with my mom on the phone this morning. My dad is trying to get an anullment from her so that he can get remarried in the Catholic church. She called him today, and basically tore into him. He has done so much to hurt my brother and I, and I can no longer have anything to do with him. There is just too much pain. She asked me if she could tell him about the rape. I could never find the courage to tell him for some reason, even though it was because of his neglect that it happened in the first place. I told her that she could tell him, and even though it does nothing to change things, I feel a sense of relief that he knows. I can let go of the anger toward him, and I can forgive, but I can't let him back into my life. I'm finished with being hurt by him, and I've run out of trust. I have been blessed with a wonderful step dad, and he more than makes up for my terrible biological father. In small ways, I'm beginning to let go, and this was one more thing to let go of.
Well, I'm off to enjoy the rest of my weekend. Hope that everyone is having a good one:)


Comments

Descartes said…
I loved Look Me In The Eye by John Elder Robison-a really great book. He has a blog by the same name and is fairly active on Twitter as well.

If your in the mood for some real father hate, try reading Augusten Burroughs Wolf At The Table-I found it a bit over the top, but it was interesting. Augusten is John Elder's brother, if you didn't already know.

Look Me In The Eye made me want to go on tour with a rock band, but I'm afraid I have put it off a bit too late.

These two writers of memoirs are brilliant, though I do like John Elder's writing better. They make me want to be a better writer-maybe even a slightly more original one.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Ruth said…
Your post sounds like what my daughter has been going through lately. I don't know if I mentioned it in a previous comment, but she was molested by a friend of her dad's earlier this year. I told her dad about it and he's either in denial or doesn't care, it's like being friends with this guy is more important to him than his own kid. She's 17 years old and she doesn't want to have anything to do with her own father ever again, it's sad.
Monday, August 24, 2009
Ruth said…
Your post sounds like what my daughter has been going through lately. I don't know if I mentioned it in a previous comment, but she was molested by a friend of her dad's earlier this year. I told her dad about it and he's either in denial or doesn't care, it's like being friends with this guy is more important to him than his own kid. She's 17 years old and she doesn't want to have anything to do with her own father ever again, it's sad.
Monday, August 24, 2009
Ruth said…
Whoops sorry for the double post!
Monday, August 24, 2009
Unknown said…
letting go is sometimes the hardest thing to do, but when you finally do it is a very powerful feeling. i am happy to hear that you are taking another step in your recovery. you are an awesome woman and deserving of an awesome life! xoxox
Monday, August 24, 2009
Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Certain

Image
Certain The moon follows you at night when you are a child Oh yes, it does of that I'm certain And the stuffed animals with their neon colored synthetic fur they talk to each other when you close the bedroom door Oh yes, they do of that I'm certain And you can hear the angels whisper and the jingle of sleigh bells on Christmas Eve And dandelion seeds are tiny ballet dancers twirling in the wind The fairies hide beneath the willows And if you lie in confession with your fingers crossed you won't go to hell And with the moon behind you are always safe when you are a child Oh yes, you are of that I'm certain Angela Minard2009©
Read more

Just Snap Out Of It

Image
The weather here is still dreary, drizzly, and cold. I sit here as I type, wishing for fingerless gloves. Yes, I would wear them:) I'm still struggling with the depression, but reaching out for help. My psychiatrist raised my medication dose, so hopefully that will help. Eating and more nutrition would also help my mood, and yesterday I did better than usual, but today it was back to restricting. The full feeling is hard for me to sit with, even though I know that it will pass if I give it time. I just didn't want to go through that today. My nutritionist weighed me on Wednesday, and I've lost weight, although she wouldn't tell me how much. That is fine. I already knew I had lost, and though the eating disorder is thrilled by this, there is another part of me that is afraid. I'm afraid that I won't find my way out of this, ever. I'm afraid that I will always be ruled by weights and numbers, food and calories, the mirror and my distorted mind. I'm really ...
Read more

Combat

Image
I’m sadly detached, as if I’m watching myself through a window. Everything is dreamlike and surreal, with the world spinning in slow motion, and yet I can’t seem to reach myself. I was hoping that some of the depression would lift. I don’t feel as hopeless, but I’m still feeling sad and despondent. I can’t pinpoint a reason as to why I’m feeling this way which is so frustrating, because I would fix it if I could. I’m glad to be at work, I’m slowly increasing my food intake, I’m going to all of my therapies, taking my medications, and going to the addiction recovery meetings. I’m doing what I can to take care of myself, but still this sadness hangs over me. I’m so tired of feeling this way. I’m hoping that the warmth and sunshine of spring will pull me out of this darkness. I always seem to lose hope in the midst of winter, so maybe the grey, dreary days wear me down, making me more susceptible to depression. I just don’t want to go through another winter like this. I need to find a way...
Read more