A Hard Decision
My therapist wants me to go to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting, and I've really had to think hard about it. It was a difficult decision to make, because although I think that at times I do have problems with alcohol, I don't think that I'm an alcoholic. Of course, isn't that what all alcoholics say? I have been to meetings before when I was in treatment at Renfrew for my eating disorder, and I hated them. I was so anxious, and some of the men made me very uncomfortable. I found an all women's group in my area, so I think that I'm going to go on Saturday. For the most part, when I do drink, I think that I'm more of a binge drinker. Alcohol also tends to increase the likely hood that I will dissociate. I want to stop, because I do believe that it is impeding my recovery. I promised my therapist that I would not drink again, and she said that she would not keep me as a client anymore if I continued to drink. I value our relationship so much, and to lose her as my therapist would be devastating to me. I also want to do this for my husband and children. I know that it dissapoints my husband when I drink, and especially when I drink in secret. I feel so ashamed, but it would be even more shameful of me to continue such a damaging pattern of behavior.
Well, that is the latest news from me. It feels like there is always some hurdle for me to jump over, but I refuse to let alcohol control me anymore. I do like to have my control!
Comments
personally i am excited for you!!
Yes, I can relate to that!!! But what's telling of your strength is that you do jump over them!
I have been reading your blogs - you have a lot going on in your life...and you are courageous and inspiring.
Take care,
Grace
Blessings to you,
Bing :)
That means a lot coming from you, and thanks for sharing your struggles with me. I appreciate that!
Take care:)
Kay
a.k.a survivor of many things :)
I appreciate all comments that I receive. I do still feel that I'm in charge of my destiny. I haven't been great at making the right choices, but I want to recover. The road is just longer and more difficult than I expected. I feel like I continue to try though. I've had an eating disorder for well over twenty years, so the pattern of restricting what I eat is a well established behavior that I've always used to control feelings that I would like to avoid. It is harder to stop than most people understand. The drinking, I want to get control of before it really gets farther out of hand. My therapist has said that she will discontinue treatment if I stop taking my medications, or I continue drinking. I take those threats seriously because I know that she is genuinely worried and cares about me. It would be negligent for her to continue with treatment when I refuse to listen. I understand this, and feel very committed to changing. The eating disorder is what actually feels like more of a struggle than the alcohol. Anyway, I appreciate your comments and questions. Sorry this is so long winded:)
I have already admitted that I have a problem with alcohol, and I am listening to my therapist, and plan on following through with what I promised. That is why I'm going to the AA meeting on Saturday, and believe me, that is going to be very hard for me to do. I'm scared. Scared enough to attempt to fix this. Blogging continues to be an outlet for me, as does writing and sharing my poetry. You are right that I need to start making better choices. I'm pretty sure that I said that in my post. Thank you for commenting, and sharing your viewpoint.
Kay