A Step Backwards
"Are we really going back there? Just let me know, because if we are, I want to be prepared, and I want you to be prepared too, because it is never pretty." My therapist said those words during our session last night, referring to the anorexia. I didn't have an answer for her, and I could feel her frustration with me. It sounds so simple, but I don't know what to do. I want to believe that I am in control of this, and that the eating disorder isn't in charge, but I really do know that's not true. Eating right now feels so hard and I'm not sure why. I'm losing some weight, and that feels good, so it is difficult to make the right choices. The whole weight issue is so confusing. In the past week, I've had one woman ask me if I wanted to join Weight Watcher's with her, and another woman tell me how skinny I am. How do those two conversations go together? They don't. No wonder my body image is distorted. So is everyone elses!
I'm stressed about disappointing people. I don't want to go backwards, and yet, I am. So, Am I really going back there? I don't know...
Comments
I hope that makes some sense in some small way. You will be in my thoughts and prayers. Hang in there sweetie, you are strong, you can get through this, even if it feels like you won't.
Hugs,
Jane
I hope you're able to get back on track and live your life happily. You deserve happiness and healthiness-- no one deserves an eating disorder.
Wishing you the best,
NOS
it is like a relapse, you know what you described here is a relapse. I wish I could help my only suggestion is the twelve steps and I believe that the NA 12 steps would work great for you. all you have to do is change the word drug to eating disorder. you are powerless over your eating disorder and your life has become unmanageable. i am powerless over my addiction and my life has become unmanageable. the basic text says that our addiction can manifest itself in many ways. today it is not drugs that i use but sometimes, it is food, sometimes sex, sometimes anger. what ever i use outside of myself to make me feel better inside of me is my drug of choice.
for me the solution lies in going to meetings, calling my sponsor, who is not a dietitian, or a therapist who studies this disease of addiction, but another addict like me, who is clean and is guiding me through my steps. one addict helping another is without parallel. are there any OA meetings there, i know you don't over eat, but maybe if you can connect with someone who is dealing with the same issues you can help each other.
you know that is the problem with counselors, "are we really going there again.." obviously she has no clue.
in NA we have members who relapse all the time, yes we get frustrated but we never show that to the relapser. we simply welcome them back with open arms and tell them they can do it. we do not judge because any one of us could be that next person walking in that door in shame and you know how hard that must be to honestly admit your defeat, we don't need to hear "i told you so" that frustrates me, and this is why therapy doesn't work for addiction. your addiction is to your eating disorder and your therapist probably never even read a twelve step book.
my only other suggestion is to stop believing the lies in your head, you have a strong negative filter working over time. when you said that person asked you to join weight watchers, they probably weren't thinking you were fat, they were thinking I am afraid to go by myself. i have the same negative filter and i can twist up what someone says into something negative just like that! girl you are not the only one who gets that way. it is OK and i believe in you. i believe you are strong enough to get through this and do what is right for you. take care of you, you are worth it.
Kay