Stranger Danger

Photobucket

My head is reeling from a day of autism, tantrums, and chaos, but I can't seem to shut my mind down and sleep, which is frustrating, because I'm so tired. Today I carried a boy kicking and screaming from the playground, got smacked in the face, and slipped in a puddle of pee. Those tidbits are only the highlights:) I wonder some days if I make a difference, or I'm just a glorified babysitter, and really, I'm not that glorified! Oh well...it's a job, and for that I'm grateful. Without it, I wouldn't have medical insurance to pay for all of these drugs and doctors to keep me sane. Speaking of doctors, I saw my trauma therapist this evening. I know this may sound strange, but we talked about my fear of answering the door when someone rings the bell, and of my fear of strangers in general. I will literally hide when someone rings my door bell, and I won't even answer it if it is a stranger. I also try not to make eye contact with people when I'm out in public, or when I'm driving in my car, which probably make me more of a target, because I seem like I'm unaware of what is going on around me. I think it is safe not to answer the door to strangers. Isn't that what we teach our kids? I guess it isn't normal to cower in a part of my house in fear though, and my husband thinks that this is a problem. We talked about it being a part of the PTSD, and my inability to trust people. I have a lot of anxiety around people that I don't know. He didn't really give me any ideas for how to get over it though, and maybe I won't get over it. I tend to think that it keeps me safe, and that is all I want is to be safe. It makes perfect sense to me that because I trusted strangers that I was later raped by, that I would be wary of letting strangers ever again get close to me. It would be nice to be a little less fearful, but I'm not so scared that I can't leave the house. I guess if it ever came to that, then I would think of it as more of an issue. I really would like to take some self defense classes or something, so then I could just kick some butt:)
Well, that is all for now. I must try to get some sleep in order to deal with more little people shenanigans tomorrow. Oh, wait...it already is tomorrow.

Comments

Ann said…
Your job certainly doesn't sound like it's filled with the most pleasant things in a day. I can see how you would have a hard time unwinding at the end of the day. Hope it gets better as the year goes on
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Unknown said…
you ARE making a difference. you make th elives of those children better every.single.day.

dont forget that.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Wanda's Wings said…
As difficult as your job is you do make a difference in those children lives. Therapy brings out some of the strangest things sometimes.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Crystal Raen said…
You are definitely making a difference, and I vote for self-defense classes, they are great for building a little self-esteem (just my opinion tho).
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Nikki (Sarah) said…
I agree with the others..you are making a difference...reading this...I think you're amazing.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Certain

Image
Certain The moon follows you at night when you are a child Oh yes, it does of that I'm certain And the stuffed animals with their neon colored synthetic fur they talk to each other when you close the bedroom door Oh yes, they do of that I'm certain And you can hear the angels whisper and the jingle of sleigh bells on Christmas Eve And dandelion seeds are tiny ballet dancers twirling in the wind The fairies hide beneath the willows And if you lie in confession with your fingers crossed you won't go to hell And with the moon behind you are always safe when you are a child Oh yes, you are of that I'm certain Angela Minard2009©
Read more

Just Snap Out Of It

Image
The weather here is still dreary, drizzly, and cold. I sit here as I type, wishing for fingerless gloves. Yes, I would wear them:) I'm still struggling with the depression, but reaching out for help. My psychiatrist raised my medication dose, so hopefully that will help. Eating and more nutrition would also help my mood, and yesterday I did better than usual, but today it was back to restricting. The full feeling is hard for me to sit with, even though I know that it will pass if I give it time. I just didn't want to go through that today. My nutritionist weighed me on Wednesday, and I've lost weight, although she wouldn't tell me how much. That is fine. I already knew I had lost, and though the eating disorder is thrilled by this, there is another part of me that is afraid. I'm afraid that I won't find my way out of this, ever. I'm afraid that I will always be ruled by weights and numbers, food and calories, the mirror and my distorted mind. I'm really ...
Read more

Combat

Image
I’m sadly detached, as if I’m watching myself through a window. Everything is dreamlike and surreal, with the world spinning in slow motion, and yet I can’t seem to reach myself. I was hoping that some of the depression would lift. I don’t feel as hopeless, but I’m still feeling sad and despondent. I can’t pinpoint a reason as to why I’m feeling this way which is so frustrating, because I would fix it if I could. I’m glad to be at work, I’m slowly increasing my food intake, I’m going to all of my therapies, taking my medications, and going to the addiction recovery meetings. I’m doing what I can to take care of myself, but still this sadness hangs over me. I’m so tired of feeling this way. I’m hoping that the warmth and sunshine of spring will pull me out of this darkness. I always seem to lose hope in the midst of winter, so maybe the grey, dreary days wear me down, making me more susceptible to depression. I just don’t want to go through another winter like this. I need to find a way...
Read more