A Leap Of Faith

Today I told a friend that knows about my eating disorder and the sexual abuse that all that I wanted to be was "normal." Of course he then asked what that meant, and all that I could think of were the things that I did not want to be. I said with self deprecating humor the other day that I apologize for my mere existence, but the truth is that I too often apologize for being who I am. I say I'm sorry at least a few times a day, and sometimes for things that I didn't even do, or were beyond my control. "It was my fault," is the reoccurring theme in my life. I relive the pain of the past, unable to see who and where I am now. I fear the future because I'm afraid that I'm going to fail at who I want to be. I want to be a whole, unbroken woman, who loves, laughs, cries, feels, and actually lives in the present. I want so much, and I'm afraid that it is too much...that I'm too much. My feelings inside are a jumble of mixed and confusing emotions that I can't seem to sort out. Maybe this is what healing is because I'm beginning to actually feel all of the feelings that I numbed myself from for so long. The eating disorder was a sweet distraction from my emotions, but it is no longer working, even though I'm still using those behaviors as a way to cope. So why not just stop, give it up, and take a leap of faith.