Good Enough

I had my therapy and nutritionist appointments last night, and even though I thought I would be wasting everyone's time, I'm glad that I went. I'm not sure that I processed everything that was said, but it made me feel less alone. I have this new rule in my head that I can only eat one thing everyday. I'm not sure where it came from, but the anxiety over food and eating is really out of control right now. I agonize over that one food item. Right now I have zero appetite, and nothing even sounds appealing. My therapist asked me if I could give a reason why it is so important for me to be thin, and what does thin even mean? All that I could think of was that it means I'm good enough. For what...I don't know. It has everything to do with my self worth, but then again, when I am very thin, I still don't feel like I'm good enough. This is so crazy, and I know it. I don't know how to turn this around when I feel like I'm going to have a panic attack over eating. The restricting is giving me the illusion of safety and security, and I feel like if I don't restrict, then something bad is going to happen.

Work is going well, and I really like the people that I'm working with. We do have a very aggressive student, which has been very stressful. Getting hit and kicked is an everyday occurrence. His last day will be on Friday though, so that will ease a lot of the tension in the classroom. He is being transferred over to a more appropriate environment where the safety of other students won't be compromised. I'm not sure if this is what triggered my relapse. I do think that proving that I could work with this student had something to do with it. I'm always so worried about what other people think of me, and I felt like people were watching my every move to make sure that I was following his behavior plan to the letter. Maybe now that I have proven that I'm capable, I can put less pressure on myself. I'm also worried about my husband's brain tumor. It has started to grow again, and of course, I have no control over what is going to happen. I'm terrified of losing him, and of being alone to finish raising our four sons. I know that restricting what I eat helps to numb all of those scary feelings. That is why it is so hard to let it go.