To Dream...

I'm still on vacation, and enjoying every lazy minute of it. Today I got out of bed at 10:00, and then found myself napping an hour later! It was a wonderful nap though, and I dreamt of biking through a beautiful forest with my husband. Dreams are funny, aren't they? We haven't been on bikes in years, and my husband's biking days are over since the brain tumor, but the dream was soothing, and now I feel very well rested. I'm also grateful to be alive...to dream.
Last January, I was in the darkest depression of my life. I look back, and cannot even tell you about the holidays or what I did during that time. I was in a deep pit, and could not find my way out. The only option I could see at the time was to get out. I only wanted an end to the pain, and I had lost my will to fight anymore. After the suicide attempt, it took months before I could see any glimmers of hope and light. There were many moments of anger that I had failed, and I still have guilt about those feelings, and the many people that I hurt. I do worry about this relapse with the eating disorder. There are times when I wonder if this is somehow a more passive form of suicide. I can honestly say that I do not want to die, and that I'm grateful for each and every breath that I take. I'm not much for making new years resolutions, but I do resolve this year to kick this eating disorder to the curb, once and for all. I have too much to live for.