Barriers

"Recovery involves being visible. Ending isolation and coming out from behind a barrier that blocks you from life itself."~Joanne Poppink

This quote really resonates with me because I've always thought of my eating disorder as a way to hide, disappearing from the world, and not only from the world, but from myself. The emergence has been slow, but here I am, in a place I've never really been before. I've always lived inside of my head. I was a quiet, anxious child, even before being raped, and although as I grew older the shyness improved, I was still wary of life and easily overwhelmed. This week I'm hurting, and when I hurt, I want to run far away, withdrawing from everyone. Teenagers are difficult to raise, and both my husband and I are stressed and worried. His reaction is anger, and mine is to close myself off. This does not make for good team work. Sunday night, instead of exploding, he decided to get away to cool off, but he did not tell me that he was leaving the house, and was gone for hours without contacting me. I was hurt, and felt abandoned. My mind goes off in many direction and I become irrational in my thinking. My feeling were disregarded, and left me feeling unimportant. We talked about it last night, but right now I feel unable to let it go. My fear of being left has my stomach tied in knots. Dave wants a couples session, and at least he cares enough to ask for one, although I feel as if I'm failing at everything right now. Parenting...my marriage, and even therapy. My main therapist, whom I feel a strong connection with, wants me to see my trauma therapist more often and that makes me also feel abandoned by her. I know that she only wants me to get the best care, and I also know that it is my way of avoiding talking about it. I'm not feeling very trusting of people in general right now. I think in my mind that when people love you, they don't hurt you, and I know that is unrealistic. I hurt people..

I have some issues to work on. I'm famous for distraction techniques, and I've been falling into those. I do know my weaknesses, so that is a positive. If only I can let go of the hurt.