Conclusions

BROKEN ANGEL Pictures, Images and Photos

"I've come to the conclusion that I would rather stop failing at recovery, and just be who I am. I'm tired of fighting the eating disorder."

I said these words to my nutritionist this week, and was surprised at how much I meant them. I want to apologize for the selfishness, and for giving up. I'm sorry. I know I let people down, and maybe I will change my mind. The constant resistance and pushing away the eating disorder is wearing me out. I'm angry at my therapist because I think the assessment forms that she had me fill out sent me over the edge. I know that she wanted to make me honestly look at myself, but all that it did was overwhelm me. If I can let go of the failure, maybe I can live a happy life the way I am, and maybe it won't be such an obsession anymore. When you try so hard to give something up, have you noticed that it is all you can think about? Anyway...that is all for now. It took me all day to figure out how to write this post because I never wanted to disappoint anyone.

Comments

Anonymous said…
I completely understand. Am in a similar position and want to give up seeing the dietician and therapist altogether. So I'm not really sure what to say.

:(
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Wanda's Wings said…
Angela I'm always in your corner. Wanda
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Flannery said…
I,too, am always in your corner. I hope you can find the strength to stand up to the demons, but if you can't, I hope you can find the strength to forgive yourself for it.
I hope you can find a way to be truly happy, whether that's through the path of recovery or not.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
I Hate to Weight said…
you're not disappointing anyone. this is the path of the disease. it's so awfully difficult, and i mean awfully. it's normal to want a break. it's exhausting -- the whole thing.

can you do some stuff that feels nice -- massage, naps... whatever you like that is 100% absolutely NOT work?

and then, perhaps, get back to the healing (not so much "battling") yourself and the eating disorder.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Cammy said…
I was musing on similar feelings just yesterday. There comes a point when you wonder if where you're at is so bad that it's really worth the turmoil of moving forward. It's a hard place to be...but don't write yourself off. You are an incredible person right now, but you don't deserve to have to compromise on life.

I understand the feeling, though, all too well. Hang in there. <3
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Anonymous said…
I hope you read these words and truly believe what I'm saying. You never dissapoint me! My dissapointment is only in the fact that I could not keep my children safe. I beleve in you more than myself. You have unbelievable strength and tenacity. You are a fighter and not only for yourself. I and everyone who loves you are just afraid,but not dissapointed, because we don't want to loose such a wonderful light in our lives. I understand, love mom
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Angela said…
Maybe this is just me needing a break. I thank you all for the words of encouragement. I love you too Mom, and thank you for understanding. I never want to let anyone down. I know how hard you have all worked to support me through this.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Ruth said…
(((((HUGS)))))
Monday, January 31, 2011
Sia Jane said…
You can come through this.
You can xxxx
Monday, January 31, 2011
Anonymous said…
You don't have to fight anymore. Instead, you have to surrender it to a higher power, which will sustain you and give you strength that you do not have alone. This is what is missing in your recovery.
Thursday, February 03, 2011
Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Certain

Image
Certain The moon follows you at night when you are a child Oh yes, it does of that I'm certain And the stuffed animals with their neon colored synthetic fur they talk to each other when you close the bedroom door Oh yes, they do of that I'm certain And you can hear the angels whisper and the jingle of sleigh bells on Christmas Eve And dandelion seeds are tiny ballet dancers twirling in the wind The fairies hide beneath the willows And if you lie in confession with your fingers crossed you won't go to hell And with the moon behind you are always safe when you are a child Oh yes, you are of that I'm certain Angela Minard2009©
Read more

Just Snap Out Of It

Image
The weather here is still dreary, drizzly, and cold. I sit here as I type, wishing for fingerless gloves. Yes, I would wear them:) I'm still struggling with the depression, but reaching out for help. My psychiatrist raised my medication dose, so hopefully that will help. Eating and more nutrition would also help my mood, and yesterday I did better than usual, but today it was back to restricting. The full feeling is hard for me to sit with, even though I know that it will pass if I give it time. I just didn't want to go through that today. My nutritionist weighed me on Wednesday, and I've lost weight, although she wouldn't tell me how much. That is fine. I already knew I had lost, and though the eating disorder is thrilled by this, there is another part of me that is afraid. I'm afraid that I won't find my way out of this, ever. I'm afraid that I will always be ruled by weights and numbers, food and calories, the mirror and my distorted mind. I'm really ...
Read more

Combat

Image
I’m sadly detached, as if I’m watching myself through a window. Everything is dreamlike and surreal, with the world spinning in slow motion, and yet I can’t seem to reach myself. I was hoping that some of the depression would lift. I don’t feel as hopeless, but I’m still feeling sad and despondent. I can’t pinpoint a reason as to why I’m feeling this way which is so frustrating, because I would fix it if I could. I’m glad to be at work, I’m slowly increasing my food intake, I’m going to all of my therapies, taking my medications, and going to the addiction recovery meetings. I’m doing what I can to take care of myself, but still this sadness hangs over me. I’m so tired of feeling this way. I’m hoping that the warmth and sunshine of spring will pull me out of this darkness. I always seem to lose hope in the midst of winter, so maybe the grey, dreary days wear me down, making me more susceptible to depression. I just don’t want to go through another winter like this. I need to find a way...
Read more