Not Sick Enough
Yesterday I had an appointment with my nutritionist. Sometimes I feel like I'm wasting her time and my money when I go. I'm not really the most compliant client. Yesterday's session was productive though. We talked about the voice that I have inside of my head, which she called the "critical parent." These are some of the things that the "critical parent" says to me; "You are a failure if you eat." "You have no willpower." "You are weak." " You haven't accomplished enough to deserve food." The perfectionist in me doesn't want to disobey, so daily I allow myself to be abused. By this point in my life I feel beaten down by this constant critical voice inside of my head. Standing up to the "critical parent" is the difficult part. I have trouble making my own voice heard, so standing up for myself feels like a daunting task. I told my nutritionist that I don't feel sick enough to fully recover. She actually laughed when I said this, and said, "So you think that you're recovered enough?" I know how ridiculous that sounds, and yet I can't shake the thought that I don't deserve to be treated anymore. I'm far from the sickly, emaciated woman that I used to be, and yet I can also see how far from well I am. I want someone else to give me the answers. I want an easy fix, but there isn't one. I don't even know where to start repairing the damage. I'm patched up, but there is still a leak in the boat, so to speak. Anyone have any ideas for me? I'm all ears:)
Comments
you've come a long way girl, don't quit before the miracle happens.
Hang in there! You deserve to get better. You deserve treatment.
Even later, as the race continues, you lose sight of how many miles you've gone already, because you're thirsty and you keep thinking the finish line is coming soon, but it doesn't get there when you expect it to, so you feel your stamina leaving...any runner would know that this is the part where you must relax you shoulders, roll them if you have to, to remove the tension...then, find your second (or third) breath and push it through to the finish.
You CAN do this....you deserve to do this. If you find it difficult to stand up the the critical parent, then use another person's voice...make up one if you need to. Create your own advocate inside yourself. No matter what, try to stop the parent voice and then yell back if you have to (I've done that...it was my whisper scream in the kitchen). Maybe it won't work, maybe it will help. I don't know...I just now it might be worth a shot.
Love you.
Good Luck, keep busy and keep talking about your problems.
Best of luck
Sandy