Sometimes I wonder...did it do any good to tell? All it did was bring everything to the surface, and it caused pain for other people besides me. It mostly hurt my mother, and brought her tremendous pain and guilt, none of which I would have wished on her. I stuffed everything for so long, and maybe it should have stayed buried. What have I done? I hate this. I wish that I could undo everything, but I can't. So here I am, at a loss as to how to fix everything.
I've come to realize that I think I know why I drink sometimes. It is because it makes me talk. I can let out my most agonizing feelings, and I do it without censoring myself. I can cry, and release emotions that otherwise I'm too self conscious to do. It's not the best way, but it is a way, none the less. I still need to find my true voice, without being destructive to do it. I did open up to my husband, and was able to tell him some of my feelings and fears. He is always here for me. I don't know why I hold back with him, when his love has always been unconditional. I'm afraid of disappointing him. I do feel like some of the wall has been broken down, and that is a relief. It is a start at least.
Comments
i usually drink to forget, but sometimes i drink to remember who i am inside -- the person i repress and subjugate.
it's right that you told. you can not live with dark secrets kept down inside. you don't have to protect your parents. you NEED to have told.
why, why do we punish ourselves for something that was not our fault?
please be kind to yourself.
I know how hard it is to find a voice, you can do it, and I'm the same with drink.
xxx
I dont drink, but I have EXACTLY the same thoughts on my ED. *hugs Angela*
We can't undo the past,but we can unleash some ghosts so that remembering won't be too painful.
We are but humans.Weak by nature.We all drew strengths from various sources.Drinking may not be always the right way but i'm glad that at least it helped you.Soon I know you will find the courage to speak in your own will.